Chemoprevention

So chemoprevention. Second least favorite word at the moment (cancer is #1). I don’t have cancer (yet) so I don’t need Chemotherapy, which is worse. Chemo comes from the word “chemical” supposedly, but the connotation I’ve always had is that it’s basically poison. That’s why it’s so miserable for people who have to go through it. Chemoprevention is using chemicals to prevent cancer, and likely less much less miserable, but it still has this nasty connotation, like I’m being forced to ingest poison for the idea I’m avoiding something much worse. Keep in mind there’s nothing technically wrong with me now. It’s all in the name of prevention. Maybe all prescriptions are some sort of poison, as they’re usually man-made concoctions, but I’ve never thought of them so negatively. Whereas most prescriptions advise of possible side effects, my brain is convinced that I’m guaranteed to have the negative effects of chemoprevention, because chemo is such a nasty connoted word. The chemoprevention I’m starting next month has 400+ drug interactions, 1 of which I am taking and they are choosing to ignore. Also has interaction with a couple dozen vitamins and supplements I would normally take (at least occasionally). At least 50 very common side effects and serious side effects include stroke and vision loss. Some side effects make my existing conditions worse (arthritis) and also take away supplements I’d been taking to help (ginger, vitamin c). Sounds like fun, right? Get to take this toxin a minimum of 5 years. 10 years may also be beneficial. I guess we’ll do 5 and re-evaluate then.

Leg & Foot Pain Everywhere

No, not really in that much pain. This is my progress update. Right foot is hurting pretty good again, but not quite as bad as it was initially. Left leg can straighten out better now, but burns if I stretch it. Not that nice comfortable feel, but not quite the burning sensation I had when they worked me too hard in the first place. Sort of in-between. Wondering if I would be better off getting a different PT referral. Just don’t have a great feeling about this place.

Physical Therapy Idiots

I know getting into shape isn’t always easy and can sometimes be quite painful. Usually physical therapy is a bit more gradual and less painful. That is, I normally don’t go in and have searing pain during the exercises they demand I keep doing, and wind up being sore for close to a week.

The problem is we’ve only been working on one foot/ankle/leg, and then they decided to throw in an exercise using both, and my other leg was not up to the challenge. Is this another ploy to get more visits out of a person? Let’s put you in extra pain, even if we don’t outright injure you, and then make you think we’re the only people who can get you back to square one, even though we’ve already used (and thus wasted) several of your visits. The owners/management of this business keep sending out stupid e-mails about how much they care and if there’s any little thing that you’re concerned about to please contact them. I don’t want to ruin a person’s employment, but the one guy ignore me so much while he socializes with the others, he doesn’t seem to want to be there. I have been patient, but he doesn’t seem to know what he’s doing in the first place. Maybe he needs more training or supervision. I don’t want to be the guinea pig where he ignores me half the time, can’t figure out what his directions are, and then tells me to do things that I can’t because he doesn’t have the equipment set up correctly, or he’s holding a resistance band, but with no resistance, because he’s too busy trying to talk to the more seasoned and muscular guys there. Maybe if this wasn’t going to cost me a couple thousand dollars I’d be more patient. But when I can give you a laundry list of what he did wrong after every visit, and on top of that, puts me in so much pain because he thinks it’s good . . . I’m not a body builder. And I’m pretty sure body builders don’t progress well if they’re in so much pain they can’t move either. Duh. So that’s how physical therapy is going. Aren’t you glad you asked.

Physical Therapy Gold-diggers

I like the idea of physical therapy in general. Slow careful recovery versus trying to do too much too fast. Exercises that build up slowly, vs. say, the ones I did this summer that surprisingly put me in ridiculous pain.

Here’s my beef with some physical therapist situations. I’ve heard on more than one occasion that they really milk the process to get more money. Require visits more frequently than necessary, or drag the process out longer than the person’s situation needs. Let’s face it; they’ve got a lot of control how fast you can recover if they won’t help you and you legitimately need their help, like for the physical manipulation and massage (that you can’t figure out how to do yourself). I used to show up for an initial visit, and yes, they do assess and take measurements, but then they get down to business. The one I went to this time did measurements and spent the rest of the time explaining the process and basically their business model, and how everyone, no matter what is wrong with them, will require at least 20 visits to get better with lasting results. I can see not rushing the process or getting overly optimistic that once things feel better you’re done and don’t need any followup. But at some point it feels like they’re over-doing it, and the point is they want financial security.

I went to one guy who was nice enough, and maye not over-doing it, but basically talked to me as if I was his therapist, whining a lot about money. He didn’t make enough working under someone else, so he started his own business. Fair enough. But he made comments like the only good patients people want are the ones who’ve had surgery because they need more visits, and people with lesser issues can drop earlier and then he’s scrambling fore more business. He complained about the cost of laundry (towels used for heat/ice packs) and his minimum water bill being too high even if he hardly used any water. So you hear things in general, and stuff like this, and when they seem too clingly that you absolutely HAVE to show up 3x a week even though all you’re doing is exercises that you could do at home and they ignore you the rest of the time because you do know what you’re doing . . . you start to wonder.

So the first vist was not actual physical therapy, even though they charge it as such. The issue is a lot of people only have x many visits their insurance covers, so it does seem wasteful to spend one on them showing up just to measure and leave. I’ve heard lots of complaints like this, so I know it’s not an isolated practice. Someone’s in the hospital, the PT shows up to introduce themselves, asks if they have any questions, and says they’ll come up with a plan/strategy for next time. But they waste a whole PT session. It’s annoying. The the patient’s side of the financial thing. Even if we’re not penny-pinchers, we’re paying x amount per visit, and to be required to have 20 vists, say, times $30-40 a visit , that’s a sizeable investment of $600-800. Again, if you’ve had a serious injury or surgery, you may well need this. But if you’ve got a smaller tweak or sprain and you bounce back well, some honest therapists would agree you don’t absolutely need that many visits, especially if you’ve got a solid exercise plan in place and are diligent in completing, to continue strength and stability. You don’t need someone to babysit you doing exercises in a corner that don’t require specialized equipment. My PT referral suggested 2 vists a week for 2-4 weeks. While that might have been on the low side, 8 weeks of 2-3x a week is twice as much, and they state this is the set amount for everyone, without even knowing what’s wrong with them. So you can see why I am given to wonder.

