Hopeful Hygge

So I recently started learning a little more about this hygge idea. I had heard of the word when Red Heart yarn introduced a new line with that name. It sounded like a nice idea, but not really great yarn, so I didn’t pay much attention. Anyway, I recently saw a youtube video that came recommended, and I thought, what the hey. Which led me to internet searches. I don’t know; it just seems to strike a chord with me. Kondo made the impression that you just keep having to get rid of more and more stuff, and then your surroundings will eventually be happier. By default, what is left, will make you feel happy, cozy, and content. Yeah, so far not really working. Not even a gentle slope towards that end. I do still need to get rid of stuff. And I’m not saying this is an excuse to get more stuff. But I am all for having more cozy and comfy in my corner. I’ve been tempted to get things like fake flickering light bulbs for quite a while. I shouldn’t say this justifies going out and getting a bunch, but at least it makes me feel like my longing sort of has a place. Even if I’m crazy, it’s nice to not be the only one. In a way, it makes a tiny bit of sense. Maybe I could look into some of these other ideas.

Can’t crochet my way out of this

Well, sorting has come to a standstill. One of the things I want to use and go through, vs. discard and get rid of, is yarn. I like to make blankets or scarves. I’ve made scarves for probably every extended family member. I used to make baby blankets, but I don’t do fancy enough things that they were very appreciated, so I don’t offer them much anymore. The last crib blanket I made for a grand-niece took over 100 hours. It was appreciated, but in cases where they are not, I don’t see the point of wasting that much time for something unwanted. So the rest of the time I usually make blankets for animal shelters or rescue groups. They aren’t as picky as to the colors they want, they’re smaller, don’t need to be “heirloom quality” and I’d like to think the animals generally appreciate them, if the humans don’t get in the way. Don’t get me started on that. The point is, having a slight yarn/crocheting addiction for decades, one starts to pay attention to sales and clearance items, and one can start to accumulate a little bit of a “stash” that’s generally larger than one would go through quickly. I’ve made about 19 animal blankets this year, and one large crib blanket. I estimate 1 pound skein of yarn can make at least 4 animal blankets. Each blanket probably takes at least 10+ hours. Arthritis des not allow me to crochet more than an hour a day, and sometimes not even that much. Although I enjoy it, this is not an efficient way to reduce or go through things. A friend gave me some space-saver vacuum bags earlier this year, and ideally, I should sort through things and pack them away in those bags, to at least reduce the volume. But that involves going back to the dreaded storage unit. And sorting through such bulk. Is it worth it to have everything wonderfully organized, or should one just cram it in and make it as small as possible and get through it? What if it’s 90% organized, and then I find things that belonged in bag #1, and I don’t want to have to go re-pack everything because the bags are already loaded to capacity? Is it worth the effort and frustration? That’s a whole other story about the arguments that ensued about still having it, how quickly to go through it, or whether to keep it and start packing up other items so we can move by next spring, due to the increasing cost of rent. We cannot afford to keep paying 10-15% rent increases every year when our income doesn’t go up that much. For all I know, we might need to move into an apartment much smaller, and pay the same amount as we do now. So that’s another dreaded discussion and unhappy possibility. Thus I should really get back to finishing the stuffed animals, but that created other family arguments, so that’s part of why that stopped.

Current Stuffy Count

43 stuffed animal bags uncovered. Ahem. Yeah. Don’t judge me. Some women spend money on shoes, purses, make-up and accessories. My accessories are stuffed animals.

Last weekend my husband finally tackled the kitchen, which was a huge undertaking. The kitchen is his turf. Not only is he the only one that cooks, but he has had things stacked and piled up preventing me from getting into certain cupboards for years. Yes, years. You don’t want to know how bad exploded cans get after years of isolation. Luckily it’s dry in this area, so most of the fallout was yucky dried vs. growing and expanding. It’s not as if the kitchen is “done” but that was a huge accomplishment and gives more room to work with now that those cupboards are accessible.

Ideal Space

I’m going to be working at home until at least June. I already have cabin fever big time, from all non-essentials being closed, and not supposed to go anywhere non-essential. Though my city’s traffic has only been reduced less than half, so that tells you how serious people are not taking it.

I guess the lesson to me should be this: the ideal is to make one’s home a sanctuary – a place one loves to be. Relaxing, inspiring, peaceful, motivating, whatever or all of the above. Mine decidedly is not. With all this opportunity to stay home and be in a place of your own ideal creation, I should make it better so it’s a happier place to be.

The sudden move of all my work space here threw a sizable wrench in things. I had three boxes of crap to take home, mostly personal comforts, such as a blanket (it gets cold), lamp, my own pens, spices, etc, not including 2 large monitors. I had to supply my own power bank/strip, and after a couple weeks of unpleasant back pain, sprang for a decent chair (aaaah). We got a narrow bookcase for the corner by my work desk, which helped a lot, since my desk is only a flat surface (no drawers or storage space). We figured it can also double as a nice cat perch, as it’s next to another area the cats lounge about. But it’s still far from ideal. If I’m going to be spending all my time either here, or elsewhere in my home, I really should take the time and effort to make my work and living area more of a refreshing oasis, somewhere you’d have to drag me away from, because it’s so perfect and idyllic. Everyone else is treating this like so grand vacation. This isn’t quite a vacation for me, but instead of whining about all the drawbacks of working at home (higher utilities, longer hours), I should use the Kondo method etc to really make it a more pleasant place to be.

Doldrum effects on decisions

I’ve noticed interesting effects of current emotional states on sorting and decision making. The whole COVID-19 isn’t the end of the world, but it causes plenty of aftermath even though I haven’t been personally effected by it yet. From worrying about loved ones, uncertainty of income, bitterness of feeling overworked and underpaid, cabin fever, annoyance of hearing everyone else voice political opinions . . . Let’s just say it’s produced a lot of ups and downs. I wonder if I should be concerned about my ability to evaluate items properly during especially stressed times. I’ve had the doldrums where I feel like yeah, right, nothing sparks joy. Does that mean I deserve to live in a bland, dark cell because I don’t deserve to keep anything? On the opposite end, occasionally I’ve felt like, heck, with all this going on, I’m keeping that stuffed animal if I feel like it even if I’m not sure it sparks true joy, and to heck with Kondo if she were to personally tell me otherwise.

