Winter Solstice

Today is officially the darkest day of the year, where I live. That gives something to look forward to, it getting brighter and lighter. Today wasn’t too bad, all things considered. It was only partly cloudy, and the sun came out in late afternoon, so I could enjoy it a little. When it’s dark cloudy or rainy, it would take until about 9 am for the sun to come up over one building, and it would seem to “set” behind the other building by 3:30pm. Still, I’ve noticed being a bit more sluggish this past week especially. I tried to redeem one of my yearly free counseling visits through work, and ask them for ideas more successfully coping with reduced sunlight. But the provider refused to work with me since I did not have at least 5 hours of neuro-psych testing to prove what is wrong with me. Great. My insurance won't pay for that unless I have documented proof there is something substantilly wrong with me in the first place. Like, that traditional treatment isn't working, so you need testing to figure out what the heck . . . It's expensive, and they don't pay for everyone to have it done for fun. They don't even pay for everyone who has autism or learning disabilities or mental illness. You've gotta be in worse shape than that. So I’m back to reading my 700 page book and others. Guess healthcare is more self-serve these days. Figure out what’s wrong and fix it yourself.

An acquaintance jokingly commented maybe it’s the adult version of being afraid of the dark. Did I already mention we’re not allowed to plug in things at our desk unless they are usb powered? That’s been a fun challenge. And yes, people sneak around, but eventually the maintenance people come around and start giving orders . . . Last year they chewed me out for having a small SAD LED light at my desk that was previously approved by HR and a doctor’s note. But they were adamant I remove it immediately.

I think that’s why the idea of hygge appeals to me. That’s the first one I heard about, anyway. I ‘ve heard other countries and cultures have their equivalent. Lagom, maybe? Making things cozy and happy lighting in the otherwise dark bleak winter months. I still haven’t mastered that yet. I have some extra holiday-ish lights in my bedroom year-round, and the overhead light on a dimmer switch. I already love salt lamps, and have heard they are good for this. Yet I can’t put my finger on why the work holiday setup in the hall bugs me. It seems like they’re going for the same effect, but it seems dreary to me. They turned off all the hall and overhead lighting and only left the tree and holiday lights. If this were outdoors, it would make sense. But there is so much dead space between the decorations and lights, it looks more bleak and tired to me. When the lights were on last week, the whole setup looked very festive and bright. Now I’d be afraid to trip over something, especially if my eyes haven’t adjusted enough yet. Maybe that kind of low lighting works in a restaurant or bar after work, but when you’re trying to work; I don’t know; it was odd.

Anyway, if anyone knows of online hygge classes, or ambient lighting, sign me up.

Scaling back

I stopped posting here a while ago even though I drafted some entries. It was pointed out to me that no one needs to see my self-centered drama. It would probably be better to focus on what good I could do vs. wah wah wah.

Suffice it to say, stuff happens, both good and bad. It would be more beneficial to focus on the good, and not take the perceived bad too seriously. No one makes it out of here alive, so why make more self-inflicted suffering than needed? Also time to reflect on things that add positive or negative energy, and how to maximize the positive and minimize the less helpful. This could be anything from home decorations, to who you include in your life. I need to be more choosey about the energy suckers in my sphere and minimizing those drafts.

Exiled to Outer Permanent Darkness

Well, HR officially said no to a reasonable solution to help me function better and be more productive at their company. Cost-free and permissable under a Federal Disability Act, but no, they won't play ball. They legally have no right to ask for diagnosis, yet they did, because vague statements of permanent neurological conditions, attested from my doctor, do not cut it. No, they even asked for medical records, which is completely illegal. tacky, and creepy. And they could use to fire me if they didn't like what they saw (who wants unhealthy people employed?). And even if they did approve, if they got my medical records (no way) they said it would only be temporary, as they do not believe in giving permanent accommodations unless a person is basically missing a limb. So even if they eventually said yes, every couple of months, they would jerk me back and forth, and say gee, we need more medical proof that your condition has not changed, and then hem and haw if they want to allow it a while longer. Jerking me back and forth is harder on my system. So I guess if they figured that out, maybe that's the point in wanting me to back down and just shut up. It was stupid to try, I guess. My specialist advised I drop it or they’ll just make life more miserable for me and possibly find other reasons to fire me. Also that they are discriminating and what the heck is their problem. Multiple professionals have commented they’re being unreasonable since I qualify for ADA reasonable accommodation. But try telling them that. Of course, the sad thing in backing down now it looks like they called my bluff and I was just being an idiot. But it’s getting to be redic. Let’s see how bad it gets in winter. I can’t wait. It only came up because I got a complaint from a manager walking by my open-faced semi-cube who said it was too bright. I have 3 regular lamps, 2 official light deificiency “therapy” lamps, and a couple assorted led displays (those are for fun). I just ordered another therapy lamp as it was on sale. Amazon does have a pair of “glasses” that shine light directly into your eyes instead of having a big lamp. The issue is, if I’m already using a therapy grade lamp all day (not just 15-60 minutes, like normal people), Idk that the glasses would work (aside from looking atrocious – most embarrassing thing since head-gear, I tell you. In the meantime the most “helpful” idea on the internet is that CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) cures light deprivation, and the king of CBT Dr. David Burns has two books that will cure anything. Found the 700+ page book used for a few bucks and would sarcastically say I “can’t wait” to dive in.