Waiting for Physical Therapy (Foot Pain Continued)

Foot pain got bad enough that I stopped doing the exercises until I get physical therapy. Maybe I’m not doing them precisely right. I got a referral; now waiting for the appointment. It got bad enough that I wans’t sleeping well and it didn’t make sense anymore since it was making it so much worse. In the meantime I got a couple different compression sleeves, gel heel cushions, gernic diclofenac gel, and re-useable elastic bandage wraps. I’m not doing any walking, which sucks. I will be so out of shape when I finally get back to walking. The other day I running errands was painful enough and limping/overcompensating probably isn’t a good idea either. Who knows how painful PT will be. They usually know what they’re doing and massage, ice or give instructions how to keep discomfort reasonable. But who knows.

Mattresses

You know the story of the Princess and the Pea? I’m starting to wonder if the pea was kind of besides the point. That the other point of the story is that some princesses want that much cushy bedding in the first place. We bought a crappy yet expensive mattress a couple of years ago and my spouse has pointed out that our health may be more important than toughing it out even though this mattress seems almost indestructible and may last quite a while.

Been looking online at several options, mainly trying to avoid pushy sales people. Against all reasoning, we stopped by a store Thanksgiving Weekend to see what was available in real life (we were in the area doing something else). Some of the online places have trial periods, but we don’t have a lot of room to keep the mattress from hell as a spare in case we nee to return an online purchase and don’t want to sleep on the floor. Unfortunately one of the main reasons we stuck with the mattress from hell was because we got rid of the horribly worn out predecessor and couldn’t logistically return it fast enough. That, and we foolishly thought maybe it would somehow break in after more time (trial periods were shorter then). It’s been years, and that thing is not breaking in.

Back to the in-store adventure. The sales guy was nicer than I ever could have expected. Previous experiences involved people telling me what I needed despite my telling them that’s not what I wanted. Or the vultures, such as in car dealerships. This time, no one pounced; we eventually asked if someone was available, and he simply pointed us towards options based on our questions and reactions. What a concept. Since we weren’t seriously considering buything anything, tried to ask vague questions about materials and layers in case such properties might be compared to other mattresses. And since we weren’t really considering, also pretended we didn’t have a price-range in mind. Maybe it was good practice for a poker face when we found my ideal mattress included a poofy mattress topper sold separately that cost twice as much as our previous expensive mattress. Even if we only got a half size topper for my side of the bed. Only princesses can afford that price of sleeping luxery. See, at least some of the online mattresses have warranties for 15, 20 years, or even “lifetime.” This one somehow charged an extra $100+ just for the 10 year and had a shorter trial period. Again, learning from our previous experience, the showroom model was great. Exactly what we wanted. But the one that arrived was not. Even though the showroom model was only 2 months old, they assured us it only needed a little longer to break in (and that’s what we were hoping anyway, since we would othertise be stuck without anything to sleep on but the floor). So all I’m saying is you’ve got to jump up and down on the mattress hoping to break it in sooner than later so you know if you really want it since half the time you have it is breaking it in, and this store’s trial wasn’t especially long (3 months). Then the cost per year, assuming it only lasts 10 years . . . I guess it was nice to dream.

Unwanted Mail

I am really getting tired of mail from the hospital. It’s not bills, so you’d think hey, it’s not that bad. It’s merely summaries of visits, notices of upcoming visits . . . It’s the fact that it keeps reminding me of the whole mini-drama. Painful biopsy and waiting to see if I had cancer. Being told no, then, wait, uhm, well, it’s not exactly malignant, but it’s abnormal and kind of worrisome . . . saying I need surgery, no wait, insurance won’t pay for surgery whether I wanted it or not . . . Just the whole ordeal. We need imaging, we need more imaging, no, imaging was a waste, lets do this instead . . .

I have to remind myself how lucky I am. I don’t have cancer; I don’t need chemotherapy or radiation; nor do I have thousands of dollars to pay the hospital. I just don’t like the recurrant reminders of the situation. Here’s a notice that you need to schedule this. Here’s a confirmation that you have scheduled this. Here’s a summary of the services you received. Here’s yet another letter recommending something else. I have an appointment at the high risk cancer center next month. Yes, I know I do, thank you for another reminder. Thank you for telling me you did not receive medical records from the surigical consult and then saying never mind, you don’t need them.

It’s all completely inoccuous, but at the time time generally unhappy reminders. It's fine. I just wanted to express this somewhere.

Flipping Fasciitis Foot Pain

My foot pain started probably late August, where I thought maybe the cushioning in my shoes had finally worn out and I needed a new pair. This did not help. Both my feet hurt the entire length whenever I walked. They felt as if they were tired and sore, as if I’d already walked way too much and they were sore and tired. On a bad day, they would still hurt at night and I couldn’t even let them brush against each other because the sides of my feet hurt.

Doc says sounds like plantar faciitis, and gave some stretches. Interesting, the back of my left knee hurts now, but foot feels better. Right foot is tons worse and my arch is noticeably flat on this foot. What the? So I’m looking up more exercises, stretches, videos, etc while I’m in so much pain I can’t sleep, and it’s not as if I’m walking more than I absolutely must, because it hurts so much. The classic PF is supposed to be super bad in the morning and slowly stretch out as you use it. Or it gets worse the longer you sit, so sometimes during the day it’ll hurt on the first couple of steps. Nope, not me. I am limping, hobbling , and wincing in pain every single step. After a few steps I can stop the hobble, but the pain doesn’t subside.

No idea what podiatrist to go to or look for. In theory they usually prescribe physical therapy anyway, and that’s why I’m looking for those exercises online while I try to figure out what to do. Besides, even if I find a foot doc, work requires 2 weeks notice to take any time off, including for appointments like this.

In desperation I ordered some compression socks online that should be here late Friday or Saturday. No idea if that will work, but I’m starting to go out of my mind. Tons of braces, compression sleeves, socks, etc, so I finally stabbed at one that wasn’t too expensive and looked good. In the meantime I wrapped it with self-adhesive which helps a little, but also adheres to everything else, so who knows how much sock lint it will have on it at the end of the day.

I know; I’m whining. Sorry, that’s what one sometimes uses a blog for. Frustrated and in pain and no idea what doc to get or product to buy that will work. Already sick of seeing videos that warn you against what you saw in the other video, etc, etc. My doc recommended at least 4 stretches, so it encompasses both sides. Only thing I can’t do well is the one on stairs. I live on the second floor. I don’t really want to stand backwards at the top of the stairs, or get dressed and shoes on to walk down to the bottom of the stairs several times a day while the neighbors watch and wonder what the heck is wrong with me. Darn it all, why did I get ride of those exercise steps, just because I didn’t use them for over 15 years? Could use them right now.