I still wonder if I’ll have to re-sort things twice to really fine-tune everything. Everything but clothing, perhaps. I really didn’t keep much in that area. I only have a small fraction left, to the point I wonder if I need to start watching on-line sales, so I don’t run out of shirts if we don’t do laundry often enough. But everything else, I think I was so exhausted by the end of it . . . You’re supposed to do things in one fell swoop, but by doing so, I don’t know how reliable my decision-making is near the end either. I know I got rid of books I wish I hadn’t. And I probably have candles I should not have kept. And it still bugs me that I can’t donate things right now because everything is closed. It’s a trivial thing, but it feels more annoying than it should, combined with everything else.

COVID-19 Complications

I realize this isn’t the end of the world; just another annoyance. I can’t get my prescription refill since rumor has it that it could be used to treat the virus. Solving COVID-19 is much more important than my arthritis and sun issues, but so far I hear it’s more rumor than anything being done, and I can’t get my medication. It’s not that once it’s back it supply, everything will immediately be fine. It takes 6 months of consistent use in order to work. I once made the mistake of forgetting to bring it with me for a short trip out of town, and I was in pain for about three weeks afterwards. That was my own fault, of course. I’m just saying, even skipping it for a short amount of time has longer lasting repercussions. I have deformities in my legs and hands that made me prone to arthritis. Prior to this prescription, I had taped my knees almost every day for several months. It helped a little, but the skin was so raw it was getting to be an issue.

It also allows me to go outside once in a while, as it blocks absorption of some of the sun. It’s not that I like sitting in the sun. But I eventually had to get a disabled parking permit because being out for only a few seconds caused a lot of discomfort or pain. I have tinted windows in my car, and as a passenger still held my arms above my head during a five minute ride to avoid as much light as possible. The most memorable was being inside a car on a dark rainy day with a jacket. I failed to wear long sleeves underneath my jacket and could feel the irritation where my short sleeves left off.

If the following picture comes through, this is how my skin felt: as if it was cracked and dry and the edge of every dry cracked piece was stabbing the tender skin underneath. Or possibly as if someone poured powdered glass all over my arms and that was stabbing into the pores and crevices in my skin.

Either way, it’s been pleasant being able to run brief errands, or drive to and from work without that kind of irritation or pain. So this prescription was kind of a nice respite from both of those ailments. It’ll be a bummer if I have to start all over with new prescriptions, especially since my physician has a six-month wait for an appointment, if they are even still accepting appointments with all of this going on. I just went in January and cleared vision and blood tests to get another year’s worth . . . until now.

The Coronavirus Continues

There are three types of stress reactions: fight, flight, or freeze. I am the slightly lesser-known freeze type. The deer in headlights. I can be easily overwhelmed. That might be why I liked the first Marie Kondo book so much – it took things step by step, and it felt like she was gently guiding you through the journey, to easy anxiety or trepidation. The reader of the English audiobook had a calm soothing voice that helped me feel like I could do this, and everything would be ok. I need a conscience or some other invisible voice that soothes me like this more often.

I took an elective on-line college class on coping with stress about a year ago. I think I need to dust off the reading material and notes. You see, even taking a class like that was less scary for me. This presented books and materials that were approved by some unseen professor. Do you realize how much easier that is to trust, vs. wading through mounds and mounds of proclaimed self-help books? Where does one even start? Browse covers, read reviews? Yes, that’s fine. But do you realize how many reviews are out there? Which ones do you put more stock in? Do you start looking at the length of the book, and consider 300 pages might be a better buy than 150 because it potentially has more material and resources? Sure, there are peer review journals, but those can be a big dry with case studies and statistics. Those can be helpful for valid references, but not necessarily easily applicable in one’s life seeking self-improvement. Even if I were to not like all the information in that stress class, at least it presented ideals that were carefully pruned and presented in sequence for learning and evaluation. I can get overwhelmed just looking at all the great Ted Talks there are out there. There are so many I find it paralyzing knowing where to start.

I bring this up because for those of us directed to stay at home during the COVID-19 situation, it can be challenging. Being cooped up can cause one to feel stir-crazy. I know I do. So I am trying to look at it as an opportunity for self-improvement. Although I still work more than 40 hours a week from home, I should relish this extra time to boldly go . . . where. That’s where I get stuck. There are so many things one could do, right? But where to start? Or how to decide? I am the one who feels like I need a break because I get overwhelmed with the possibilities until I feel like a failure for not doing more in the first place and have to talk myself down from a mini-panic attack. I’m the one who has a hard time really internalizing that idea of 1000 miles beginning one step at a time because I can’t stop gaping at the entire map, studying terrain, projected weather patterns, locations for potential supplies, and could get caught up in an hour search and evaluation for the perfect long-lasting and comfortable shoe and how much it’s going to cost me from various places.

Maybe I need to begin with meditation. The whole idea is quieting one’s mind, right? I think I could use some of that.

Coronavirus Commentary

Well, there’s no use denying the COVID-19/novel corona virus going around is causing a lot of stress, sadness, and uncertainty, at the very least. I won’t pretend I have anything novel or unique to say about it. Here’s what made me slightly unexpectedly sad about it today. I mean, obviously there’s the death, suffering, fear, isolation and deplorable conditions some people have experienced. So never mind that. Here’s my little nuance. With all the thrift stores closed, I can’t donate any items anymore. At least giving to a thrift store, there was a slight chance of the items getting new life. If someone wanted them, and the tiny sales amount benefited charity, yay. At least there was a chance it could help someone, or not completely go to waste. No choice now. I was forced to work from home starting today, which means we have to get rid of a lot of stuff from our old desk, primarily my husband’s territory. He said hey, I’ll do the Kondo thing and get rid of some of this junk. And a millisecond after my happiness that he wanted to try, I realized everything we get rid of will have to go straight to the trash. I’m not even sure if recycling places are open anymore, if anything qualified. My (idiotic) country doesn’t recycle plastic anymore, so that’s down-heartening enough. Waste here, ignorance there, pandemic everywhere. (sigh) It can get to a person after a while. Restaurants closed, food aisles baron, unable to visit family for fear that someone somewhere might have been remotely around someone seven degrees away from someone who had the virus. Really ready for this to be over with. And it’s not by a long shot.

