24 Days Until Surgery

24 days until major surgery. Anxiety is beginning to peak, even though I know it’s the correct course of action. It's the whole thing where it’s “starting to get real.” I submitted paperwork to take time off work, and watched a couple youtube videos, trying to have the mindset that they’re not 100% accurate. Still good to attempt to be informed or prepared, or know what questions to ask in my pre-op appointment.

I’ve been losing pretty slowly lately, or minimal up and down more than I’d like. After surgery will not be a fun time to try to be too active, though walking is usually good for everything. I am still waiting for an appointment with a semi-specialist to discuss the swelling in my leg, which is now over 11 cm larger in circumference than then other leg. They said anything over 3 cm is of great concern. Well duh, that’s why I tried to tell the previous ones. Anyway, my knee is finally enlarged and gets hot and painful when walking, so that’s not fun when post-op instructions are to walk as much as possible. I could schedule an appointment with my rheumatologist, but thought I’d start with this semi-specialist sports medicine doctor first. Besides the rheumatologist is usually booked out 6 months.

Meanwhile it’s fun trying to explain to my spouse why I may not be in the best frame of mind to watch surgery shows. Maybe some people wouldn’t care, and that’s great for them. We recently watched an episode of Gray’s Anatomy where they said how sick and disgusting it was that a person had let themselves go for so long. While technically referring to the medical condition, the same is likely all to apt for comments about overweight patients as well. I think they figure why help someone who obviously doesn’t care about their own health, and they must not care at all about their health if they’re overweight. Funny how I wonder if they say the same thing for people who drink too much or take drugs. Probably, yet I kind of think it’s more visually obvious of those who are overweight, and thus the overwhelming attitude is who cares about doing one’s best to help that kind of person. Yeah, I know it’s true, and maybe what I need to hear for more motivation, but it’s not the most fun thing to hear either.

Listened to a meditation the other day that theorized people are motivated by one of the following things: fear/avoidance, wanting something, duty, or love. The first two are negative ways to be motivated, the latter two are more positive. I’m not entirely sure how to be motivated to lose weight out of duty. Not saying this motivation theory is wrong; just not sure what to make of it.

So Long Salt, My Savory Friend

Slowly all my vices seem to be taken away from me. I know most of them aren’t too healthy, but it’s still difficult. I haven’t had Cheetos in over 4 months. Butter, less than that, but so long ago I can’t even recall the last time I had it. And so on. The last vice I thought I could keep was salt.

Yes, I know most people aren’t supposed to have a lot either, but that was my last pleasant treat. Had discussed with my PCP (primary care provider) years ago and he agreed if it was table salt and not processed hidden salt, and it helped me avoid other temptations, it was fine. At the time, anyway. I don’t use any old salt. I have a plethoric array of seasoned sea salts, which in theory are better because they’re stronger, so hopefully one uses less. I had a WW leader who swore on anything that table salt would not kill you. I very much wanted to take that to the proverbial bank.

I know there are other spices out there, and I do use them. Maybe I don’t know the magic combinations that make the combined sum delectably superior to the individual parts. But to say I need to cut out salt, that’s worse to me than giving up meats and even chocolate. Sure, I still like chocolate. But ask me how long I could live without one or the other, and I’d clutch my smoked truffle salt stash and send you on your way with your Cadbury/Hershey/whatever creamy goodness.

I love plain potatoes with seasoning (no high fat diary toppings like cheese and sour cream), but you guessed my favorite seasoning. Each day I could use a different deluxe flavored salt and enjoy a new adventure. Curry potatoes is ok but . . . Sure garlic, onion, red pepper, chives are all fine but . . . I wish I could find something I enjoyed as much. I really like the smoky (salt) flavorings. Chipotle isn’t bad, Siracha is ok in small doses . . . I am disappointed and in withdrawal while I look for that next best elixir. A local spice vendor had some seasoning mixes, and I purchased a sampler pack since I didn’t want to spend all day tasting and re-tasting dry without any food context. So far nothing bad but nothing great. They say it’s the journal and not the destination, but so far I’m not in love with this salt-free journey. I want to get to the end or at least a milestone where I find my next favorite flavoring that make me melt on contact.