Shopping Trip

I’ve been looking for those semi-wimpy weights a while now, and somehow stumbled upon a coupon for Dick’s Sporting Goods. I felt like an intruder both entering and exiting the store, half expecting someone to ask if I was lost. Though not my ideal adjustable solution, I did manage to get 2 four-pound dumells to fill in that gap I needed. I have 5 pounders, but I’m not yet ready to do a full minute flapping my arms in little cirles holding my 5 pound weights. Still working with the unknown and probably “vintage” variety I stumbled upon a few weeks ago. Guessing those are somehwere around 1.5-2 pounds. 3 pounds would have been silly to invest in. I could’ve passed these up as well, but 2 little dumbells with the textured coating for for 10 bucks wasn’t too bad. Probably still need the adjustable ones for ankle weights at some point, but those were considerably more at Dick’s than online.

Still, I felt like I should be ashamed, checking out, as if I needed to give the cashier an explanation of my wimply purchase. Like I needed to explain the above situation to them, why I was purchasing such a tiny weight. They were nice of course, and probably didn’t think anything of it. After all, my size probably suggests they might have been surprised that I could hold both in one hand.

The good news is I already have 5, 8, 10, 12, and 15 pound weights at home from my younger years. They’ve been put to odd strategic uses, like anchoring a scratching post from moving around. Maybe when I advance up that far, I can use a pile of the tinier weights to take that place. I realize a bunch of varied weights isn’t as svelte as the adjustable ones, but I also don’t have the cash to drop on say, an adjustable kettlebell that goes from 8-140 pounds. And then all you have is a kettlebell, and not all those other types of weights. These will do me just fine for a while, I think.

I also need to figure out the whole exercise band thing. There are sets with multiple bands for 20-35-ish online, but I’m not sure what exercises to do with them. The nice thing is that you can use multiple bands at a time, so (assuming they don’t break right away, as some reviews suggest) you can have a pretty good weight spread as you get more in shape. I also love the idea that they’re not super heavy so one could use those while traveling and they’d be small and light enough to not be a huge extra. Oh well. One thing at a time.

How often should one be hungry?

Last week I continued to increase my fruits and vegetables. Of note were bananas, blueberries, broccoli, and pumpkin soup. I couldn’t decide on any one soup recipe so after googling common ingredients, I ad-libbed my own. I used a relatively low amount of coconut milk and no other dairy or fatty ingredients to make it creamy and thick. It was delicious and I had a ton of it for and with meals. Despite this, my weight loss was pretty minimal. I cut out all desserts (except occasional low-fat popcorn) and we didn’t eat out at all. Kept up my exercising, though admittedly I “should” do more.

They say if you’re on track, losing 1-2% of your total body weight a week is a good goal. When most people start out, they generally lose a little more the first couple weeks, which can kick-start motivation. I'm jealous. Like yeah, I’m on the right track. Even though I can’t expect a huge loss every week, this is a nice boost to keep going. 1 percent is .01. I lost .001 or a tenth of 1%. Yay. I’m sitting here half hungry most of the time while my spouse scarfs down aromatic junk food and multiple desserts, wondering when this is going to kick in.

That’s the other eye-rolling item. Years ago on one of the several WW programs I participated in, they had their hunger levels and dicated that one should be “a bit hungry” most of the time. Seriously? Most of the time you’re walking around hungry and not allowed to do anything but think about food? Yeah, that’s gonna end well. I’m currently on this idea of eating lunch & dinner since I’m not starving when I wake up. The idea is you shouldn’t eat unless you’re actually hungry. So today for lunch I ate celery, blueberries, and a cup of low-ish calorie popcorn. The rest of the afternoon I drink as much water as possible bemoaning that it’s normal to be “a bit hungry” most of the time, especially since I’m not hungry enough for a big meal (again, from the people who brough us don’t eat breakfast unless you’re hungry for a big meal). Yeah, I feel “a bit” deprived and irritated because I’m not losing much. Oh well. Just had to whine a little.

CIS

The following is my satire on trying to understand medical terminology. It is in no way intended to make light of, or offend those with serious medical conditions, especially cancer.


You have the opportunity to learn new things every day. Here is my expression of my experience attempting to understand CIS, or Carcinoma in Situ.

I will lump myself along with most people’s basic understanding of the term carcinoma – bad. Carcinoma generally means cancer. While not all cancer is terminal, there is a pretty scary overall connotation of the word. I mean, nothing good generally comes from it, right?

I listen to Kids Place Live, a children’s radio station. Recently one of their hosts, Absolutely Mindy, expressed that she had finished up a round of chemo, and as always, tried to explain the idea of cancer in a friendly accessible and not-so-scary way to her listeners. She said cancer is when the cells in your body go all bonker-balls and form gangs and attack the other cells in your body. Sounds like a good basic description. Let’s build off that.

The first thing they try to tell you when you get test results is that CIS is not really cancer; it is benign. Ok, that sounds better, but how exactly does this work?

I conducted several web searches for the meaning of “in situ.” The jist I got was that it’s something that has remained in its place of origin. That does contradict Cancer.org’s definition that “Cancer is a disease in which some of the body’s cells grow uncontrollably and spread to other parts of the body.“ Ok, good, it’s something odd, but it’s not out of control. That should help us feel a bit better. Maybe? From numerous other searches, what I gleaned is it’s cells that look like cancer, but don’t act like cancer. Still sounds a bit apprehensive, but ok. Something looks a bit wonky, but it’s not bonker-balls out of control yet.

With my various trepidtations and ups and downs with this news, along with my twisted sense of humor, I cam up with this anaology. Carcinoma in situ: cancer at home.

Instead of forming gangs and attackinig the neighborhood, it’s just haning out at home, maybe reading a good book by the fireplace and taking it easy. It looks like cancer, but so far it’s keeping the peace, staying put, and not causing problems. Something to keep an eye on, for sure, but that’s probably where the analogy should end. Otherwise we start talking about privacy invation and stereotypes just because someone looks like they shouldn’t be in the neighborhood and I’m pretty sure we should go there.

The sucky thing is that in the meantime, searching carcinoma in situ (as recommended by the health provider) you get results anywhere from saying it's stage 0 cancer and should be treated immediately while it is still curable, to eh, don't do anything but wait and watch. These are only websites that are supposed to be fairly reputable. WebMD, Mayo Clinic, various hospitals and cancer intitute. Whatever. Wait. Check back in a few months. Try not to worry (yeah right).

Eating More Plants - Hoorah!

Last week I succeeded eating more “plants” than usual. Granted, my main staples were bananas, potatoes, and broccoli. This is where anyone reading slaps their forehead that I made such poor choices. Bananas have so much sugar, and potatoes are startchy.. Well, sure, but that’s still better than I have been eating overall. An entire banana is two servings, so one could argue that one can easily “overeat.” Whatever. That just means I got more servings in. I think the real culprit for potatoes is the stuff people put ON them. I had boiled potatoes with spices and minimal toppings to keep them moist or a little more flavor. Potatoes are still better than white rice or pasta, so there. I am down a few pounds since the beginningof the month. I’m still paranoid every day I step on the scale it might go back up, so that helps keep me a bit motivated.