Hitting Pause

Taking another break from sorting stuffies. My spouse has observed that it seems to be slowly killing me. I can’t completely disagree. I’ve gotten increasingly jealous of a 17 year old that is taking most of them. I guess I thought if they were spread out more, I wouldn’t mind as much. Or if it was a wide-eyed grateful 7 year old wanting to take a large portion. I have several nieces/nephews and grandniece/nephews, so we’ve been dropping off most of them at the grand/greatgrandparents house to allow everyone to take what they want. The 17 year old grandson lives there and takes first pick of everything and has accumulated well over half the collection for himself. At first I was ok sharing, but I guess it’s gotten to me that if I can’t keep all the good stuff, I’m jealous that he gets to have it all (and free, of course). I realize it’s very selfish and petty of me. The point is that I’m getting rid of things out of obligation, not out of any innate desire to part with them. And that part is slowly chipping away at me and makes me sad every time I part with things – because I don’t want to. Did I mention I would happily take a note from Marie Kondo to present to my landlord saying I can keep these things and it’s not “too much stuff?”

So I have paused at 32 bags sorted. Maybe I can switch gears to something else for a while. My husband has offered to entertain expensive shelving investments for me. He’s the greatest. That is also anti-Kondo. You’re not supposed to look at storage solutions before everything is sorted. And by the way, half the time she says everything is supposed to fit in one closet per person, including clothing, furniture, outdoor and hobby gear, and even something as large as a treadmill (if we still had one). No. I’m sorry, I am already a decided failure in that aspect. I guess that’s part of why I feel so bad. I feel like I’m failing in so many aspects: that I don’t want to get rid of things, that I selfishly want to keep things that I believe spark joy, that it’s getting into my dreams and creating nightmares, that I wasn’t doing this 24-7 in the first place and refusing to take a day or evening off. My husband mentioned liking a certain brand of stuffed animal yesterday and I told him I already got rid of all of them. I thought he was tired of giving input when these were mainly my obsession. So now I feel badly about that too. Hence I am taking an indefinite break. I can’t keep doing this without hating every single moment of it.

General Grumpiness

I think I’m ready to delve back into the stuffy sorting. Yes, there’s more. I’m not sure exactly how much, but I’m sure quite a big. Not sure how many of the bags have yarn, but plenty of those too.

I fully admit this is breaking Kondo’s rules of going through everything all at once. But I got to the point (again) where it felt like I was just getting rid of nice stuff because I feel like I have to. And that is not what she recommends. It’s all in perspective, I guess. Right now the room that is piling up with sorted stuffies is stressing me out because the pile keeps getting bigger and bigger, and I don’t know how to store it neatly so everyone (apartment management) is happy. If that were not even an issue, that same pile of stuffed animals really would simply spark joy But it’s not that simple.

Work has been very busy and stressful too, so with working the weekend and long hours, I haven’t had a lot of extra time to go through things.
I have a few skeins of yarn left at home (vs those bagged up in storage) and I don’t even want to use those. Again it’s about perspective. It used to be nice and relaxing. Encouraging to see how many I made and donated. But since this started, I tried using as much, and crocheting as much as I could stand starting in December and I am so sick of it. I’m sick of thinking how I’m not going fast enough and getting rid of enough, and it just turns the whole connotation sour. It’s not fair. I guess it’s my fault for allowing that stress to sink in so much. If I had different colors on hand, I could make a baby blanket for my niece, who is expecting a baby. I’m sure I have her preferred colors somewhere, but not readily on hand, and obviously I can’t go buy some for that. She has already been given ample stuffed animals, and I told her she may or may not get a blanket, or if she does, it might be well after the baby is born. And she’s ok with that. Maybe if I had a better project like that to work on, I wouldn’t feel so negatively. But I don’t think I’m ready to go through a dozen or so bags of yarn and organize them up ideally in order to find what I need for her.

It’s just unfortunate, because between this and work, I don’t have a very positive outlook right now, and it’s unpleasant. All that joy Marie Kondo promised would be achieved by sorting and purging is not . . . happening. And don’t get me started on the clothing folding. My clothes have started smelling musty when folded, even though they smell fine after they’ve been washed, and continue to smell fine when hung up in the closet (I admit that’s primarily because it’s easier). I don’t notice the mustiness right away, but then when I wear a shirt for a couple of hours, phew. Trying vinegar in the rinse cycle, but when not folding improves the situation, it’s hard to be motivated to fold, let alone fold her special way. Ugh. I probably need to re-read or listen to the books again.

Weighted/hefty stuffies

I have some weighted stuffed animals too. Back before they had weighted blankets, they had hefty stuffies. Some were even microwavable or softly scented for relaxation (I wasn’t big on the scented ones). But I recall seeing microwavable comfy critters with mild lavender even in the spa section of the supermarket. I haven’t tried the weighted blankets that are all the craze now, so I can’t compare. But the stuffies are reminiscent of having a pet sleep with you. I had a cat sleep on my chest for 14 years, and that’s a difficult comfort to replace. It’s not as if the hefty stuffies weigh 10 pounds, but they are a start. I actually contemplated getting a few pounds of rice in a bag and putting a soft blanket over it . . . but it was a pathetic attempt. If they get a hefty stuffy that also purrs with a realistic vibration, sign me up.

Confessions of a bunny-holic

I’m sure I should have kept a precise census of all the stuffed animals I had before down-sizing. But it’s been hard enough deciding what to get rid of and what to keep, in every category. Counting them seemed like a stupid amount of extra effort.