Curse of the T-Rex Arms

Third exercise regret in 8 days culminating last Sunday. My co-worker diagnosed me with T-Rex Arms. The last two, I tried new exercise videos on youtube that didn’t seem that bad while doing them. They caught up with me later. My own fault on the last one. Suffice it to say, when you’ve done arm exercises without weights for so long and you decide to spice it up by using a little 1.5 pound weight, you shouldn’t start out with 60 reps just to show how long you can do it before getting tired. 30 probably would have been plenty. Maybe 20 each of several different arm exercises I’ve been doing. A little here and there, and it still adds up, right?

It’s surprising how much you use those arm and shoulder muscles throughout the day when you don’t realize it. Mainly hurt on one side, but that was enough. Took all week to be able to move freely again. Thus my aversion to soreness and going to quickly. It doesn’t pay off if you do so much that it hurts to move the rest of the week. Granted, I did find some fun seated Tai Chi things.

When Doctors Seem Clueless

I dislike how easy is to see only the negative reasons to lose weight. Maybe that’s more motivating? Still, it would be nice to have more positive motivation, more positivity in one’s life on the whole. Probably not realistic. What I see is that no doctor or health care provider will ever take you seriously or even want to treat you when you’re overweight. In the last few weeks I’ve been given the diagnosis of edema, baker’s cyst, water retention, and “nothing’s wrong with you, your body is shaped weird” for pain in my leg and swelling in my leg and knee. One doctor wanted an MRI without even looking at it. Hmm. In other words, any remedy such as rest, ice, or massage might help or make it worse. Resting and staying off it could help it heal, or make it worse, since I’ve been staying off my foot for months now, with the plantar fasciitis issue. We were finally building back up over 3000 steps in a day. Even doing that in small chunks hurt my foot, let alone all at once. So first we had a nice serving of guilt that this is all my fault because I haven’t been active enough. And bottom line, it appears I have to figure things out for myself because urgent care places only want to make sure you’re not dying, and regular doctors don’t have openings for 2-4 months to see you in the first place. They ruled out blood clot, which is nice, but otherwise, I’m on my own. Sure, I could get an MRI, but places are asking for payment up front these days, and depending on the time used, those can run a few thousand dollars. In addition, I have an MRI coming up for my cancer watch thing, so I kind of cringe having two of them, when I certainly wonder if it’s needed for my knee, when, as mentioned, the doctor wouldn’t even look at it. Telehealth is wonderful to get a quick appointment, but I’m not sure all situations are best treated that way. Of course, I’m not the expert. I’m only at their mercy, and I can tell you most of them hate treating overweight patients, because we bring all this on ourselves, even if we’re eating to that we no longer like food and still can’t lose much weight. Three months and I still haven’t gotten to the 10% mini milestone that is supposed to be worth noting.

The Great Fitness Tracker Debate

Ah, the fitness tracker conundrum. To get one, or be completely intrinsically motivated by the pure joy of activity. Yeah, right. I tend to not get the expensive stuff, but I definitely see how it can be motivating to track and improve, especially when perception can be subjective and change with time. Trackers can be more quantitative, and occasionally even qualitative. Why do I hem and haw? If I’m going to buy something that in my book is “expensive” (more than $10 for a crappy pedometer) I want it to be somewhat of an investment. I know nothing lasts forever, but I’d like it to no be a waste of money. Years ago, after a ridiculous amount of consideration, I purchased a Fitbit as such an investment. Loved using is and seeing all the activity I got in during the time I would normally not wear a pedometer (wrist vs. attaching to other wardrobe items). It gave silly little rewards for accomplishments, one could challenge friends who had Fitbits, and I enjoyed it until it died a year later. Barely outside the warrantee, I was disappointed and not about to buy another one if they only last a year. They did send me a replacement, which didn't work at all. Sure, it might not last 10 years, but come on. I don’t have that much money to throw away for $100+ every year. Lately I wondered if I could benefit from a less expensive tracker, so I went googling. I found a discontinued, but new Fitbit (vs. used) at a reasonable price, which opened the door of comparison of all the others. Sure, this model is $40 more, but is it worth that $40? Then the next model up is only $30 more above that . . .