Taking a small step is better than attempting all-or-nothing and then giving up as soon as one makes a tiny less than perfect choice. It feels more sustainable than being motivated by fear. I didn’t write about the fear motivation idea. Rently had some iffy test results and healthcare providers reminded me that at least 40% of all cancers are preventable by diet and a reasonable weight. Fine, so if I succumb later it’s all my fault. Great feeling. Eat better or get cancer. Not that anyone makes it out of this life alive. Being told one has a 200+% chance of getting cancer can be quite the attention-getter. Feels like even if I don’t have it now, it’s only a matter of time wating for it to drop. What can I do in the meantime besides fret? Lose weight, eat more plants, all that good stuff. Chemoprevention too, but we’ll get to that later.

Various Weight Loss Ideas

The dude that mentioned 600 calories of pureed chicken & coffee said a couple other interesting things, like how broccoli is super filling, so I ventured to ask him a tiny bit more, only on the off chance of something that sounded more paletable to me. He did not. Among other things, one should never exercise more than 40 minutes at one time, and multiple exercise sessions must be no less than 6 hours apart. This was in response to the question is it ok to have a 15 min walk here and there, like on breaks. I’m happy this system works for him, but hard pass from me. I have enough healthcare professionals saying walk, no don’t walk, do strength-training, no, avoid it at all costs and only do walking. Eat yogurt – no, dairy is not needed. Eat ¾ of your food as fruits and vegetables. No, eat at least half calories from lean meat. My point here is only to say that I give up. I try to have a semi-open mind to some of these thigns, like I said, in case there are hidden gems. Like broccoli is very filling. That’s good to know. I like cucumbers, but I swear, every time I have one, I’m hungrier than I was beforehand. So hey, broccoli probably is pretty filling. But all these extreme this and that and nothing you do is right . . . I give up. Get the weight off as quickly as possible – diet now, eat normal the rest of your life; it’ll somehow work out. Gastric surgery is the only way to go. Slow steady lifestyle changes are the way to go. Anythng else is dangerous. I agree with some things, and I don’t on others, and I shouldn’t get on a soapbox of which things strike a chord to me. I just think it’s sad there are so many vastly different “healthy” ideas by professionals, as to destroy all trust in anything and make one feel like they have to test it out and figure it out for themselves. One plan probably does not fit all; even flexible ones. I’m the only one who’s got to live with me and my quality of life due to my weight. I know what foods I can tolerate and which I’d seriously rather avoid and substitute. I cannot let these guest lecturers live inside my head making me feel guilty and awful about myself no matter what choice I make. My surgeon has a website with several life-style changes they advocate, and I’ve read and will seriously consider all that I am able to. To a point. Let’s just say their ideas were a little less extreme and probably in the right direction. And attempting a direction still counts; even if I am not 100% successful following every single item every day. I tend to gravitate in all-or-nothing perfectionism and it gets discouraging. 80% on track, or even starting out 50% in a new direction, can still be positive change. I don’t have to do this overnight. That’s just me.

All Ailments Caused by Being Overweight

Anyone else had these lectures? If you just lose weight, it will all go away. Uh huh. I had no idea they’d even blame poor vision on weight. By now it’s too late for me on that one. I know weight doen’t help, and probably does exacerbate things, but . . . then there’s the issue with how quickly one should lose weight and what one should do in the meantime if one has a lot of weight to lose.

Talked to a gentleman at work today who is becoming a certified nutritionist and advocates eating 600 calories a day living off coffee, protein powder, and pureed chicken. Said load up on celery and you’ll never have to exercise. Not that he indulges in celery, personally. He said a lot of interesting things that I’m not sure I’m ready to buy into. I do resist celery because it seems bitter to me. But his take was that you only have to suffer for a shorter amount of time and then go back to eating whatever. Not sure I buy into that either, as I’ve always been taught the slow and steady lifestyle changes, but whatever.

I know I need to get healthier, but I really wish there was a better way of motivating myself instead of fear. Fear of this, that . . . the newest one is cancer. You're going to get cancer because 40% of cancer incidences are caused by being overweight and no doctors want to treat you when you brought it on yourself and it’s all your fault. Yeah, that’s a fun thought to carry around all day. Even if it’s true or partially so, is that the ideal way to make yourself afraid to eat anything questionable?

I’m not a coffee person, but I suppose I could do shakes for a while. I was always under the impression quick fixes like that weren’t good for you and wasn’t the point because you’re not going to stay on them forever. As soon as you stop, the weight comes back anyway. But if it’s “lose weight or die” and if you’re at fault, I guess you can say a certain amount of suffering is earned or somehow necessary for penance.

I know, eat to live, not live to eat. Maybe the idea is if you deprive yourself of desirable food for long enough you will forget you miss it and never want it again. I’m sure one’s tastebuds adapt to a certain point but . . . coffee and pureed chicken, huh? Eeek.

Surgeon eenie, meenie minie . . .

Finally, my activity and weight-lifting restrictions are lifted from a procedure last week. The good news is my sedentary week didn’t lead to any weight gain, so I’ll take that win. I know I'm a wimp, but everything hurt. It hurt to fold laundry. So I just got the ice packs back out and gave up.

Now I get to worry and fret that at the surgical consult coming up, they don’t roll their eyes at me like everything is my fault for being overweight. Even if I start severe caloric restriction right now, there’s only so much progress I could make in a few weeks. I researched surgeons all weekend and even though I could read their qualifications and years experience, the one I worry I could not assuage is if they’ll treat me seriously as a patient when I’m overweight. I don’t know if some providers think overweight people are non-compliant or otherwise don’t take care of ANY of their health since it would seem obvious they don’t care about their weight enough to be in better shape in that regard. I’ve had a few snarly providers, and while they didn’t say that directly, I start to wonder what else it would be. Doubtful they don’t like people wearing blue shirts, or athletic shoes, or who have certain color hair or height . . . if they know so much, they might occasionally get tired of patients being ignorant. Being overweight may scream to some of them that I don’t care about any of my health. But I guess it’s up to me to get rid of the weight so no one has the opportunity to think that, huh?

Sick

Sick off and on for a while. The first week sick to my stomach was definitely job stress. It let up for a little while, then I got a head/chest cold immediately after, so that’s a bit suspect if the stress didn’t contribute to that as well. Going on week 2 of the cold, 3 weeks total unpleasantness.

