Wimpy Weights?

I never lifted very heavy weights, but in my youth I had no problem with my little set of 5, 8, and 10 pounders. Might even have a 12 around here somewhere. But really not that heavy for hand weights, right? Long stupid story, couple years ago I developed tennis elbow in my left non-dominant hand from strength exercises, and it still plagues me. While I’ve increased reps with 5-8 pounds on my right side, the left I can’t get past 5 pounds and 5 reps of anything without delayed pain and burning. If I use the tension strap, I can get past that, but I used it so much the Velcro is almost worn out. At a certain point it seems redic if I can’t do anything without using the darned strap. I’ve mentioned this annoyance in passing to my providers (not the main point of the visit) and they always tell me to do less and less. Work your way up to 2 pounds. Don’t use weights at all. Uhm, excuse me? I’m doing this sculpted arm video the Health Coach gave me, and while it does get my heart-rate up, I cannot fathom how it would ever promote building muscle or “sculpting.” But maybe, just maybe, if one added some reasonably small weights . . . I don’t think I’d want to start off with my 5 pounders, which are the smallest I have. But 2, 3, 4, whatever, which previously seemed so ridiculously wimpy. Thought maybe if one used them during walking videos (did I mention I can’t walk outside like a normal person?) and such, maybe they could earn their place. Yes, know one can use a can or bottle of water. Whatever one has lying around. I think I’d prefer the sock full of pennies or some denser weight. And what happens if I drop the can or bottle and it explodes all over the place? I tried a can of noodle soup here, and it’s so large it’s unwieldy. I’m not saying I need to look sleek and stylish, but there’s a point the size or form doesn’t work well.

So Sore

Did I mention getting old sucks? Gone are the days I could try to do something moderate and not regret it. I have to admit not everything is sore, but boy, it’s a lot more than I would have predicted. And as I said, I’m not good with pain, even if it’s reasonable soreness. It makes me not want to move to accentuate the discomfort. All I’m doing is trying these beginner non-standing exercises, and when I’m tired and the person keeps going, I take a little break to recover until I feel ready again. I seriously don’t feel I’m over-doing anything. So to feel this much after-soreness seems surprising. If I’m already this sore, doing this little, it does not feel encouraging, as it may only get worse. But I’m trying to hang in there and not take a day off, as I’m pretty sure that’ll only prolong things as well. All I can do it hope that my ability eventually catches up for a tiny bit before I need to push myself farther and go back to being more sore again.

Evil Stretches?

It took until Friday for the back pain to subside enough for me to gingerly attempt any more new exercises. Pretty sad. I have some tiny simple leg and arm ones I can do, that I have done, off and on, but nothing else adventurous. Friday I finally re-wound the stretches for elderly video that was recommended, and I believe I found the culprit. Luckily I barely did anything, because I was so scared and tentative. The neck stretches made my spine pop and seemed supect, and caused notable discomfort in the same areas of my back as before, within a couple of hours, so I think we have a winner. The silliness is stretches are supposed to be good for you. Generally the least dangerous thing one can supposedly do. I guess the verdict is that I am so feeble and decrepit I can somehow cause pretty massive pain by simply stretching. I do have other back-specific stretches I’ve tried with success. The Health Coach was swift and adamant to tell me how dangerous that is. Yes, anyone can post anything online. I only did ones recommended by supposed doctors and physical therapists, but I admit I didn’t do background checks on them first. I also tried them slowly and skeptically, but they did help. The point is what little I had in my arsenal, I was scolded for using. Then I try the stuff they recommend and end up on muscle relaxants for a couple of days. Hmmm, ok. I have gone back to undertaking no more than one new exercise per day. I also started tediously detailed notes about everything. How long it took for pain to set in, how much it worsened, how much medicine I took without relief. My spouse suspects perhaps it was a pinched nerve. Who knows. I'm not going anywhere near that type of movement again for a very long while. If nothing else, it did allow me to re-evaluate my perspective. Previously I said everything seemed to hurt. Oh how wrong I was.

New Adventures in Pain

Got some beginner exercises from the health coach. Kinda cool that everything is seated. Unfortunately I forgot the suggestion that I only try only one at a time. The idea that if anything hurts, you can easily identify what it was. I didn’t realize some things might not hurt until hours later. Not the sore - I over did a good thing hurt. Like, this exercise is not meant for my current body and is evil kind of hurt.