See, the other problem was reviews for all the cheaper ones really suck. Sure, you shouldn’t expect the world out of a $50 tracker, but when 20% of the reviews are 1 star, and the total average is 3 star, it seems like what’s the point? Maybe it is better to pay $80 for a 4+ star if I get the warrantee. Yes, warrantees are stupid and one should not need to get them, but if it’s going to guarantee I can use it for 2-3 years instead of one, I’ll buy the dang thing. Average cost per year would still be less if it means I can use it that long. Again, the Fitbit was great while it lasted.

No, I don't want a smartwatch or the bulkier versions.

Mantra

Think I stumbled upon a new personal mantra. Its not exactly encouraging, but oh well. “This is the plan, this is what we’re doing, this is not optional.” Yeah. Like how you of bed every morning, and go to work because you simply have to. Even if you hate or your job, or you don’t like it or feel like it saps every ounce of energy you can muster. You have to pay bills so it’s simply not a question. So I thought, ok, maybe if I keep doing this healthier eating and exercise, whether I feel like it or not . . . maybe that’s the secret to keep going. You don’t have to like it. You just have to do it.

Ho Hum

Still plugging along. Not very enthusiastically, but still going. A bit bored of the fruits and vegetables I’m willing to eat. Tried a few beans; figured out I’m not really a bean person. If they’re buried in something like chili, I can stand a few, but not enthusiastically. Finally tried roasted soy beans (soy nuts) and chick peas. They’re ok, but nothing I would have gone out of my way to eat previously. If they still have the good fiber and protein, this might be one way I can tolerate them.

I’m not a recipe type of person. I tend to want food that’s ready to go with very little preparation. While there’s nothing bad about whole foods just as they are, maybe that makes them a little less exciting? I mean, even apple slices with peanut butter takes time I’m not always willing to spend. Thus I just eat apples, which is fine. Anything that’s super fun also seems super expensive. I love berries, but they’re pricey. Frozen are cheaper, again, which is fine. Blueberries are the cheapest where I live. I’m not super bored of them yet, but still, you see the point if one of my main fruits is frozen blueberries. I do potatoes with spices, but there are only so many spice variations you can dump on them. Steamed broccoli and mushrooms are fine, but again, no longer mixing them in pasta dishes (because I can’t stand whole grain pasta) and not sprinkling cheese on them, it’s like yay, spices and olive oil if they need moisture. Flavor infused olive oils are more expensive (sigh). Do you see the pattern? Thus my initial quandary with tofu – uhm, what do I do with it? Squeeze the water out, put more water and seasoning in, gah, I don’t want to spend that much time on it. I'd eat it right out of the container if it wasn't bland. Anyone out there sell tofu that's been seasoned and baked into something that tastes like immitation cheetos or such?

Exercise is fine too, but I’m still not feeling super motivated or those happy endorphins you’re supposed to get. Thankfully youtube has lots of videos to search, since I’m still off my feet and was told to not even try chair walking because it could put too much tension on my calves, which would in turn stress tendonts into the foot. The videos I do like, I don’t want to watch too much because then they get irritatingly repetitive. But I save the links and bookmark them and make notes when to start watching if they have a 2-3 min intro where they simply yap about themselves and their workouts. So far it's slightly more motivating to stick with a whole video than to try to do a series of exercises on my own, taking frequent breaks and losing track of how much I've done and probably not doing nearly as much as I should. Yay for youtube.