Exercise Most UN-Wanted List

I’ve about had it. The doc gave me a sheet of exercises for upper back pain. Nice gradual plan: do two the first week, then add two more, and what order to best progress. Of the first two exercises, I can only do one. The other is physically not possible. Undaunted, I did that a few days, and optimistically decided to add one of the next two. Rediculous upper back and neck pain, even with only one tiny attempt. Enough pain I couldn’t sleep well until 2 am after taking over the counter drugs and biofreeze. Thinking I need to make a chart of all the activities I should avoid, like a top criminals list, and simply avoide them at all costs. Only thing I can think of is perhaps self massage could help loosen some things up, since stretching is out of the question. Ironically the more one hurts, the more one happens to tense up inadvertently, only making things worse. So I can either do one back exercise and be in pain for two days, or I can do my regular wimpy exercises. Gee, what a decision.

Doctor Appointment about Back Pain

Finally got a doctor's appointment to discuss my back pain, or any good recommendations how to proceed with exercise. See, the last doc I saw (for a different condition) said forget about walking and cardio; do strength training. So I've been attempting to use my wimpy weights and do these other little supposed activities with words like "sculpting" in the description. While anything over 5 pounds does cause tension, it was the stretches that really knocked me out. So first off, doc said don't do any weights; just walk. Sure, whatever. Cant make all the docs happy all the time. We discussed physical therapy, and decided on trying a sheet of recommended exercises first. Starting very small: 2 exercises the first week, only 1 rep per day, gradually building up. Then add two more exercises, and so on. Only odd thing was the idea of 20 minutes of exercise 3x a week being sufficient. Uhm, if we count strengthening, I'm doing the total amount for the week or more. So what's up with such a tiny goal? Is that only for beginners? Worth a try, I guess. He also gave me a prescription for pain if/when it gets super bad (non-addictive). That's at least a resource so I can sleep or concentrate or get throught when I accidentally trigger something.

Neck Strain and Still pretty Sore

Neck strain is another painful result of using too much weight. Too much for the neck, at least. I did a few sets of 12 with my good arm, and it was tired, but not close to collapsing. At least it was only one side of my neck since my other arm is plagued by tennis elbow.

I still dislike being “this” sore every single day. I mean, really? This is what normal life is supposed to be like – semi-constant daily pain? Seems like there’s got to be a better way. I get up from my desk at work and I don’t walk anymore – I semi hobble, semi-limp down the hall. Maybe it’s because I’m sitting too much, but we’re not supposed to stand and stretch or get up and walk around because that’s clearly not working. There are standing work-stations available, but my knees aren’t up for that. Oh yes, did we mention the physical therapist who saw me for knee pain and said I was deformed? Knee-extensions are my least favorite, as they always crunch. If I keep my knee in the same position (either straight or bent) there are still exercises I can do. But at my current weight and fitness level, standing in one place is not a good idea.

I am getting a little tired of things seeming to be in my way, but I realize that’s my fault if I let them be in my way. I’m just really not a fan of being sore all the time. In my youth, I was incredibly careful to avoid soreness if I could help it. I’ve always had weight issues. When I decided to walk extensively for weight loss, I made a commitment to do everything I could to not let soreness get in the way of my progress. I would not allow it to be a negative experience and excuse to stop or slack off. Sure, there were occasional hikes where I was a bit sore and tired afterwards, but those were days of 8-12+ miles and steep terrain. Those were on trips and special occasions. Even then, I was younger and in better shape and recovered pretty quickly. But this constant low-grade pain every day is getting annoying. Because yes, it does discourage me to keep at it every day. If it was only on new exercises, that would be ok. If it got better with more experience and practice, that would be fine. But it doesn't. Ever.

Bored

Oh yeah, the reason I didn’t go too high on the weights off the bat was the tennis elbow. Oh well. Back to wimpy or whatever.

Back to feeling tired and semi-sore all the time, and bored out of my mind. They are good exercises, so I shouldn’t complain. I can tell they are working since I’m still sore. I tend to like safety of routines, but I’m also old, and there’s a point where I feel like “didn’t I just do this?” Isn’t exercise supposed to help you sleep better and have more energy? When does that start kicking in? Maybe I’d be more motivated if I noticed some improvement there.

Weight vs. Repetitions?

Intersting articles that browsers recommend for you once you search for something, like exercise bands. Of course, who knows if anything is accurate unless it comes from a Scientific Journal. Hint: If you don’t have to pay to access it, it’s probably not from a Scientific Journal.

One article attempted to asnwer the question which is better: heavier weights, lower reps, or lower weights, higher reps? It said it depends on your goal. If you want to bulk up, do more reps. If you want to get strong, do more weight.

So what am I doing spending all this time doing 20-40 repetitions of the arm exercises? I don’t need to bulk up. My main goal is to get stronger, get more muscle and burn calories. Not look buff.

The exercise videous seemed more for speed and endurance, maybe if using for cardio/aerobic. That could have a purpose. But at the same time, I’m not going to use any significant amount of weight as fast as they do – 20+ repetitions in 30 seconds. I thought the point of doing weights was to engage more mucle by doing slower controlled movements.

On the other hand, I have never followed the recommendation to do weights that are so heavy you’re exhausted and about ready to drop it and collapse after 12-18 reps. Tired, and possibly have the term “exhausted” come to mind, sure. But to the point you can no longer hold and and are in danger of dropping it and injuring yourself? No thank you. Previous to this article, I would have always thought of myself preferring more reps at a less extreme weight, if that’s what I had to do.

How many repetitions are enough, then? In any case, maybe I don’t need several wimpy weights after all. The small glycerin bottles are fun and I could still use those, but I don’t know that I need to invest in a lot more at this point. I tend to spend far too much time deliberating over reviews and trying to decide which type/model would be best and I will not regret buying.

1 Pound Weights

Only mild arm soreness since I started doing things only at my own pace. I've been aiming for 30-40 repetitions, based on counting how many the videos average. Enough soreness to feel like yay, it did something, but not the overwhelming or unrelenting pain.

I happened to buy two 1 pound bottles of glycerin the other day, so I treid them as tiny weights to see how long I could do the same exercises. I made it to 20 on most before I wondered if more would be regrettable. Since I don’t want to get overly sore, and I’m doing several different exercises, I’m calling that good for now. I think even mild weights might engage a few core muscles, for some of them, so this should be interesting to see how I feel tomorrow.

I also heard about the goblet march today. (My mind still thinks it should be goblin instead of goblet). I'm not going to to run into that full-swing, but I'm intrigued my non-situps or things that may not strain my back or neck. I'm thinking maybe I should try the march by itself first, then add itty bitty weights and see what happens. Reminds me of the Leslie Sansone knee-lifts. Hey, even that, without added weights, moving more than one previously did, isn't a bad idea.