It’s not like I tried all of them. The leg and ankle ones were a piece of cake. I tried a couple neck stretches that seemed ok, but I got impatient and wanted to do some strength training. I tried a couple for abs, mainly to see if I could follow the instructions and had a chair that would work (I do not). Then I did one 15 minute arm workout and discovered out how easily one can get an aerobic/cardio workout without using legs or feet.

About three hours later I started to feel a little sore, and thought, wow, that was fast (usually it’s the next day). Four hours later my spine felt like it was on fire. Otc pills didn’t help, so I ended up raiding the medicine cabinet for a previously prescribed muscle relaxant so I could get some sleep.

Yep, I'm not healthy and invincible anymore. I seriously did not think I overdid it that badly. I thought maybe my arms would be a little tender from the length of use, but they're fine. I'm thinking it had to be the ab ones, since that's parallel to the back. Hurt from my skull down to my hips. The two gentle neck stretches should not have done that much damage.

So I'm backing down from turtle-pace to snail pace. Maybe start again tomorrow, or whenever I feel sufficiently recovered. I piddly type of exercise per day. Even then, I'm still scared to try the ones from yesterday. Maybe 1 rep and wait? Oye.

Collecting Resources

I found a few interesting resources through work. I was encouraged to talk to the insurance’s Care Coordinator, who referred me to a Health Coach and Dietician. Definition of Care Coordinator: person hired to get after people who have chronic conditions that cost the company more money than they would like. While I do have chronic issues, I don’t think I cost them too much money. I mainly have some prescriptions, dental visits, and annual wellness crud. At any rate, the CC hooked me up with a health coach and dietician. The Health Coach said they would suggest some exercises (which I am welcome to reject) and a plan to progress. The Dietician, but they want to talk for an hour during the workday. My department policy is to give at least two weeks notice for any appointments, even f there are plenty of people still working and you make up the time. So that will have to wait. Interesting possible resources lined up that I don’t have to pay for.

All or Nothing Teaching

I have issues with all-or-nothing-thinking. But let’s acknowledge everyone learngs things from somewhere. Maybe some of us are especially good at picking up negative habits. But it’s still usually influenced from somewhere. Today I’d like to acknowledge all the dorks who helped me have a crappy attitude.

The doctor who told me you HAVE to exercise at least 25-30 minutes or else there’s no point. Thank you so much for that professional view that haunts me even when I disagree with you for years. So if you have a couple 15 minute breaks, or can only talk a walk for part of your lunch, don’t bother, because it’s absolutely useless and doesn’t do anything. I realize what you meant was it won’t burn enough calories to get past sugar and start burning fat. But this really wasn’t helpful advice. Every time I try to do a little here or there, or baby steps, I imagine you mocking me.

The provider at the orthopaedic place who told me I should never, ever go hiking again. No uneven surfaces whatsover. Thank you. What little I thought I could look forward to and enjoy if I ever got back into shape, has been dashed to pieces. In my youth I used to exercise thinking of how I was training and preparing to go on beaufiful hikes. I'd push the incline because I knew it would not only burn calories and get my heart rate up, but it would help me do something I could look forward to. To tell me it’ll ruin my knees if I ever walk on uneven ground is basically telling me not to bother being healthy at all. If I can’t do anything fun whether I’m out of shape or healthy, there’s no point working for the latter.

The nurse that told me to not worry about walking or aerobic activity and focus on weights; uhm, that wasn’t necessarily helpful either. I get that you were trying to say focus on weights more, but you just told me to ditch the walks I was doing three times a day at work and veg and look at my phone. Could you please work on your phrasing? I already blow things out of proportion. Don’t tell me not to worry about walking, because what my brain hears is “don’t bother walking.”

The specialist who said don’t bother strength training. Yes, I am big enough that flapping my arms around might do something, but really? You’re going to tell me to ditch the 8 pound weights and dio nothing? I get that most of your patients are old and frail, so maybe you think we’re all going to snap like a twig. But you’re basically telling me to give up and stop what little progress I’ve made. Do you teach a course in “Giving up and waiting to die” too? You talked to me like a three-year-old telling me that even two-pound weights are sooooo heavy.