Tofu is Our Friend

Friend of mine corrected me on tofu care, and I've already bought more to try again. At least the taste and texture was tolerable for me. Also need to try soy nuts.

On another funny note, apparently throwing a fit does burn calories. That is, the scale budged shortly after that post. Still, I have noted to never tell anyone in real life. I made the mistake of telling a co-worker, and they minimized my efforts even after I told them how hard I'd been working. They chalked it up to stress and said it must have fallen off without any effort. Uhm, excuse me, no. I have been eating better (whether I feel like it or not), exercising and going to bed hungry because I'm afraid I don't deserve to ingest anything else. I know I haven't made much progress, but I have been working at it. I ordered pants 2 sizes smaller and although they're snug, they pretty much fit. I realize that's a drop in the bucket. I guess I should have realized not to trust anyone in real life with anything personal too. Public Service Announcement: if someone in your life tells you they've worked really hard at something (anything) don't be a dork and tell them it's nothing. Be encouraging. Even if you aren't convinced they have. Don't insult them and tell them you know what their life is like when you have no clue. Ok? Thanks.

All Day Shoes

I love my shoes. To a point. When I get home, I want to take them off at the door. #1: germs. #2, my feet get tired of them. Don’t get me wrong – my Hoka Clifton 9s are the most comfy shoe I’ve ever had (thanks for the recommendation, Shanna!). It’s like walking on small but stable bouncey balls kids sit on. Instead of step, step, clod, clod, it’s Boing! Boing! But I have to lace any shoe up pretty right or my heels slide out. Especially with the new fasciitis inserts I got. Yes, I’ve tried the little pads you can glue to the inside of the heel. Don’t ask. Even after only 8-11 hours of wearing them, the laces are so tight, I have permanent welts/sores on my feet from where the knot ties, below the ankle. But after meeting with a valid podiatrist (and after several months of pain) I’m going to follow the recommendation to wear shoes everywhere. The good news is they aren’t pushing a night splint yet. Those look like medieval torture. I like to fidget my feet all the time anyway, especially at night. Observing me, you’d think I have restless leg syndrome (I don’t, I’ve asked). If you put me in one of those, I swear I wouldn’t be able to sleep and would be exhausted and probably crazy by morning. So indoor shoes it is! Also more icing, anti-inflammatories, stretches, and pain gel. But the constant shoes thing is the biggest adjustment. Four weeks until my follow-up appointment. Here we go.

Waiting for (Weight Loss) Results

I’ve pretty drastically changed my diet (food intake) over the last couple of months and upped my activity. I can’t help be disappointed how slowly the scale is moving. After all, I’m doing physical therapy and all the exercises would be easier if I had less weight to lug around. Plus some of the exercises are causing pain on my joints, so even if I went in for my foot, my knees are protesting, and duh, the best way you can help that is to lose weight. I’m trying!

Not sure how much activity I used to do, but doing 10 minutes moderate activity was pushing it when I started out last summer(ish). I’m up to 30 now, or minimum 25 minutes cardio-ish and weights and PT exercises in addition. I went from eating Idk, maybe 5 fruits and veggies a week to 6-10 every day, and that usually fills a person up to eat less of everything else. Nixed most meat and only have cheese maybe once a week. Before that, I was contemplating if I could even get through a day without dairy, as I’m a pretty good addict, and cheese is essentially kryptonite. Went from high sugar desserts most evenings to dessert being a bowl of light popcorn or berries. Come on. How is this not helping? No, my clothing is not significantly loser, thanks for rubbing it in. What gives? P.S. I’m still waiting for this supposed improved feeling of wellbeing that’s supposed to follow either eating better or increased activity (let alone both). How long does it take for that to kick in?