The one thing I am still finding after 29 huge leaf bags, is more and more bunnies and rabbits. I think man, what was up with the rabbits? Yes, they multiple, but not usually in this setting. Think I’ve figured it out, finally. Any given day, in any stuffed animal selection, or toy store, you’ve hopefully not a nice little variety of animals. Some bears, dogs or cats, some assorted wildlife or fish, and so on. You’d probably think bears would win out over everything, given the classic teddy bear availability. (except lately where unicorns are over-running the market.) So why on earth do I have mounds and mounds of rabbits? Because every year, year after year, we get inundated with rabbit stuffies at Easter. Sure, sometimes there are some chicks or sheep, but the vast majority are bunnies. And like Pringles, you can’t have just one. If they come in blue, yellow, pink, green, blue, and purple, well, it’s a good chance that I got at least 2 or 3 of them. Or even the browns. I’ve found lovely textured and relatively realistic-ish looking fur on some of them. But when it comes in white, light, medium and dark brown, again, even if I don’t have every single one released, chances are I got at least a couple varieties. And like Marie Kondo suggests, I probably evaluated each one of them individually, as if in a vacuum of space and time. I looked at a new arrival on its own merits, not compared to the ever-increasing mountain I had at home. Those previous acquisitions were completely out of sight and mind. I’m sure I looked at each new flock of rabbits each year with unprejudiced open-ness to whether it, on its own merits, was worthy of coming home to stay with me. New bunnies every single year for over 25 years. Yeah, you do the math. And that’s not counting any other incidental bunnies still available all year long. Maybe bunnies used to be as ubiquitous as unicorns are now. I would have thought nothing of it as long as I liked them. They’re probably a good small child staple. Maybe they were the new teddy bears of the day.

For winter holidays, I had several penguins, bears, and moose with winter sweaters or scarves, but nothing like the population of bunnies. No one has flooded the winter market like they do with bunnies in spring. Not even Coca-cola bears, and believe me, I have a few of those too.

Other Commentary

Interesting thoughts today. Youtube brought up a video with some psychological commentary on Marie Kondo’s method, so I thought fine, I’ll bite. It wasn’t saying that it was horrible across the board, but that it did tend to focus on material items, and that may not be the best source of joy, and that it can be a catalyst for people who already have, or a tendency for psychological issues. No arguments there. One could even argue, gee, the book is about organizing and evaluating possessions, and that’s the whole point, so yeah, it talks about material possessions. Kind of like critiquing a financial advise book for being too centered on money.

From there, somehow I got listening to a presentation by Gabrielle Bernstein. I’ve vaguely heard of her before, didn’t get completely sucked in, but moderately intrigued. Lots of nice little ideas. But then where to start? She has several books out already. Guess that emphasizes that I need to get a library card. There are lots of good books out there, but I don’t want to buy every single one in order to read it. I admit I bought the Kondo books, but I had already decided I would need to re-read more than once. And why read all of Gabby’s books when you could go straight to the source and read the 1300+ page book A Course in Miracles? Ok, maybe she is more like the Cliff Notes version. I don’t know, as I haven’t read either.

I guess it just brings up that I do feel lacking in lots of areas. There are so many self-help books and ideas and classes out there . . . I just end up feeling easily overwhelmed. Where to start? What is the absolute best resource so you can get right to it and not waste time and effort with mediocre ones? I could use a pick-me-up as evaluating and clearing things out has been a bit draining lately. It feels like I’m not making progress, and the front room is so cluttered, I can’t locate things I once could. Bringing things home from work sucked too, even though I’ve brought quite a bit back. Apparently I need 3 different types of lotion. Maybe not all on the same day, but for various days/dryness during the week, I had to bring one back in. I admit I’m high maintenance. I don’t like trucking everything like that back and forth on a daily basis.

Well, in any case, I guess I’m feeling a little bummed, and I probably am looking in all the wrong places for relief. And as long as we’re looking for enlightenment, the classically trained church-goer in me scolds me for considering any other reading material outside classic scripture. How could you beat that, right? Yet . . . let me steep myself in sacrilege by comparing to exercising. I’ve heard the ideal is say, an hour, first thing in the morning, before eating anything. But if you’re not a morning person, or have to eat before you exercise, does that mean you’re doomed? Is it really all or nothing? Would you tell a person to not exercise in the afternoon at all because it deviates from the ideal? Maybe I do need cliff notes versions once in a while.

20 bags down

20 stuffed animal bags officially sorted. I am so sick of this.

To keep . . . or not to keep

One thing I occasionally struggle with is my spiritual upbringing that tells me that if I enjoy these material items, I’m looking for comfort and joy in all the wrong places. That argument is probably true enough. And it’s not as if you can take these things with you when you die. One could argue if you really have to have a stark and minimal existence in this life even if you do believe in one hereafter.

But to me it seems like it’s two separate arguments; spending inordinate amounts of money on silly things, or wanting to keep some silly things that you already have. I won’t argue that I did spend a stupid amount of effort and money acquiring these things. Or that there could be better pursuits than snuggling with a stuffed animal after a stressful day at work. But one could argue there are also worse things. Again, the stupid purchases have already been made, and the money wasted. We’re not talking about being able to return or resell these items and recoop money, only giving them away. I guess some of the point is to regain some space, but that’s not the highest motivator here when I’m looking at beloved possessions I already have. The question is whether it’s worth the space to keep them here, if they have the potential to give me enough joy that it warrants them taking up space here. And since I’ve had so much MORE stuff taking up in ordinate amounts of space, I probably don’t have the best perspective yet.
15 bags down.

Still sorting stuffies

I think I’ll have to say goodbye to the M&M plushes. I had already resigned that we wouldn’t keep the 3 foot tall blue one. But recently I emptied the bag with the four smaller ones. They’re cute, and certainly might make me smile occasionally, but they’re probably only a 6 on the joy scale. Certainly better than average, but maybe not quite as joyful as when I first got them.

Today I had the opportunity to see something I was giving away spark joy in someone else. It’s not that I’m rating everything on a scale of 1-10, but I think this large penguin was probably a 7 or 7.5 for me. And there are so many 9s and 10s I’m clutching onto, and this one was so big, I decided to let it go. It literally elicited a squeal of delight when she heard she could have it (this was an adult, by the way, not a small child). I guess that’s the best I could ask for – to have these things go to good homes where people can appreciate them at least as much as I did, if not more. I feel badly getting rid of a 2+ foot long Meeko because I doubt someone as obsessed with that raccoon as I was will find it in the thrift store down the street. Why do I feel compelled to part with it? Because I have TWO. And don’t have the time and energy to sell everything off one by one. I am already practically mortified by how much that storage unit costs a month. We couldn’t make enough selling things to substantiate keeping the place longer. I think it was great that my husband was understanding enough to allow me to get it in he first place (as the stuff is primarily mine, even if he occasionally appreciates the stuff), but it’s ridiculous to dump much more money into it. We have now made it through bag 13.