Now I've been told don't walk, do weights, and don't do weights, they're heavy. Don't hike, don't go outside (yet a different health issue). No wonder I've started down the slope of "if it hurts, bag it." Thanks for all your unhealthy advice. Please stop. It's as bad as the nurse who told me no dietary changes would help my cholesterol unless I cut out all fat (did you know even some plants contain fat?) and would not allow me to leave without taking a prescription she promised would ruin my liver and possibly my kidneys. You know what? I took some natural supplements and lowered my total 20 points in 6 months. So go bite me. You weren't helpful either.

Getting Old Sucks

Getting old sucks. Stinks. Whatever unpleasant or colorful verb or adjective you’d like to insert here. I think when you’re a teenager, you have a degree of believing you’re invincible (at least in my society). You think you know better than parents, teachers, or other adults. You think you can conquer the world, and that you’re capable of anything. It can also creep into belief about your physical prowess, and believing nothing really bad or catastrophic will happen to you. Other people, sure, but not you. I thought I grew out of this by my 30’s, but I can see a shred of it was still left in me until later. Lose muscle mass after 40? Oh, that only happens to other people who aren’t active and let themselves go. Sure, the society as a whole works boring desk jobs and is tired or that or taking care of family by that time, so it makes sense that everyone thinks it’s inevitable. But not me, right? If I keep up the same routine of being active? Surely that won’t happen to me, right?

Yeah, reality checks stink too sometimes. Now that I’m well . . . a lot past 40, and to the point that I’m getting applicatios for old-people things (in my country, AARP, Medicare), I’m trying to check in with reality. Thankfully I haven’t had any drastic health issues, but here and there, little nastiness that I feel entitled to feel a little miffed at (resentful? Entitled to gripe or have a mini pity party?)

This is an attempt to think through things and get myself on a better path. Probably in itty, bitty baby steps, because I’m a big ol’ weenie. At least I know it. In my younger years, I took great care warming up and cooling down, because I did not want soreness and pain to be an excuse not to exercise. It did help. I new how to listen to my body and what I could reasonably accomplish. Not so sure about now. Let’s just say that I hurt a lot more than I reasonably should. If I want to change that, I’ve got to figure out a plan. I’ve got to work past those pity parties about why this or that is so hard or unfair and figure out a solution, even if it’s baby steps. Who better to give myself advice than me?

I certainly never wanted to go to those revered personal trainers I heard about that pushed people so hard they vomited after most sessions. Uhm, unless bulimia was the planned fringe benefit to help lose weight? No, not for me. I’m more of the slower than a turtle-sloth lifestyle sustainable changes, and even then, I’ve failed at multiple programs designed around that.

Sadly I admit I’ve started down that nasty path of if it hurts, fine, I don’t wanna do that, or I do less and less. That forecasts me being the little old lady who refuses to do physical therapy after a fall and never gets out of bed the rest of her life. I think I’d rather be that weird old lady who makes (very slow) laps around the assisted living or nursing center even if it takes her 3 hours to cover a couple of miles. Good socializing that way, right?

I’m a horrible introvert and diagnosed depression, so I know social connections are important. So is exercise. I no longer have goals of getting down to this weight or into that size. But when you feel cruddy all the time because you’re old and things hurt and you stay in and don’t go anywhere . . . You see this can get into a nasty downward spiral. I guess I'll attempt blogging about this in an effort to shake off this funk.

Winter Solstice

Today is officially the darkest day of the year, where I live. That gives something to look forward to, it getting brighter and lighter. Today wasn’t too bad, all things considered. It was only partly cloudy, and the sun came out in late afternoon, so I could enjoy it a little. When it’s dark cloudy or rainy, it would take until about 9 am for the sun to come up over one building, and it would seem to “set” behind the other building by 3:30pm. Still, I’ve noticed being a bit more sluggish this past week especially. I tried to redeem one of my yearly free counseling visits through work, and ask them for ideas more successfully coping with reduced sunlight. But the provider refused to work with me since I did not have at least 5 hours of neuro-psych testing to prove what is wrong with me. Great. My insurance won't pay for that unless I have documented proof there is something substantilly wrong with me in the first place. Like, that traditional treatment isn't working, so you need testing to figure out what the heck . . . It's expensive, and they don't pay for everyone to have it done for fun. They don't even pay for everyone who has autism or learning disabilities or mental illness. You've gotta be in worse shape than that. So I’m back to reading my 700 page book and others. Guess healthcare is more self-serve these days. Figure out what’s wrong and fix it yourself.