Distrust for online Reviews

I do not recommend shopping on Amazon.com, but I admit it can be an interesting website to gather information. Or I thought it used to be. Lots of reviews there, more than any other site I’ve seen. A friend and I once discussed the minimum number of reviews one should look for, for the data to be (hopefully) a rounded representation. But anymore, it appears reviews can be bought or censored, and that’s kind of sad. While looking for a desk light, I spent hours looking for features I wanted, and reviews for various brands and models. Even if I was only looking to spend $50, I didn’t want to have to try out 3 different ones to get the right one (or one that lasts) and therefore spend more like $150. Maybe I overthink things, but I also don’t want to throw money away by buying crap. I found reviews that were “updated” saying they never got their gift card for submitting a 5-star review. Hmm, sounds like that’s a good way to get false testimonials that won’t all be written in the same voice (less obviously fake). I attempted to submit a review on Amazon for the Arteza pens, and found they would not post it, but offered me a refund instead. While that’s more appropriate, it’s still sad if they’re attempting to buy my silence. Their note read “We hope that you give us another chance. If you would like a full refund: please reply 'Full refund'.” What, they want me to buy their pens again and hope for a better batch? No way. You want me to stop submitting unfavorable reviews simply stating the couple of pens that worked were gloppy? Or you just don’t want me to be miffed for refusing to post my review? It’s not like was an over-done angry post about a waste of money and horrible product. I noted that for coloring, the gloops may not be as noticeable as with writing. I said how much use I got out of the one pen that did work. I didn’t frame it as good or bad. I have to wonder how many others they have censored or trying to buy off to with-hold less favorable reviews. I know it’s stupid to “trust the internet” but I guess I’m a dope, not realizing sooner, that with all the opportunity for sharing information and knowledge, well, it’s all probably just loads of crap (or more so than I’d realized).

Darkness Drags on

I did the math, and can hardly believe it’s only been 12 weeks since I moved to my sun-less corner of the work world. It seems like it’s been dragging on forever. I made a doctor’s appointment to ask what the heck to do next. I’ve gained 20 pounds due in part to lack of energy and feeling generally crappy. I’ve tried exercising both walking and strength-training as much as I can stand (which isn’t much) and have no discernable difference even though they say oh, you need to exercise more, because that gives you energy. I have 3 LED lamps, one on each side, and one in the back corner, 40 watt equivalent or more. I don’t know the exact measurements of my desk, but it’s less than 6 feet wide for sure. All the light does is strain my eyes and give me headaches. The side lamps have 10 brightness settings, so I can turn them up and down gradually. I’ve tried turning them up and down, or leaving at one setting, and both ways suck. It kind of feels like it comes down to whether or not I deserve to not be miserable. The indirect feedback I’m getting is that no, I’m not worthy of that. What's wrong with this picture.

Pen Review: Arteza Glitter Gel Pens, 14 colors, 1.0 mm

Ahem. I think this is a sign I need to stop trying out different pen brands and simply stick with the ones that were the best. The plastic pen barrel has a cheap feeling like if you drop it from any height, it might shatter. Hopefully they would not, but they feel notably cheap in construction. 5 lines in, the green stopped working. Ka-poot. Nothing. Purchase was less than 1 month old. Good grief. I don’t have time for this. Did I mention the other brand (Color Technik) pack of 80, where you have to try several pens before achieving one that works more than a couple of lines? I guess this has made me impatient. My Arteza set “only” had 14 pen colors, of which I only really want to write with 8, and of those, the first I pick stops working that quickly. Is it so unusual to want almost new pens to work? Again, I’m seriously re-thinking how much I appreciate some of these others (some of which I have not reviewed yet).