Slump

My decluttering has taken a sour turn. I can’t evaluate things purely on their ability to spark joy. I keep thinking about how big the keep pile already is, and whether or not I have enough room for anything else. Or I think how it was buried and I hadn’t been appreciating it lately, therefore I don’t deserve to enjoy it, or how someone else should be able to enjoy it more than me. Or even worse, I feel guilty having spent money on these things in the first place, that I don’t feel like I deserve to have anything enjoyable. Perhaps the pure joy items haven’t truly left, but a lot of happy things feel like they have been chucked out the window. I guess things can’t spark joy if you feel guilty about having them, but it doesn’t necessarily feel better getting rid of them either. Nothing you can’t live without, but you still hate getting rid of, and things that creep into your thoughts days later, wondering why it would have been so evil to keep. I’ve already wasted the money at this point. It’s not as bad as wanting to buy new junk, is it? Yet it feels evil of me to want to keep things. I feel like I would trapped either way. Though at this point I‘m just sighing dolefully and telling myself I have to get rid of stuff. Like that’s my punishment for not being more responsible in the first place.

Clutter can be like Geese

Went through most of the stuffies on the couch. Friday we brought home 2 more bags, and by Saturday morning, only put the really obvious ones in bags to take to the grandparents (extended family always visits and can pick through and take what they want). They said within 2 hours only one bag was left. I’m ready to go back for more. After all, Konmari says to do this all in one fell swoop. It’s not that you can do it all in one day, but in one prolonged event. We already took 2 or 3 days break last week that I didn’t feel that I needed. I’m just saying, I’m on a roll, and I want to keep going. The only problem is that I keep taking away room on the couch and J has no where to play video games and hang out with the cats. Right now I have 2 cushions completely cleared off for him. Yesterday the entire thing was covered. I would have to compare it to the Canadian geese where we live. We seem to have geese at least 9 months out of the year. One could say that doesn’t make sense, because they are supposed to go south for the winter. I seriously think they do. But all fall and winter, I think we have different geese moving through here. Maybe ones from northern Canada do winter here because it is mild enough in comparison. So it’s the same with the couch. We are making progress, and things are moving through, but it can seem disheartening when there is always clutter, even though it is different clutter moving through.

Sparking Joy at work (not)

Now if only we could spark joy at work. I already know I have a joyless job. Maybe that’s partially why I compensate by having tons of personal “stuff” around. They’re attempting to remodel though, so they’ve warned us to take everything non-essential home. Glack. All I did was take extra pens and pictures home, and I feel like the life has been sucked out of me. I still have half a spice cabinet there and my mock medicine cabinet (vitamins and supplements) so my space is far from tidy or uncluttered. I’m very particular about the pens l like, so only having a few means it’s almost catastrophic if I misplace one. Not that I really needed 30+ there in an attractive pen-holder. But I seriously have to figure out some way to have something joyful there because I don’t think I can last long like this. And they haven’t even moved us into the smaller spaces yet where there won’t be room for anything. Not even cubicles, where one could at least decorate. Just open desks, barely big enough to fit keyboard and computer screens. I’ve been dreading it in the back of my mind for some time, as the construction slowly moved around the company. For the workplace almost being a “home away from home” where one sometimes spends the majority of waking hours, it sure seems like it’s going to be a listless barren . . . wasteland seems to be the best descrition.

Timely Reading

TimeI’m glad I got the second Marie Kondo book. Even though I haven’t made it very far, there are details I appreciate her bringing up. Every time I read something, I inevitably think “oops, I already messed that up” but I realize it’s not completely my fault. I simply started “tidying” before I knew all of her expert tips. I got rid of books she would have allowed me to keep. I apologized to clothing with tags still on, for not wearing and appreciating them (she has this thing about saying thank you and treating inanimate objects as living beings).

I’m happy to report I read something today just in time. She said if you have iffy items, go ahead and keep them confidently. Don’t stash them in the corner and see if you don’t miss them in 2 or 3 months. She says go ahead and keep them as if you love them, and see what happens. Either you’ll appreciate the item more, or realize you really don’t enjoy it that much. It reminds me of a youtube video by someone else (Simple Happy Zen, I believe) that said if you’re not sure about clothes you haven’t worn in a while, then start wearing them. You’ll either enjoy them and realize what you’re missing, or you’ll realize what was wrong with them and the reason you stopped wearing them. Either way, it sounds like it’ll be that much easier to make the decision and be at peace with it.

I had a couple of stuffies this week I just wasn’t sure about. I thought if they don’t jump out at you as sparking joy, that’s kind of a signal right off the bat that it’s a “no.” But Konmari says go ahead and keep them. She said keep them “with confidence.” I liked that. Keep them as if you have every right to. Like to heck with other people who tell you to make up your mind already. Just keep them as if you have every right to. Treat them wonderfully as if they do spark joy, and you will either love them or realize they have served their purpose and it’s ok to let them go (perhaps they did spark joy previously, so it’s ok, their mission has been completed). So these two stuffies are staying. I figured why not snuggle them and lounge about with them and see if I do feel a little happier with them being around. Just because they don’t rate a 10 on the spark joy scale, if I’m not ready to let them go yet, it’s ok. See, I told you I like her philosophies for the most part. This is why I got her books and am following her method (sort of, aside from my mistakes). She makes the process more enjoyable. I think that can make all the difference. You can get rid of stuff because you feel forced to, and feel dejected and disappointed. Feeling like you’re bad for having items in the first place, and worse that you feel obligated to get rid of items. You still liked. Or you can let stuff go because you realize you don’t love it anymore, and it’s time to move on, and create what is your ideal paradise around you right now. The end result might be the same number of items in your home, or similar improved space and clear pathways and reduced clutter. But the enjoyment of what you keep is her emphasis, and I’m all for it. By evaluating things as to whether they still “spark joy” for you is her theme, and it makes it so much easier to part with things when you realize it’s ok to thank them and let them go. Giving them to my relatives or a thrift shop means they still have a chance at being used and appreciated, so even treating them like living things, I’m allowing them to move on to a better life than being cramped up in my closet or storage. I’m not rejecting them and telling them they’re no good or have failed me. If that’s not therapeutic, I almost don’t know what is.