An acquaintance jokingly commented maybe it’s the adult version of being afraid of the dark. Did I already mention we’re not allowed to plug in things at our desk unless they are usb powered? That’s been a fun challenge. And yes, people sneak around, but eventually the maintenance people come around and start giving orders . . . Last year they chewed me out for having a small SAD LED light at my desk that was previously approved by HR and a doctor’s note. But they were adamant I remove it immediately.

I think that’s why the idea of hygge appeals to me. That’s the first one I heard about, anyway. I ‘ve heard other countries and cultures have their equivalent. Lagom, maybe? Making things cozy and happy lighting in the otherwise dark bleak winter months. I still haven’t mastered that yet. I have some extra holiday-ish lights in my bedroom year-round, and the overhead light on a dimmer switch. I already love salt lamps, and have heard they are good for this. Yet I can’t put my finger on why the work holiday setup in the hall bugs me. It seems like they’re going for the same effect, but it seems dreary to me. They turned off all the hall and overhead lighting and only left the tree and holiday lights. If this were outdoors, it would make sense. But there is so much dead space between the decorations and lights, it looks more bleak and tired to me. When the lights were on last week, the whole setup looked very festive and bright. Now I’d be afraid to trip over something, especially if my eyes haven’t adjusted enough yet. Maybe that kind of low lighting works in a restaurant or bar after work, but when you’re trying to work; I don’t know; it was odd.

Anyway, if anyone knows of online hygge classes, or ambient lighting, sign me up.

Scaling back

I stopped posting here a while ago even though I drafted some entries. It was pointed out to me that no one needs to see my self-centered drama. It would probably be better to focus on what good I could do vs. wah wah wah.

Suffice it to say, stuff happens, both good and bad. It would be more beneficial to focus on the good, and not take the perceived bad too seriously. No one makes it out of here alive, so why make more self-inflicted suffering than needed? Also time to reflect on things that add positive or negative energy, and how to maximize the positive and minimize the less helpful. This could be anything from home decorations, to who you include in your life. I need to be more choosey about the energy suckers in my sphere and minimizing those drafts.

Exiled to Outer Permanent Darkness

Well, HR officially said no to a reasonable solution to help me function better and be more productive at their company. Cost-free and permissable under a Federal Disability Act, but no, they won't play ball. They legally have no right to ask for diagnosis, yet they did, because vague statements of permanent neurological conditions, attested from my doctor, do not cut it. No, they even asked for medical records, which is completely illegal. tacky, and creepy. And they could use to fire me if they didn't like what they saw (who wants unhealthy people employed?). And even if they did approve, if they got my medical records (no way) they said it would only be temporary, as they do not believe in giving permanent accommodations unless a person is basically missing a limb. So even if they eventually said yes, every couple of months, they would jerk me back and forth, and say gee, we need more medical proof that your condition has not changed, and then hem and haw if they want to allow it a while longer. Jerking me back and forth is harder on my system. So I guess if they figured that out, maybe that's the point in wanting me to back down and just shut up. It was stupid to try, I guess. My specialist advised I drop it or they’ll just make life more miserable for me and possibly find other reasons to fire me. Also that they are discriminating and what the heck is their problem. Multiple professionals have commented they’re being unreasonable since I qualify for ADA reasonable accommodation. But try telling them that. Of course, the sad thing in backing down now it looks like they called my bluff and I was just being an idiot. But it’s getting to be redic. Let’s see how bad it gets in winter. I can’t wait. It only came up because I got a complaint from a manager walking by my open-faced semi-cube who said it was too bright. I have 3 regular lamps, 2 official light deificiency “therapy” lamps, and a couple assorted led displays (those are for fun). I just ordered another therapy lamp as it was on sale. Amazon does have a pair of “glasses” that shine light directly into your eyes instead of having a big lamp. The issue is, if I’m already using a therapy grade lamp all day (not just 15-60 minutes, like normal people), Idk that the glasses would work (aside from looking atrocious – most embarrassing thing since head-gear, I tell you. In the meantime the most “helpful” idea on the internet is that CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) cures light deprivation, and the king of CBT Dr. David Burns has two books that will cure anything. Found the 700+ page book used for a few bucks and would sarcastically say I “can’t wait” to dive in.