So without beating the green pen to death, I moved on to the red. Guess what happened? 6 lines in, it died. I attempted to resuscitate. It wrote 2 more lines. This is a joke. Since I got them from Amazon, I know from experience if I return them, they will not refund my money (it usually gets lost somewhere, or they claim they credited my account, which they did not, but the refuse to admit they are capable of any type of error. The dark blue pen worked for two pages (6x9) and used about a third of the pen. The ink gloops here and there, but was nicely bright and sparkly.

Pink pen. Guess what? 5 1/2 lines in, dead. Black made it a whole 10 lines, then dead.

These were by far the worst pens I’ve tried so far. With the price about a dollar a pen, it would be nice if they at least worked for the most part. Since they were from Amazon.com, I know I can’t return them for a refund or exchange. Sure, they say you can, but in my experience, Amazon pretends to refund my money and I never get it, so I’ve stopped trying. I don’t think they’re known for their customer service. That’s what you get for cheaper prices.

Summer Solstice

It’s kind of a downer to feel so sapped of energy during the brightest, longest days of the year, due to working in a comparatively dark, sunlight-devoid office. I’m taking ridiculous amounts of vitamin d. Normal human vitamin d levels are 50, and my bloodwork showed 15, despite previously taking lower “normal” doses. All other tests came back normal. The only thing that changed was the office space. I’m about to ask for a second work lamp (maybe I need them in visual “stereo”). Right now at least I can get some light exposure on break or lunch. I’m guessing winter will be horrible with lower levels of light. Just kind of sucky that it’s really so nasty despite being the brightest time of the year. Just . . . unfortunate.

June 10 is National Ballpoint Pen Day

Ok, for serious smooth pen enthusiasts, ballpoints may no longer cut it, but it’s still kind of cool. June 10th marked the day the patent was obtained for the ballpoint pen. Some fun facts and history can be found at https://nationaltoday.com/national-ballpoint-pen-day/

For example, as I age, and my income doesn’t go up nearly as much as the cost of everything else, it’s interesting to note that some of the first ballpoint pens sold for $12 a pen in 1945. Although most ballpoints can be pretty inexpensive, some brands I will never be afford to try out can cost several hundred dollars or more.

Pen Review: Master’s Touch Premium Gel Pen Set

Got these from Hobby Lobby. I think this is their store brand. I tried the glitter and metallic pen sets. Both had 12 pens for $10, (unless there is a sale or coupon). Glitter set: I am not sure what is up with the need for so much yellow lately. I noticed ou of 12 colors, they had two different yellows. I saw another 10-color yet with two yellows, so I wonder if this is a current trend or demand. Whatever makes people happy. Bold smooth lines with lots of silvery sparkle. They seem good brand, when new, anyway. Pen body is narrow and the same size all the way down, in case you happen to like a sleek or uniform look. The caps don’t fit on tight and they tend to rattle when you write. Metallic set: These initially worked, but then a less than a month after purcahse, with only a couple of uses, they started skipping and reminding me of Color Technik. Sad. Not sure what it is about these things that make them cop out so quickly. Is it the brand quality? Do special inks like glitter and metallic tend to have more issues? I wonder if I should put dates on all my pens and note the "expiration" shelf life when they die without running out of ink. So far the glitter are still working, but it makes me wonder how long they will.

Preliminary Black pen-off

Some day I have to evaluate every single "plain" black or blue pen there is for smoothness to crown the ultimate writing pen. The other day I grabbed a few I thought might be fun to compare, to see what ranked better than others. I wrote a few short sentences, several words with each pen. I guess in theory I should write the exact same thing on the same piece of paper, that way there’s absolutely no variation in even the words chosen.

Here were my preliminary impressions:

Top picks included Sarasa bold 1.00mm blue-black retractable, and Pilot precise V7 Rt. Clicky top, not quite as bold, but very smooth. I believe I discovered both at Kinokuniya bookstore. Also right at the top was the uni-ball vision elite (yes, I admit it).

