Ideal Space

I’m going to be working at home until at least June. I already have cabin fever big time, from all non-essentials being closed, and not supposed to go anywhere non-essential. Though my city’s traffic has only been reduced less than half, so that tells you how serious people are not taking it.

I guess the lesson to me should be this: the ideal is to make one’s home a sanctuary – a place one loves to be. Relaxing, inspiring, peaceful, motivating, whatever or all of the above. Mine decidedly is not. With all this opportunity to stay home and be in a place of your own ideal creation, I should make it better so it’s a happier place to be.

The sudden move of all my work space here threw a sizable wrench in things. I had three boxes of crap to take home, mostly personal comforts, such as a blanket (it gets cold), lamp, my own pens, spices, etc, not including 2 large monitors. I had to supply my own power bank/strip, and after a couple weeks of unpleasant back pain, sprang for a decent chair (aaaah). We got a narrow bookcase for the corner by my work desk, which helped a lot, since my desk is only a flat surface (no drawers or storage space). We figured it can also double as a nice cat perch, as it’s next to another area the cats lounge about. But it’s still far from ideal. If I’m going to be spending all my time either here, or elsewhere in my home, I really should take the time and effort to make my work and living area more of a refreshing oasis, somewhere you’d have to drag me away from, because it’s so perfect and idyllic. Everyone else is treating this like so grand vacation. This isn’t quite a vacation for me, but instead of whining about all the drawbacks of working at home (higher utilities, longer hours), I should use the Kondo method etc to really make it a more pleasant place to be.

Doldrum effects on decisions

I’ve noticed interesting effects of current emotional states on sorting and decision making. The whole COVID-19 isn’t the end of the world, but it causes plenty of aftermath even though I haven’t been personally effected by it yet. From worrying about loved ones, uncertainty of income, bitterness of feeling overworked and underpaid, cabin fever, annoyance of hearing everyone else voice political opinions . . . Let’s just say it’s produced a lot of ups and downs. I wonder if I should be concerned about my ability to evaluate items properly during especially stressed times. I’ve had the doldrums where I feel like yeah, right, nothing sparks joy. Does that mean I deserve to live in a bland, dark cell because I don’t deserve to keep anything? On the opposite end, occasionally I’ve felt like, heck, with all this going on, I’m keeping that stuffed animal if I feel like it even if I’m not sure it sparks true joy, and to heck with Kondo if she were to personally tell me otherwise.

I still wonder if I’ll have to re-sort things twice to really fine-tune everything. Everything but clothing, perhaps. I really didn’t keep much in that area. I only have a small fraction left, to the point I wonder if I need to start watching on-line sales, so I don’t run out of shirts if we don’t do laundry often enough. But everything else, I think I was so exhausted by the end of it . . . You’re supposed to do things in one fell swoop, but by doing so, I don’t know how reliable my decision-making is near the end either. I know I got rid of books I wish I hadn’t. And I probably have candles I should not have kept. And it still bugs me that I can’t donate things right now because everything is closed. It’s a trivial thing, but it feels more annoying than it should, combined with everything else.

COVID-19 Complications

I realize this isn’t the end of the world; just another annoyance. I can’t get my prescription refill since rumor has it that it could be used to treat the virus. Solving COVID-19 is much more important than my arthritis and sun issues, but so far I hear it’s more rumor than anything being done, and I can’t get my medication. It’s not that once it’s back it supply, everything will immediately be fine. It takes 6 months of consistent use in order to work. I once made the mistake of forgetting to bring it with me for a short trip out of town, and I was in pain for about three weeks afterwards. That was my own fault, of course. I’m just saying, even skipping it for a short amount of time has longer lasting repercussions. I have deformities in my legs and hands that made me prone to arthritis. Prior to this prescription, I had taped my knees almost every day for several months. It helped a little, but the skin was so raw it was getting to be an issue.

It also allows me to go outside once in a while, as it blocks absorption of some of the sun. It’s not that I like sitting in the sun. But I eventually had to get a disabled parking permit because being out for only a few seconds caused a lot of discomfort or pain. I have tinted windows in my car, and as a passenger still held my arms above my head during a five minute ride to avoid as much light as possible. The most memorable was being inside a car on a dark rainy day with a jacket. I failed to wear long sleeves underneath my jacket and could feel the irritation where my short sleeves left off.

If the following picture comes through, this is how my skin felt: as if it was cracked and dry and the edge of every dry cracked piece was stabbing the tender skin underneath. Or possibly as if someone poured powdered glass all over my arms and that was stabbing into the pores and crevices in my skin.

Either way, it’s been pleasant being able to run brief errands, or drive to and from work without that kind of irritation or pain. So this prescription was kind of a nice respite from both of those ailments. It’ll be a bummer if I have to start all over with new prescriptions, especially since my physician has a six-month wait for an appointment, if they are even still accepting appointments with all of this going on. I just went in January and cleared vision and blood tests to get another year’s worth . . . until now.

The Coronavirus Continues

There are three types of stress reactions: fight, flight, or freeze. I am the slightly lesser-known freeze type. The deer in headlights. I can be easily overwhelmed. That might be why I liked the first Marie Kondo book so much – it took things step by step, and it felt like she was gently guiding you through the journey, to easy anxiety or trepidation. The reader of the English audiobook had a calm soothing voice that helped me feel like I could do this, and everything would be ok. I need a conscience or some other invisible voice that soothes me like this more often.

I took an elective on-line college class on coping with stress about a year ago. I think I need to dust off the reading material and notes. You see, even taking a class like that was less scary for me. This presented books and materials that were approved by some unseen professor. Do you realize how much easier that is to trust, vs. wading through mounds and mounds of proclaimed self-help books? Where does one even start? Browse covers, read reviews? Yes, that’s fine. But do you realize how many reviews are out there? Which ones do you put more stock in? Do you start looking at the length of the book, and consider 300 pages might be a better buy than 150 because it potentially has more material and resources? Sure, there are peer review journals, but those can be a big dry with case studies and statistics. Those can be helpful for valid references, but not necessarily easily applicable in one’s life seeking self-improvement. Even if I were to not like all the information in that stress class, at least it presented ideals that were carefully pruned and presented in sequence for learning and evaluation. I can get overwhelmed just looking at all the great Ted Talks there are out there. There are so many I find it paralyzing knowing where to start.

I bring this up because for those of us directed to stay at home during the COVID-19 situation, it can be challenging. Being cooped up can cause one to feel stir-crazy. I know I do. So I am trying to look at it as an opportunity for self-improvement. Although I still work more than 40 hours a week from home, I should relish this extra time to boldly go . . . where. That’s where I get stuck. There are so many things one could do, right? But where to start? Or how to decide? I am the one who feels like I need a break because I get overwhelmed with the possibilities until I feel like a failure for not doing more in the first place and have to talk myself down from a mini-panic attack. I’m the one who has a hard time really internalizing that idea of 1000 miles beginning one step at a time because I can’t stop gaping at the entire map, studying terrain, projected weather patterns, locations for potential supplies, and could get caught up in an hour search and evaluation for the perfect long-lasting and comfortable shoe and how much it’s going to cost me from various places.

Maybe I need to begin with meditation. The whole idea is quieting one’s mind, right? I think I could use some of that.