Distrust for online Reviews

I do not recommend shopping on Amazon.com, but I admit it can be an interesting website to gather information. Or I thought it used to be. Lots of reviews there, more than any other site I’ve seen. A friend and I once discussed the minimum number of reviews one should look for, for the data to be (hopefully) a rounded representation. But anymore, it appears reviews can be bought or censored, and that’s kind of sad. While looking for a desk light, I spent hours looking for features I wanted, and reviews for various brands and models. Even if I was only looking to spend $50, I didn’t want to have to try out 3 different ones to get the right one (or one that lasts) and therefore spend more like $150. Maybe I overthink things, but I also don’t want to throw money away by buying crap. I found reviews that were “updated” saying they never got their gift card for submitting a 5-star review. Hmm, sounds like that’s a good way to get false testimonials that won’t all be written in the same voice (less obviously fake). I attempted to submit a review on Amazon for the Arteza pens, and found they would not post it, but offered me a refund instead. While that’s more appropriate, it’s still sad if they’re attempting to buy my silence. Their note read “We hope that you give us another chance. If you would like a full refund: please reply 'Full refund'.” What, they want me to buy their pens again and hope for a better batch? No way. You want me to stop submitting unfavorable reviews simply stating the couple of pens that worked were gloppy? Or you just don’t want me to be miffed for refusing to post my review? It’s not like was an over-done angry post about a waste of money and horrible product. I noted that for coloring, the gloops may not be as noticeable as with writing. I said how much use I got out of the one pen that did work. I didn’t frame it as good or bad. I have to wonder how many others they have censored or trying to buy off to with-hold less favorable reviews. I know it’s stupid to “trust the internet” but I guess I’m a dope, not realizing sooner, that with all the opportunity for sharing information and knowledge, well, it’s all probably just loads of crap (or more so than I’d realized).

Darkness Drags on

I did the math, and can hardly believe it’s only been 12 weeks since I moved to my sun-less corner of the work world. It seems like it’s been dragging on forever. I made a doctor’s appointment to ask what the heck to do next. I’ve gained 20 pounds due in part to lack of energy and feeling generally crappy. I’ve tried exercising both walking and strength-training as much as I can stand (which isn’t much) and have no discernable difference even though they say oh, you need to exercise more, because that gives you energy. I have 3 LED lamps, one on each side, and one in the back corner, 40 watt equivalent or more. I don’t know the exact measurements of my desk, but it’s less than 6 feet wide for sure. All the light does is strain my eyes and give me headaches. The side lamps have 10 brightness settings, so I can turn them up and down gradually. I’ve tried turning them up and down, or leaving at one setting, and both ways suck. It kind of feels like it comes down to whether or not I deserve to not be miserable. The indirect feedback I’m getting is that no, I’m not worthy of that. What's wrong with this picture.

Pen Review: Arteza Glitter Gel Pens, 14 colors, 1.0 mm

Ahem. I think this is a sign I need to stop trying out different pen brands and simply stick with the ones that were the best. The plastic pen barrel has a cheap feeling like if you drop it from any height, it might shatter. Hopefully they would not, but they feel notably cheap in construction. 5 lines in, the green stopped working. Ka-poot. Nothing. Purchase was less than 1 month old. Good grief. I don’t have time for this. Did I mention the other brand (Color Technik) pack of 80, where you have to try several pens before achieving one that works more than a couple of lines? I guess this has made me impatient. My Arteza set “only” had 14 pen colors, of which I only really want to write with 8, and of those, the first I pick stops working that quickly. Is it so unusual to want almost new pens to work? Again, I’m seriously re-thinking how much I appreciate some of these others (some of which I have not reviewed yet).

So without beating the green pen to death, I moved on to the red. Guess what happened? 6 lines in, it died. I attempted to resuscitate. It wrote 2 more lines. This is a joke. Since I got them from Amazon, I know from experience if I return them, they will not refund my money (it usually gets lost somewhere, or they claim they credited my account, which they did not, but the refuse to admit they are capable of any type of error. The dark blue pen worked for two pages (6x9) and used about a third of the pen. The ink gloops here and there, but was nicely bright and sparkly.

Pink pen. Guess what? 5 1/2 lines in, dead. Black made it a whole 10 lines, then dead.

These were by far the worst pens I’ve tried so far. With the price about a dollar a pen, it would be nice if they at least worked for the most part. Since they were from Amazon.com, I know I can’t return them for a refund or exchange. Sure, they say you can, but in my experience, Amazon pretends to refund my money and I never get it, so I’ve stopped trying. I don’t think they’re known for their customer service. That’s what you get for cheaper prices.