Old, so Old

I’ve recovered enough to think of a new tactic while I wait for a doctor visit to ask what the heck I need to do in order to not keep hurting myself attempting basic exercises.
Watch, then do
I thought there’s a chance I’m not paying enough attention to my body because I’m concentrating keeping up with the video. So let’s either watch the video, then pause it while attempting, or memorize it and do it afterwards at whatever pace my body seems to think is acceptable.

You know how some people claim it’s possible to have an “old soul.” Perhaps my body has decided it’s real age is much older (there used to be a “real age” website that claims to give you a realistic estimate based on your lifestyle. Let’s not go there right now). Seems like my body significantly more delicate than I thought it was.

How’s this? I can meditate and attempt to ask the universe to channel all the wisdom of an expert physical therapist who works with severely geriatric people. One of my meditations said to have the mentality of an observer. Be almost detached. Ok, let’s pretend I’m helping some older relative who needs said advice getting more active. Apparently they’re 90, and having difficulty coming to grips that they’re not as fit and spry as they were at say, 50. They refuse to accept help from the people at their assisted living facility (sure, my husband does a lot of the housework, so let’s go with that). The only person they’ll listen to is me, so that’s why I need to help them figure this out. Uhm, yeah, not sure I believe that backstory either, but perhaps the details aren’t important.

Arggh, more pain

I was going to write how wonderful it was to get encouragement from a fairly fit friend the other day. They did an amazing job cheerleading me on. I felt so-so, and might have otherwise sluffed off my whole 10 minutes of strength training, but they inspired me to keep at it.

Now the only problem is my back hurting so much again. I know exactly what it was from, so I could avoid in the future, but I am still getting so sick of it. Hurting myself so frequenly when I’m trying to be healther. Looked up the youtube videos again, dug out more otc pain relievers and half a muslcle relaxant that didn’t fell like it helped at all. Called my doctor and realized this was the second message I left for them. I called three weeks ago about the initial back pain and never heard back.

It’s been worse than it is today, but I am increasingly frustrated. I don’t feel like I deserve to see a doctor if the primary cause is that I’m overweight. But it’s difficult to exercise and be active if so many things cause an unreasonable amount of pain. I’m supposed to eat better so I don’t feel like crap. Except that I’m low on motivation because I feel like crap. If you lose weight, eat right, and become more active, you feel better.

Except that I feel awful and the pain on top lends to feeling more discouraged. So it must be my fault for being in pain, since I’m overweight, and I don’t really deserve medical attention until I lose a drastic amount. Which makes me feel tense, which makes the pain worse They have medications for that too. Though I wouldn’t need any of them if I was more active and weighed less, so there, it’s still my fault. Arghh. If this doesn't make sense it's because my brain doesn't work as well when I'm in pain (and feeling sorry for myself).

Chairs are our Friends!

Yes, I’m a dork. For all these seated exercises, all I had was a computer chair (doesn’t work) and a couch (sometimes moderately works). So two points of note today. #1, it’s not my arms that are really sore from the supposed arm work-outs, but my shoulders and chest. Still good areas to work, but my point is, I’m working a lot more than arms (which one should). The other point is how helpful it is to actually have the recommended straight-backed chair without arms. I’ve been standing, which you’d think isn’t a big deal. Engages more muscles, right? Sure. But when my upper arms and shoulders feel like they’re about to give out, I also start to pace around, do side-steps or knee-lifts (thanks Leslie Sansone, I'll never forget you). That would make me breathe harder and get more exhausted. Finally bought an appropriate chair, and the workout seemed so much easier (relatively speaking). Maybe not super easy, but toned down a bit to be tolerable and still able to follow along. Standing would still be good when an extra challenge is needed, but I thnk we’ve established I don’t need any more challenges than necessary right now. Yay for chairs! Still getting my heart rate up, still engaging lots of muscle, but it’s so much easier to breathe and actually recover during those little rest periods I was whining weren’t long enough. Viola! Just add a chair like you’re allowed to in the first place.

Hope

As trite as some of the videos yet, the one encouragement I did like (whether or not it’s true) claimed that after doing the exercises for a week, you would not only get stronger, but also be able to get through your day better. Ha, well, I have yet to see that, but I don’t do the same one every single day. Something to think about eventually, I suppose. But it’s a nice idea to hope in. Better than the dude that takes forever inbetween sets telling you to drink lots and take it easy, and ends up spending 5+ minutes going over 1 exercise.

Not too Sore, but Hot

Attempted 40 seconds of each arm exercise, 20 second rest inbetween. Afterwards had a warm shower, massaged muscle area with spiky ball, stretched a little (need to look up specific stretches), 2 aleve before bed. People keep saying lots of water, but I already have 3-4 30 ounce glasses by the time I’m off work, so I don’t normally keep chugging unless I want to get up all night. I did make sure I had a couple smaller glasses though. Felt ok this morning; barely felt a little tenderness that some musles had indeed been used. Today it’s already 99 F and I dread exercising in the heat. Indoors isn’t quite that bad, but bad enough I want to hide in the back room where it’s cooler with less windows. I may test the theory of doing an exercise one at a time and not doing all in quick succession. Like watch tv and do one here and there. Better than nothing in theory, right? I made a list of them and nofficial silly names to remember them, like the drum major, chicken flap, air traffic controller, waitress bend, and newly coined: muscle-man-double-deoderant-check. Let’s see how many I can remember without even checking the list.

Tortoise or Hare?

The arm exercise videos I’ve been doing seem based not only on pure repetitions and time spent, but also doing many different exercises in close succession, therefore tiring one’s arms out from holding them up for so long. They do have mercy – only usually 60 seconds at a time and then a brief rest (5-9 seconds). I’m getting sore and winded though, so I’m given to woder if it’s ok to take somewhat longer breaks inbetween? Or is it better to keep going as full-blast as I can, and give up when I’m exhausted, rejoin as soon as I can? If I take longer breaks (15-30 seconds?), am I’m still working enough? Or is that cheating too much? Is it better to do 10 min following the video precisely as fast/long, even though I semi-collapse a few seconds her and there? Or can I make a list of the exercises and do at my own pace w/breaks for maybe 15-20 minutes instead? If I do increase my rest time, what will motivate me to go back to shorter ones? Or get me ready to? I have not, and would not, try wimpy weights unless I slowed down to my own pace. So that is not an issue yet. But which is better, speed and exhaustion from close succession of exercises? Or engaging more muscle from using light weights but going slower?