Meanwhile, I’ve been icing my foot at least 3 times a day and gulping down ibuprofen as instructed, despite the fact that neither help for pain. I had a follow-up appointment at the orthopedic place and he chastised me for easing up on that. I only stopped since it’s been months, and the last person said not to worry about it and only do PT. Whatever. He said injections won’t help, it’ll probably tear or require surgery. Finally got a referral for a podiatrist, (from when I asked my PCP last October/November) so I went ahead and scheduled that for a second opinion. I only have a couple more PT appointments, so not sure what else to do except continue those exercises at home. With my heavy self, it’s nearly impossible to do those on one leg, let alone 3 sets of 15. Guess I have something to shoot for.

Tofu Review

Mixed feelings about tofu, but overall, I think I’ll pass. I think I could get used to the taste and texture. It’s the maintenance that bugs me. Once opened, it supposedly only lasts 2-3 days in the fridge. So you’d better have big plans to use it fast. The package we got was supposedly 3 servings, but I would have split it in 4 or 6, so that’s a lot to use in a couple of days. Then if you don’t use it all immediately, you’re supposed to drain and refill it with water every 24 hours. Seriously? That’s exactly what I’d like to do – daily maintenance on food I’m not ready to eat yet. Idk, this idea is weird to me, and I don’t mean in the good way. Maybe soy nuts would be good alternative? Haven’t tasted them yet. No one sells them where I live. Sure, I can order a few pounds from Amazon.com, but I thought it would be nice to test them out first before getting a bulk bag. I can buy some dried beans, soak and roast them myself, but come on. Just to try a taste. Eesh.

Trying Tofu

Tried tofu today. Not quite the first time, but rarely had it before. Don’t recall being impressed. Didn’t think I was missing anything, but the book I’m reading has a whole subsection devoted to how wonderful soy is, and its protective properties agains the cancer I’m attempting to avoid. Said it was nature’s version of the chemo prevention they want me to take. It was edible, but I should have marinated it in something different. We picked the only marinade we had in the pantry, and thought it might work with stir-fry. I think I should simply get a jar of mined garlic and let it soak in that next time. That or liquid smoke or something. Looked up ways to cook it next time. I’m not a fan of soy milk (glack), frozen is probably mushy, and not sure where to buy soybeans fresh, so tofu seemed like worth a shot. Had no idea what to buy, so we got extra firm. Sure seemed soft and squishy, but what do I know. Maybe soy nuts? If those were flavored, that certainly has potential. I know salt is generally bad, but I enjoy smoked salt and seasoned sea salts, so I could probably wash them down that way. I need to try nutritional yeast too. Who knows, maybe that would be a magic combination. Will have to check out the bulk section some time.

Fun Fitness Equipment, Fasciitis Still Flaring

Got some basic mini-loop exercise bands so I can do physical therapy exercises at home. I could do other exercises too, so they seemed like a decent investment. This was not for New Year Resolutions, as I’ve been thinking about exercise bands for a while now. But what type? What resistance level and what brand? Thought I’d start with the type they have for therapy and go from there. At least it’s something. There are a couple other fun items from PT that seem fun but I’m not sure I’d use them long term or not. Balance boards are not awfully expensive. Balance pads are more tempting (used differently) but much more pricey. While I was browsing I stumbled upon these things called balance pods, which simply look fun. If nothing else, they have a spiky texture one could probably use for self massage, or play with your feet under a desk. But I digress.

Now the issue is as much as I’m doing PT, I’m not really improving pain-wise. It’s less painful than when I started, but not much less than after the first couple of sessions. We’re doing good exercises, even though I kind of roll my eyes at the idea you’re not supposed to try them at home (thus maximizing the number of visits they can bill). Today I did minimal walking (the bare minimum to function at work) and I have throbbing pain after I’ve sat down. Probably less than 2000 steps. That doesn’t seem like great progress. Am I that old that my body isn’t responding properly? One can get injections of PT doesn’t work, but I used to think injections were more for people with injuries or worn down cartilage or such. You can’t undo some injuries or replace cartilage, that kind of thing. But just to cure a nagging pain in my heel, that would suck. Maybe not the end of the world, but I feel like more of a wimp than I would like.