Stuffy sort - 2 bags down

Made it through two huge stuffy bags so far. I’ll have to look up the exact sizes, because now that they’re sorted out, they fill up 3 regular large bags and change, so it’s difficult to quantify exactly how much will exit our abode. We got the gargantuan sizes so we could pack quickly & stuff it in storage, as there was a LOT to relocate. But they were also very heavy, so how that we’re repacking things to give away, we’re using more manageable bags.

I guess the point is that I haven’t broken down crying because I feel forced to give things away that I treasure and want to keep. I’d say over half will be leaving (maybe up to two-thirds, but I’m trying not to over-estimate). But then begins the tedium. I mentioned we have people we’d like to give to. But you don’t know exactly what they want. And we decided we might also see if we can donate to a Children’s Hospital or something like that. That should give a nice warm fuzzy feeling. No, the tedium is taking things to and from work because I don’t know what that person will like, taking and sending photos of items to relatives out of state, and trying to figure out logistics of getting everything to everyone and then trucking back what they don’t want. That is going to give me a headache. As if decluttering and clearing items out isn’t enough. I’m sure I should take an exact census, even by animal species, for a good story someday, right? We don’t just have aquatic animals, we have blue whales, humpback whales, sea otters, river otters, several specific types of sharks and fish. We have numerous dog breeds, giant and red pandas, flying squirrels . . . a virtual little ark.

Taking a break, but hope to get more bags out to sift through this weekend.

Sorting Stuffies

In my defense, I didn’t have many stuffed animals as a child. I had a few well-worn beat up hand-me-downs from two older sisters, and a couple of “pretty” ones that I wasn’t allowed to play with because they were for display only (per my mother). So I didn’t really appreciate them. Unfortunately as an adult, my best friend dragged me to the dark side. Not going to make excuses here, but suffice it to say we had one full bedroom chocked full of stuffed animals, which is one reason apartment management disapproved of our use of space. This was the primary reason we got a storage unit. There simply wasn’t enough time to go through all the yarn and stuffed animals crammed in that spare bedroom and make any good decisions (I didn’t think chucking it all without looking was a good decision either). I think Kondo would agree here. Many of those things sparked joy for me, and to get rid of them without consideration would be foolish. Not to mention the feeling of resentment and hate at feeling forced to do so. If I go through them now and find many of them don’t spark joy, at least I can part with them willingly and peacefully.

The good news is that most of them are in near-mint condition, and I have a few families lined up as possible recipients. In extended family I have 5 grandnieces/nephews under the age of 5 spread out in 4 families. I also have a recently pregnant coworker who doesn’t even know the gender of her child yet, but said she’d be happy to take some. At least I know they will go to good people who will appreciate them, vs. the impersonality of dropping them off at a thrift store. That should help some, right?

Also think we could donate some to children’s hospitals or fire department if they keep stuffed animals on-hand for children being treated or traumatized (I think some places used to). We can’t use any tax deductions, but perhaps we can get a little bit of a warm fuzzy feeling believing some children out there will appreciate what we’re parting with.

Although this is technically "miscellaneous," I'm afraid some of them might border on sentimental. I can recall where and when we got a lot of these, including vacations and what we used to call "stuffy treks." (sigh) Now to sort. Or at least start.

Not Counting

I realized not long ago that I haven’t been taking “before” pictures. Oh well. I didn’t realize I might want to take photos of things like the inside the the closet. Suffice it to say before November we couldn’t get the hall closet or the bedroom closet to even close. Now we have room to spare and to organize eventually. I also haven’t been dutifully counting all the items leaving. Yesterday and today we did scented candles. I didn’t count how many I kept or got rid of. I can estimate we probably have 70+ left, and got rid of almost half of what we had. By the time my husband started boxing things up, he also taped them, so they couldn’t fall out if something shifted or slipped. We were too tired to count them. I’ve come to the conclusion that if you have that much time and energy to count things at that point, and you’re not already tired or semi-exhausted, you’re not doing it correctly. You’re not working hard enough to evaluate all that junk. The few iffy candles left we have agreed to light or melt in the next days/weeks so we can definitively decide if they need to stay or go (vs. keeping them indefinitely).

Now the sad thing is that even though we can’t think of any more hiding places for the candles, there are a couple that weren’t accounted for, that we really liked. We had two of one scent that smelled like fresh baked bread. The lesson here is that we had troves of candles, weren’t using or enjoying even half of them, and now we can’t even enjoy what we believe was the best one.

If you think this is bad, you should know that for a white elephant gift last Christmas we got rid of two large boxes of candle making supplies and a couple of candle-making books. Yeah. Still doesn’t seem much progress with how many left over. Aside from testing the iffy ones, I half wonder if I need to go back through them in another week or so and see if I can eliminate more. Except that it’s so tiring to do all this. One a good note, last night we had a big pile of iffy candles, and now I think we have less than 10, after another round of sniffing this morning. At least there’s a thrift/donation store less than a mile down the road so it doesn’t matter how many trips we need to make. At least it’s usually not a big ordeal. It’s more work getting things sorted, packed up, and down to the car than going there.

Sparking Joy vs. Lessening Misery

One hard thing I have is this whole “joy” word. It seems a pretty powerful word to use as a standard. The stuff that’s difficult to decide are things I like, or kinda-sorta-nice. After all, there are plenty of items that are necessary that don’t exactly spark joy. They can be appreciated, but not necessarily adored. Tools, like a hammer, wrench, or plunger. Unless you have a strong affinity for tools, I doubt these are most people’s favorites. But they’re good to have on hand, and you don’t simply get rid of them because they don’t majestically uplift your soul when you touch them (ew on the plunger). I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and a couple of therapy lamps that I don’t love. Sometimes they seem to bring and obnoxious, but I know if I don’t use them, I will regret it. By no means do they “spark joy.”

Then there’s the other issue I have with overexposure to a single object. I love photography, but admit if I have the same picture hanging in the same place for too long, I start to zone out and not really see and appreciate it. That’s why I love calendars: they are relatively cheap art that doesn’t take up much space, and can be changed after a while (even if the photo is one I’ve saved from several years ago). So some of these things that I like, I want to cling to because I wonder if I will need to mix things up once in a while to re-kindle any joy or facsimile thereof. I have lots of different colored pens to mix things up too. I can’t see surviving on only blue and black. Sometimes I’m in the mood for purple, sometimes green or gold. But that’s another story.