Being winded, tired, sweaty, I can handle. It's being so rediculously sore that's annoying. I ease up on my effort for a couple days, feel fine, try to do a bit more, and then regret it. Do you know how exhausting it is dreaming about being uncomfortably sore and achey all over? You wake up feeling like you've been acutely aware of your suffering that much longer.

You're a health coach, not a dictator

Got an e-mail from the Health Coach ths morning saying she had conferred with the Physical Therapist and I officially have permission to stop doing the painful exercises (that I stopped immediately). Gee, ya think? Do I really, finally have your official authorization to stop doing something that caused so much unrelenting and repeated pain? Gosh, thanks. I mean, I’d never thought she thought so much of herself that she’d expect I would keep doing activities that caused so much pain I coulnd’t concentrate and took prescription medication before I officiaolly had her permission to stop. Whatever. Good news is I’ve been pain free for two days. Yay.

Pain, pain, go away

Small adjustable weights still sound somewhat tempting, you know, for someday when it doesn’t hurt to stretch or breathe deeply. When I can actually concentrate reading product reviews because my pack and shoulders aren’t hurting so much that I can't think straight.

What the heck happened? Fine, I admit the first day I underestimated how unflexible I was and overdid it. Since it didn’t hurt right away, and I didn’t have very prompt feedback from my body that what I was doing was bad. Dear Body, I am so sorry about this. I did not mean to ignore you. You have my full attention. We tried to rest and back things up a bit, and I really thought we were doing ok. I have no idea where this pain came from 2 days ago that is so ridiculously unrelenting. I think we still need to move gently a little once in a while. Please tell me what is acceptable to do. I have no idea anymore.

Wimpy Weights?

I never lifted very heavy weights, but in my youth I had no problem with my little set of 5, 8, and 10 pounders. Might even have a 12 around here somewhere. But really not that heavy for hand weights, right? Long stupid story, couple years ago I developed tennis elbow in my left non-dominant hand from strength exercises, and it still plagues me. While I’ve increased reps with 5-8 pounds on my right side, the left I can’t get past 5 pounds and 5 reps of anything without delayed pain and burning. If I use the tension strap, I can get past that, but I used it so much the Velcro is almost worn out. At a certain point it seems redic if I can’t do anything without using the darned strap. I’ve mentioned this annoyance in passing to my providers (not the main point of the visit) and they always tell me to do less and less. Work your way up to 2 pounds. Don’t use weights at all. Uhm, excuse me? I’m doing this sculpted arm video the Health Coach gave me, and while it does get my heart-rate up, I cannot fathom how it would ever promote building muscle or “sculpting.” But maybe, just maybe, if one added some reasonably small weights . . . I don’t think I’d want to start off with my 5 pounders, which are the smallest I have. But 2, 3, 4, whatever, which previously seemed so ridiculously wimpy. Thought maybe if one used them during walking videos (did I mention I can’t walk outside like a normal person?) and such, maybe they could earn their place. Yes, know one can use a can or bottle of water. Whatever one has lying around. I think I’d prefer the sock full of pennies or some denser weight. And what happens if I drop the can or bottle and it explodes all over the place? I tried a can of noodle soup here, and it’s so large it’s unwieldy. I’m not saying I need to look sleek and stylish, but there’s a point the size or form doesn’t work well.

So Sore

Did I mention getting old sucks? Gone are the days I could try to do something moderate and not regret it. I have to admit not everything is sore, but boy, it’s a lot more than I would have predicted. And as I said, I’m not good with pain, even if it’s reasonable soreness. It makes me not want to move to accentuate the discomfort. All I’m doing is trying these beginner non-standing exercises, and when I’m tired and the person keeps going, I take a little break to recover until I feel ready again. I seriously don’t feel I’m over-doing anything. So to feel this much after-soreness seems surprising. If I’m already this sore, doing this little, it does not feel encouraging, as it may only get worse. But I’m trying to hang in there and not take a day off, as I’m pretty sure that’ll only prolong things as well. All I can do it hope that my ability eventually catches up for a tiny bit before I need to push myself farther and go back to being more sore again.

Evil Stretches?

It took until Friday for the back pain to subside enough for me to gingerly attempt any more new exercises. Pretty sad. I have some tiny simple leg and arm ones I can do, that I have done, off and on, but nothing else adventurous. Friday I finally re-wound the stretches for elderly video that was recommended, and I believe I found the culprit. Luckily I barely did anything, because I was so scared and tentative. The neck stretches made my spine pop and seemed supect, and caused notable discomfort in the same areas of my back as before, within a couple of hours, so I think we have a winner. The silliness is stretches are supposed to be good for you. Generally the least dangerous thing one can supposedly do. I guess the verdict is that I am so feeble and decrepit I can somehow cause pretty massive pain by simply stretching. I do have other back-specific stretches I’ve tried with success. The Health Coach was swift and adamant to tell me how dangerous that is. Yes, anyone can post anything online. I only did ones recommended by supposed doctors and physical therapists, but I admit I didn’t do background checks on them first. I also tried them slowly and skeptically, but they did help. The point is what little I had in my arsenal, I was scolded for using. Then I try the stuff they recommend and end up on muscle relaxants for a couple of days. Hmmm, ok. I have gone back to undertaking no more than one new exercise per day. I also started tediously detailed notes about everything. How long it took for pain to set in, how much it worsened, how much medicine I took without relief. My spouse suspects perhaps it was a pinched nerve. Who knows. I'm not going anywhere near that type of movement again for a very long while. If nothing else, it did allow me to re-evaluate my perspective. Previously I said everything seemed to hurt. Oh how wrong I was.

New Adventures in Pain

Got some beginner exercises from the health coach. Kinda cool that everything is seated. Unfortunately I forgot the suggestion that I only try only one at a time. The idea that if anything hurts, you can easily identify what it was. I didn’t realize some things might not hurt until hours later. Not the sore - I over did a good thing hurt. Like, this exercise is not meant for my current body and is evil kind of hurt.

It’s not like I tried all of them. The leg and ankle ones were a piece of cake. I tried a couple neck stretches that seemed ok, but I got impatient and wanted to do some strength training. I tried a couple for abs, mainly to see if I could follow the instructions and had a chair that would work (I do not). Then I did one 15 minute arm workout and discovered out how easily one can get an aerobic/cardio workout without using legs or feet.

About three hours later I started to feel a little sore, and thought, wow, that was fast (usually it’s the next day). Four hours later my spine felt like it was on fire. Otc pills didn’t help, so I ended up raiding the medicine cabinet for a previously prescribed muscle relaxant so I could get some sleep.

Yep, I'm not healthy and invincible anymore. I seriously did not think I overdid it that badly. I thought maybe my arms would be a little tender from the length of use, but they're fine. I'm thinking it had to be the ab ones, since that's parallel to the back. Hurt from my skull down to my hips. The two gentle neck stretches should not have done that much damage.