Still very close, but barely a step down were the uni-ball vision fine. Hmm, didn’t even realize that’s what it was until recording the results. Maybe it’s the barely less premium or pre-elite version. Also a runner up was the Pentel Energel metal tip 1.0.

Next best was the Pentel 24/7. The funny thing about this pen is it’s smooth most of the time, but occasionally feels like a squeaky marker on marker-board. Just for a moment, as if the ink is re-adjusting, and certainly not that often. Huge pen body, disposable, which kind of sucks. But a good solid writing pen. Also discovered at Kinokuniya.

Honorable mention goes to Bic gelocity. If not a pen connosouir (or wanna be) and not comparing to all these other pens, it’s a nice smooth pen with no complaints. Also comparable was the Uni-ball Signo 307.

It didn't occur to me until the following day that I didn't include the Pilot G2 or Uni-ball Signo 207. I wonder if subconsciously I didn't think they would be the very top pens anyway.

The more I think about it, The Uni-ball Vision Elite seems like a smaller point version of the Zebra Sarasa 1.00mm. The Sarasa 1.00mm has long been one of my favorites. Ironically the Sarasa .7mm is not nearly as smooth and usually not worth mentioning. See, all these pens that get smoother as they get bolder? On the ball-point front, the Uni-ball Jetstream 1.00 is like a finer point version of the Bic 1.6mm. (anything less than 1.6mm in Bic positively sucks). I have been using the Jetstream for notes at work, as I admit there are times when bold is just too bold.

Still Sucky Light

This last week’s lighting solution (I use that word lightly). I brought an additional 60 watt equivalent lamp that sit’s about a 16 inches away from me (tiny desks). It is ridiculously bright compared to the regular office lighting and gives me a headache, but I feel somewhat less lethargic with it on most of the time. Oh, for customized dimmer switches settings. I’ve tried putting a few sheets of paper propped up against it, but it doesn’t stay put well and I don’t want to tape it. Also put a folder in front of half of it for when the headache gets worse near the end of the day. Still allows the rest of the diffused light to bounce around the walls and better than being completely off. I’ve also ordered an arching over-desk lamp that has 3 light colors (warm, cool, in-between),and 10 brightness settings and supposedly maxes out around 75 watt equivalent. I’m hoping the latter, when it arrives, will be a little more tolerable to my fickle preferences. Also since it comes with a base or clamp, and I have a couple little shelves at my desk, I might be able to put it up higher to light up more of my desk; not just a little section. Fingers crossed it comes soon, and doesn’t cop out quickly.

Disqualified pen (no review, not getting more)

Pilot Precise V7 Stick Liquid Ink Rolling Ball Stick Pens (blue, 0.7mm).

I've used the Pilot liquid stick pens in the past without issue. Even back in the day when I used .5mm. I apreciated the precise tip and variety of colors (to use at boring jobs). But when I bring home a brand new one and it leaks all over, without any clear damage/reason, I'm going to avoid that pen. Maybe they're not as sturdy as other pens and did have a structure/damage point? It's not like you go looking in detail for what leaked where on a messy pen that just betrayed you. Perhaps it got banged around in my bag on the way home? I fished it out of my bag, set it down, and when I went to retrieve it hours later, it was completely empty. Do they need to be stored more carefully - like only end up or down, or only lay flat? If so, I'm still not a fan of higher maintanance/picky pens, especially if catostrophic failure is the result. Sorry, not gettin anywhere near these again if I can help it.