I keep cups and plates because there isn’t anything wrong with them. I’m not going to chuck them because they don’t “spark joy” for the excuse that I’ll have to go buy new ones that do. Ideally, sure, when they need to be replaced, I could put a little more thought into aesthetic and durability. But for now, some things that are still useable or durable enough don’t have to spark joy in order to serve us well. I can appreciate the plain dinner plates that are thin enough to fit well in the cupboard and not take up as much space as other varieties.

And there’s “stuff” that just falls in between. The extreme winners and losers are easy to decide – don’t want to hang on to, and don’t you dare take that away. But what about the gradations inbetween? What if it strikes a 6 or 7 on your joy scale? It seems comfortably above average, it’s pleasant enough, it certainly hasn’t failed or offended in any way. It’s not a “just in case” but more of a “why get rid of it?” “What’s wrong with it?” kind of thing. I’m sure those are things Kondo would say to get rid of since they aren’t obvious keepers. I appreciate the leniency my husband has given me in hemming and hawing over things like that. Really, things that have been more of a 4 or 5, but subconsciously I probably feel guilty about getting rid of. I don’t know. Maybe it means admitting I was stupid to get it in the first place, or that I’m being too snooty by saying it’s not good enough to overwhelm with joy.

To my credit, coming from parents who are complete hoarders, I’ve made a little bit of progress. Back in November, I’d give my husband the puppy-eyes to keep something iffy, and I could sometimes let it go a couple hours or a couple of days later. I really appreciate how he allowed me to let it go, vs. feeling obligated or guilty. That makes a huge difference to me. I’m not saying I let go of everything, but to me, I noticed quite a few things I did part with that I normally would have put my foot down on, and never looked at again. At least I’d set it aside, keep looking at it off and on, and eventually admit it wasn’t something that needed to stay. I’m not blaming it on my parents, but we tend to follow or at least drift towards what is familiar. My mother currently lives alone in a 5 bedroom house with several other non-bedroom rooms like entry room, living room, family room, library, 3 basement rooms, and it is difficult to get through some of those rooms without knocking things over. Given that’s what I was raised by, I’m trying to improve.

Touchy feely

One thing that might strike people as odd is Marie Kondo’s insistence that joy is only sparked by touching an object. I have no problem with her idea to touch and hold an item before deciding to keep or discard it. Looking at something from a distance may not give you proper perspective or appreciation. But I don’t think that is the only way to asses an item. With my pens, I have to write with them and test them, if I haven’t used them in a while. Simply holding it in my hand is not going to give me any insights. If it’s my scented candles or essential oils, holding a closed container in my hand doesn’t tell me anything – I need to open it and smell it. Some of the clothing I tried on and discovered I really liked something I previously thought was iffy. Or I wanted to try it one to see if or how well it fit. That being said, things that have visual appeal don’t always need to be touched in order to be enjoyed either. I have a glass with dichroic glittery flecks swirled around it sitting on my bedroom shelf. I love it every time I see it. Sure, I can pick it up, roll it around in my hands to appreciate different views of it, but I don’t HAVE to in order for it to spark joy. Simply seeing it across the room is beautiful, and it gives me an inkling of what I should look for in other objects as to whether they make the cut or not.

Yarn Dilemma

One upcoming problem is yarn. I crochet blankets for homeless people and pets, and have routinely been on the constant lookout for sales. But I’d been taking classes consistently for the last six years, so my yarn stash grew faster than normal (whatever normal is). Since I graduated this last year, I’ve already made and donated several blankets. In the initial November clearing, I got rid of 3 large kitchen bags of blankets that I donated to a woman who works with homeless people. Since December I’ve made at least 6 small pet blankets, and I’m working on more. When we don’t want to undertake big sorting on weekday evenings, I’m feverishly using as much yarn as I can, as if that’ll solve everything. My point is that it’s not entirely a “someday” issue. Oh, I’d like to do something with that “someday.” While I don’t keep an active inventory of my yarn, I did get and use nearly 60 skeins of Red Heart worsted yarn during my recent college years. So I’m just saying, it’s not simply sitting there.

So the main problem is storage. It’s not really a “spark joy” issue because I do get yarn I like, and even then, I’m only using it to make something – and then I’m not keeping the end product. I guess the joy is in making things for those who really need it. There are a few skeins of luxuriously soft yarn I want to keep for myself, but I’d say over 80-90% of it is for blanket donations. The sad solution is to use the space saver bags a friend gave me and try to squash the life out of it and tetris it into every nook and crany so I can keep (and use) as much of it as possible. Thus I’ve been trying to crochet like crazy, even though realistically that’s only sparing a few small skeins from this suffocating fate. The only other option is to use those bags for my stuffed animal collection, and that’s even more appalling of an idea. Yes, Marie Kondo, you are right, it’s not worth getting bulk sales if you can’t afford to keep your items. But as much as I spent on it, I’m not going to get rid of or even donate hoards of yarn at this point. Even though I’m not keeping it, I did selfishly buy color and textures I like (or generally tolerate), and I’m not giving that up. We tried getting yarn and yard sales and thrift stores, but it’s generally at risk of icky dust, must, smells, and unknown stickiness that sucks all the joy right out of using it. If I come across some of that while organizing the yarn, I’m happy to donate that back to the thrift store. Unfortunately I’m also disobeying Kondo by focusing on storage, and by imprisoning it in a yucky wrinkled ziplock situation.

If I sort yarn next, with the expectation of keeping most of it and wanting to organize it so I can actually find things, that will be time consuming. I can’t keep the storage unit that long – it’s ridiculously expensive. We only got it because we couldn’t go through everything in a week, and because it was slightly cheaper than getting a bigger dwelling. If yarn sorting isn’t the most time effective to tackle next, the next step will be stuffed animals. We’ll save that saga for another post.

Everything in one closet?