So I'm backing down from turtle-pace to snail pace. Maybe start again tomorrow, or whenever I feel sufficiently recovered. I piddly type of exercise per day. Even then, I'm still scared to try the ones from yesterday. Maybe 1 rep and wait? Oye.

Collecting Resources

I found a few interesting resources through work. I was encouraged to talk to the insurance’s Care Coordinator, who referred me to a Health Coach and Dietician. Definition of Care Coordinator: person hired to get after people who have chronic conditions that cost the company more money than they would like. While I do have chronic issues, I don’t think I cost them too much money. I mainly have some prescriptions, dental visits, and annual wellness crud. At any rate, the CC hooked me up with a health coach and dietician. The Health Coach said they would suggest some exercises (which I am welcome to reject) and a plan to progress. The Dietician, but they want to talk for an hour during the workday. My department policy is to give at least two weeks notice for any appointments, even f there are plenty of people still working and you make up the time. So that will have to wait. Interesting possible resources lined up that I don’t have to pay for.

All or Nothing Teaching

I have issues with all-or-nothing-thinking. But let’s acknowledge everyone learngs things from somewhere. Maybe some of us are especially good at picking up negative habits. But it’s still usually influenced from somewhere. Today I’d like to acknowledge all the dorks who helped me have a crappy attitude.

The doctor who told me you HAVE to exercise at least 25-30 minutes or else there’s no point. Thank you so much for that professional view that haunts me even when I disagree with you for years. So if you have a couple 15 minute breaks, or can only talk a walk for part of your lunch, don’t bother, because it’s absolutely useless and doesn’t do anything. I realize what you meant was it won’t burn enough calories to get past sugar and start burning fat. But this really wasn’t helpful advice. Every time I try to do a little here or there, or baby steps, I imagine you mocking me.

The provider at the orthopaedic place who told me I should never, ever go hiking again. No uneven surfaces whatsover. Thank you. What little I thought I could look forward to and enjoy if I ever got back into shape, has been dashed to pieces. In my youth I used to exercise thinking of how I was training and preparing to go on beaufiful hikes. I'd push the incline because I knew it would not only burn calories and get my heart rate up, but it would help me do something I could look forward to. To tell me it’ll ruin my knees if I ever walk on uneven ground is basically telling me not to bother being healthy at all. If I can’t do anything fun whether I’m out of shape or healthy, there’s no point working for the latter.

The nurse that told me to not worry about walking or aerobic activity and focus on weights; uhm, that wasn’t necessarily helpful either. I get that you were trying to say focus on weights more, but you just told me to ditch the walks I was doing three times a day at work and veg and look at my phone. Could you please work on your phrasing? I already blow things out of proportion. Don’t tell me not to worry about walking, because what my brain hears is “don’t bother walking.”

The specialist who said don’t bother strength training. Yes, I am big enough that flapping my arms around might do something, but really? You’re going to tell me to ditch the 8 pound weights and dio nothing? I get that most of your patients are old and frail, so maybe you think we’re all going to snap like a twig. But you’re basically telling me to give up and stop what little progress I’ve made. Do you teach a course in “Giving up and waiting to die” too? You talked to me like a three-year-old telling me that even two-pound weights are sooooo heavy.

Now I've been told don't walk, do weights, and don't do weights, they're heavy. Don't hike, don't go outside (yet a different health issue). No wonder I've started down the slope of "if it hurts, bag it." Thanks for all your unhealthy advice. Please stop. It's as bad as the nurse who told me no dietary changes would help my cholesterol unless I cut out all fat (did you know even some plants contain fat?) and would not allow me to leave without taking a prescription she promised would ruin my liver and possibly my kidneys. You know what? I took some natural supplements and lowered my total 20 points in 6 months. So go bite me. You weren't helpful either.

Getting Old Sucks

Getting old sucks. Stinks. Whatever unpleasant or colorful verb or adjective you’d like to insert here. I think when you’re a teenager, you have a degree of believing you’re invincible (at least in my society). You think you know better than parents, teachers, or other adults. You think you can conquer the world, and that you’re capable of anything. It can also creep into belief about your physical prowess, and believing nothing really bad or catastrophic will happen to you. Other people, sure, but not you. I thought I grew out of this by my 30’s, but I can see a shred of it was still left in me until later. Lose muscle mass after 40? Oh, that only happens to other people who aren’t active and let themselves go. Sure, the society as a whole works boring desk jobs and is tired or that or taking care of family by that time, so it makes sense that everyone thinks it’s inevitable. But not me, right? If I keep up the same routine of being active? Surely that won’t happen to me, right?

Yeah, reality checks stink too sometimes. Now that I’m well . . . a lot past 40, and to the point that I’m getting applicatios for old-people things (in my country, AARP, Medicare), I’m trying to check in with reality. Thankfully I haven’t had any drastic health issues, but here and there, little nastiness that I feel entitled to feel a little miffed at (resentful? Entitled to gripe or have a mini pity party?)

This is an attempt to think through things and get myself on a better path. Probably in itty, bitty baby steps, because I’m a big ol’ weenie. At least I know it. In my younger years, I took great care warming up and cooling down, because I did not want soreness and pain to be an excuse not to exercise. It did help. I new how to listen to my body and what I could reasonably accomplish. Not so sure about now. Let’s just say that I hurt a lot more than I reasonably should. If I want to change that, I’ve got to figure out a plan. I’ve got to work past those pity parties about why this or that is so hard or unfair and figure out a solution, even if it’s baby steps. Who better to give myself advice than me?

I certainly never wanted to go to those revered personal trainers I heard about that pushed people so hard they vomited after most sessions. Uhm, unless bulimia was the planned fringe benefit to help lose weight? No, not for me. I’m more of the slower than a turtle-sloth lifestyle sustainable changes, and even then, I’ve failed at multiple programs designed around that.

Sadly I admit I’ve started down that nasty path of if it hurts, fine, I don’t wanna do that, or I do less and less. That forecasts me being the little old lady who refuses to do physical therapy after a fall and never gets out of bed the rest of her life. I think I’d rather be that weird old lady who makes (very slow) laps around the assisted living or nursing center even if it takes her 3 hours to cover a couple of miles. Good socializing that way, right?

I’m a horrible introvert and diagnosed depression, so I know social connections are important. So is exercise. I no longer have goals of getting down to this weight or into that size. But when you feel cruddy all the time because you’re old and things hurt and you stay in and don’t go anywhere . . . You see this can get into a nasty downward spiral. I guess I'll attempt blogging about this in an effort to shake off this funk.