Natural Sunlight Deprivation

Feeling really crummy lately, and I’m pretty sure I know why, but I don’t know what to do about it. Not COVID. I think I’m solar-powered. The symptoms I feel are like one dealing with sunlight deprivation Stumped what to do about it since there’s very little light I can get during the long work day. I’m pretty light sensitive, I guess, but in a sort of the Goldilocks way, maybe. My skin is also phototoxic, so I can’t go outside for any length of time. I can’t even sit in the shade if there’s too much light reflection from surrounding buildings or whatever. Seriously. I have medication for this, and still have to be careful. Anyway, I can walk into any place and go yuck, this is too dim lighting, where no one else notices or cares. If I’m stuck at a job all day, I can’t stand it when it’s too dark. It saps the life energy out of me. Almost quite literally, unfortunately. Since I have sadly, multiple disabilities, my provider said hey, sunlight is good for depression (one of my many issues), and the Americans with Disabilities Act says workplaces have to try to help you out a little if you’re disabled. So there’s this “reasonable accommodation” thing where you can ask for stuff to make your job easier. More common things might be like modify workspace for wheelchairs, or even ergonomic things for people with arthritis. So several years ago, we asked for a work station near a window, and with my provider’s letter backing me up this was a real medical issue, I got it. Not to look out the window and see the pretty scenery, but to not feel like I’m half-zombie. For years, it was wonderful. Until two weeks ago, when the workplace decided I don’t really deserve a window seat anymore. I’m not a manager or supervisor, or have even been with the company that long, like the life-long folks. So I don’t deserve special treatment. I don’t even have a right to ask for a seat a row or two away from the window. They put me way in the back, because I have the lowest ranked position of anyone in the department. It probably wasn’t on purpose, but I also just happen to have a cubicle that doesn’t have the greatest lighting from the overhead light placement. I looked around enviously at so many other desks – even one in the back corner that had a ceiling light directly overhead, but no, now allowed to sit there either. Ok, well, we have different lighting now than when I was first hired. Sure, maybe I can tough it out, and it won’t be that bad. Nope, it’s bad. The first day, we didn’t move first thing in the morning, so I did get a good dose of light for at an hour or more, and probably only spent 6 hours or so in the new desk. I felt so sluggish that night it seemed like I could barely move. The perk is I get two days a week I can work from home, where I have power over my lighting, so I don’t have to work in the gloom every single day. But I swear, it’s still really bad. Maybe if I only had to be in that space for a couple hours, I could recover better. But 8 or more, just roll me onto a gurney . . . or into a shallow grave . . . I almost wouldn’t care. So this is completely my fault. I’m broken, and there’s obviously something wrong with me. I do try to go at least to a big window on my breaks or lunch . . . except that I really should be walking to get exercise instead. Now, Goldilocks can’t walk outside, even for 15 minutes, unless it’s very cloudy and not too bright (like it looks when its about to rain). There are long hallways I can walk inside, but they don’t go past many windows. So, it seems like I can either walk or get sunlight, but not really both. I taped white typing paper all over the inside walls of my cube, to reflect the most light. The desk surface is already white. We’re not supposed to have real plug-in lights, but usb is fine, so I got two 14 inch bars, one for each side. I also have two “happy lights” or “sad lights” whichever you prefer to call them. S.A.D. is for Seasonal Affective Disorder. I’ve left one or both lights on low all day (with doctor approval) and I still feel like crap. Maybe I need a third? After lengthy discussions with directors of HR and Facility Maintenance, I’ve been granted to plug in two devices. I’m guessing they wouldn’t find humor in considering a power-strip a single device. I already got a usb multiplier for all these other lights. So to recap two strong "happy lights, 2 14 inch LED bars 320 lumens, and two warm light display bases for the corners to give a little more ambient light. Contemplated using mirrors behind lights to reflect more, or getting a light more overhead shining down. I’ve been using a happy light for years, and I notice I need it longer each year as I’m aging. I’ve needed this in addition to the window seat during the shorter days. It used to be November-February, but now it’s more like September-April. So you see, I’m pretty light dependent. Or addicted? Whatever it is, I don’t know how to fix it. I take a multivitamin and taking obscene amounts of vitamin d, have upped the caffeine on those days, and I swear I feel like the energy just drains out of me until I’m exhausted at the end of the day. And that’s for days that I’m not flooded with work. Even a reasonable or slow day. I’m completely zapped. What do I do? My health provider ordered some labs to check thyroid, but I have to say the timing is pretty suspicious. They suggested sleep apnea. Ok, but really, only every other day? Like, I get up, I’m ok, and then I actually feel worse a couple hours into my work-day than when I first got up? And then it’s possible to feel mildly better after I’m home for a while? I don’t always feel completely great, because it feels like the life was zapped out of me for so long, it seems reasonable I can’t bounce back completely in a few minutes. But a couple hours later, sure, I feel noticeably better. It’s not just the who-hoo, I’m off work kind of spring in one’s step (I’m too old for that now – I only get that for a vacation). A couple hours after work I just feel normal tired, vs. the walking out of work I probably look like I’m drunk or half-dead, slumped over and unable to walk a straight line (because I don’t even care as long as I don’t plow into a wall).