Well, I’ve finished the first Marie Kondo book: The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying up. It’s still very nicely optimistic, but my take-away is that everything has to be in one closet. Not just clothes, but also books, posters, décor, your happy/power spot – put it all in the closet. I find this odd because if all this stuff truly sparks joy, why does one have to hide it in the closet? I was almost surprised she didn’t say to put your kitchen items in the bedroom closet as well. I get that one shouldn’t have things strewn around the house, but I like having pictures on the wall – not the wall inside the closet. I like having some things on shelves because that’s where I can look at, and enjoy them. Yes, I actually have bookcases outside my closet, that would not fit in the closet. I admit they’re not well-purged and organized yet, so hopefully they will eventually be less crowded, but things like movies, books, photo albums, craft supplies, I actually do have on shelves outside the closet, and I didn’t think that was so horrible. I know I have a long way to go, but I cannot see having absolutely everything I own occupy one closet. I mean, do I keep toiletries there too, because I’m probably not allowed to use the bathroom cupboard anymore? Sorry, I can’t envision that yet, and the concept does not have the connotation of joy. I’d have to walk inside my closet just to enjoy anything, and consolidating all those items in one place makes me think even with purging, it may be a bit crowded and overwhelming. I don’t see how it would be wrong to have a few shelves with decorations, knick-knacks, or so on, in the home. The ones that make the cut after purging – the ones that do truly spark joy. Does one keep their home office crammed inside the closet too? (not that I have one, but you get the idea). Do we keep the fine china, mac and cheese, dining room table, and treadmill all in that one closet? No, I don’t own anything but the mac and cheese, and yes, I’m being facetious to prove a point. I know one shouldn’t keep excessive items, but that still seems like things would get cramped very fast and hinder the ability to really appreciate all those items if one can only keep them in the closet. Sorry, having a hard time wrapping my head around this one point. Otherwise, I’m ready to start book two: Spark Joy.

Book sorting

I tried to go through books today. I’ve been thinking about “miscellaneous” items up ahead that have sentimental value, but really shouldn’t. And other items that are miscellaneous that would be so boring to go through, I dread it. But that’s getting ahead. Marie Kondo would have to slap my hand and remind me that if I follow her prescribed order, it will be monumentally easier and faster. But boy, did book-sorting suck. I started off ok. Bringing all books together raises awareness that one probably has too many books, or certainly doesn’t need them all. The sheer bulk is supposed to smack you in the face and make you realize there is probably room to prune, without getting rid of what you really cherish. I have so many books I have not read, or not read all the way through, that look like they would be beneficial, but don’t really “spark joy.” In fact, I struggled definitively getting rid of them even though they sparked the opposite: guilt, sadness, regret. What reasonable person would want to keep such books around, right? Yet so many of them . . . I can’t really prove they wouldn’t benefit me because like an ignorant dork, I bought them with great intentions and then never actually read them. (My friend Rift is probably jaw-gaping, shaking her head in disbelief, at such sacrilege). I have to admit that’s at least a sliver of my indecisiveness. I was raised to think of books as things not just to be read, but savored, treasured, and kept forever and ever. Growing up, my older sister had a “library” of books in her room because of her avid fascination and joy of reading. So even if I can donate these items (vs. discarding them to permanent ruin), even donating them – the act of relinquishing them – seems horribly irreverent and inexcusable. So I started off with my love pile, the get rid of (because they’re available online) pile, and then the “obligation to reconsider” pile. And after a few books, I even felt guilty putting them in the middle pile, and I realized I was putting “ok” and “not bad” books in the pile supposedly reserved for “spark joy.” What’s wrong with me? I can’t even clearly delineate 3 piles, even if most items wound up in the guilt/obligation pile? That does bring me to my fears about this whole cleaning/purging project. With some of the items I haven’t even sorted yet, I’m afraid I’ll either love everything or nothing. Either I’ll still have so much “stuff” I refuse to get rid of, the end result will not be liveable, or I’ll be so brutally honest about true “joy” sparking items that I’ll have nothing left, but still feel empty and a craving to fill that void with more useless stuff. You see, years ago, I realized that when I attempted to clear out my desk to be more stark and impersonal, I couldn’t stand it for long, and I’d just drag new or different stuff into my space. I would then feel a bit more content until people gave me a hard time about it. But I really could hardly stand it when it was so bleak and empty either. One day I went to the dollar store on my lunch to alleviate the discomfort and realized how futile it was. So I stopped resisting and gave up. I figured maybe that was just how I was, and it was stupid trying to change it. Kondo isn’t trying to change who we are, which is what I appreciate about her ideas. She says keep what you love – don’t force yourself or try to get rid of it. I’m also not sure of the effect of being in an off/foul mood before attempting to sort stuff. I mean, if you feel crappy, how much harder do items have to work in order to “spark joy” for you? If you’re in an upbeat, chipper mood, you might find joy more easily, and even more genuinely. I’m sure that’s one more reason to justify clinging to the “maybe” pile. Last fall when we attempted to get rid of some items in record time, (pre Kondo) I appreciated my spouse allowing me to have the maybe pile. In many cases, I relented and released the item by the end of the day or end of the week. But I was still allowed to arrive on that decision on my own, without feeling so badly about it – feeling forced into getting rid of something I wasn’t ready to. I realize that’s still dragging one’s feet and slowing down the process, but you can have regret and resentment in getting rid of stuff too quickly too. That’s what I’m striving to avoid. I left the piles of books for the night. I’ll try to re-read Kondo’s section on book-sorting again and see if that helps rekindle enthusiasm and clarity.

Cleaning Out

By way of Introduction: I have recently admitted I have a “stuff”/possession addiction, and am trying to reduce and find a better balance. I listened to hours of youtube videos by various people; not just Marie Kondo. But I also happened across her audiobook and listened to the first 2 hours (probably without them realizing it was public and free, as it has since been removed) and realized that I would indeed like to at least attempt to follow along with this expert’s advice. Well, mostly kind of. I found her first book cheerful, uplifting and inspiring – what I really need right now. I would much rather WANT to get rid of stuff instead of feeling like I am being force to by my apartment management (with no substantiating reason in my lease). I am sure I will still be belligerent and argue and break rules, but for now, this is my challenge, and the method I am attempting to use. And anything else I find inspiring or motivating. But to be clear, I am not doing Konmari because it’s fashionable, popular, or everyone else is doing it. I am undertaking this purge regardless, but I hope her books, videos, stories and ideas make it more tolerable.