Unwanted Mail

I am really getting tired of mail from the hospital. It’s not bills, so you’d think hey, it’s not that bad. It’s merely summaries of visits, notices of upcoming visits . . . It’s the fact that it keeps reminding me of the whole mini-drama. Painful biopsy and waiting to see if I had cancer. Being told no, then, wait, uhm, well, it’s not exactly malignant, but it’s abnormal and kind of worrisome . . . saying I need surgery, no wait, insurance won’t pay for surgery whether I wanted it or not . . . Just the whole ordeal. We need imaging, we need more imaging, no, imaging was a waste, lets do this instead . . .

I have to remind myself how lucky I am. I don’t have cancer; I don’t need chemotherapy or radiation; nor do I have thousands of dollars to pay the hospital. I just don’t like the recurrant reminders of the situation. Here’s a notice that you need to schedule this. Here’s a confirmation that you have scheduled this. Here’s a summary of the services you received. Here’s yet another letter recommending something else. I have an appointment at the high risk cancer center next month. Yes, I know I do, thank you for another reminder. Thank you for telling me you did not receive medical records from the surigical consult and then saying never mind, you don’t need them.

It’s all completely inoccuous, but at the time time generally unhappy reminders. It's fine. I just wanted to express this somewhere.

Flipping Fasciitis Foot Pain

My foot pain started probably late August, where I thought maybe the cushioning in my shoes had finally worn out and I needed a new pair. This did not help. Both my feet hurt the entire length whenever I walked. They felt as if they were tired and sore, as if I’d already walked way too much and they were sore and tired. On a bad day, they would still hurt at night and I couldn’t even let them brush against each other because the sides of my feet hurt.

Doc says sounds like plantar faciitis, and gave some stretches. Interesting, the back of my left knee hurts now, but foot feels better. Right foot is tons worse and my arch is noticeably flat on this foot. What the? So I’m looking up more exercises, stretches, videos, etc while I’m in so much pain I can’t sleep, and it’s not as if I’m walking more than I absolutely must, because it hurts so much. The classic PF is supposed to be super bad in the morning and slowly stretch out as you use it. Or it gets worse the longer you sit, so sometimes during the day it’ll hurt on the first couple of steps. Nope, not me. I am limping, hobbling , and wincing in pain every single step. After a few steps I can stop the hobble, but the pain doesn’t subside.

No idea what podiatrist to go to or look for. In theory they usually prescribe physical therapy anyway, and that’s why I’m looking for those exercises online while I try to figure out what to do. Besides, even if I find a foot doc, work requires 2 weeks notice to take any time off, including for appointments like this.

In desperation I ordered some compression socks online that should be here late Friday or Saturday. No idea if that will work, but I’m starting to go out of my mind. Tons of braces, compression sleeves, socks, etc, so I finally stabbed at one that wasn’t too expensive and looked good. In the meantime I wrapped it with self-adhesive which helps a little, but also adheres to everything else, so who knows how much sock lint it will have on it at the end of the day.

I know; I’m whining. Sorry, that’s what one sometimes uses a blog for. Frustrated and in pain and no idea what doc to get or product to buy that will work. Already sick of seeing videos that warn you against what you saw in the other video, etc, etc. My doc recommended at least 4 stretches, so it encompasses both sides. Only thing I can’t do well is the one on stairs. I live on the second floor. I don’t really want to stand backwards at the top of the stairs, or get dressed and shoes on to walk down to the bottom of the stairs several times a day while the neighbors watch and wonder what the heck is wrong with me. Darn it all, why did I get ride of those exercise steps, just because I didn’t use them for over 15 years? Could use them right now.

Shopping Trip

I’ve been looking for those semi-wimpy weights a while now, and somehow stumbled upon a coupon for Dick’s Sporting Goods. I felt like an intruder both entering and exiting the store, half expecting someone to ask if I was lost. Though not my ideal adjustable solution, I did manage to get 2 four-pound dumells to fill in that gap I needed. I have 5 pounders, but I’m not yet ready to do a full minute flapping my arms in little cirles holding my 5 pound weights. Still working with the unknown and probably “vintage” variety I stumbled upon a few weeks ago. Guessing those are somehwere around 1.5-2 pounds. 3 pounds would have been silly to invest in. I could’ve passed these up as well, but 2 little dumbells with the textured coating for for 10 bucks wasn’t too bad. Probably still need the adjustable ones for ankle weights at some point, but those were considerably more at Dick’s than online.

Still, I felt like I should be ashamed, checking out, as if I needed to give the cashier an explanation of my wimply purchase. Like I needed to explain the above situation to them, why I was purchasing such a tiny weight. They were nice of course, and probably didn’t think anything of it. After all, my size probably suggests they might have been surprised that I could hold both in one hand.

The good news is I already have 5, 8, 10, 12, and 15 pound weights at home from my younger years. They’ve been put to odd strategic uses, like anchoring a scratching post from moving around. Maybe when I advance up that far, I can use a pile of the tinier weights to take that place. I realize a bunch of varied weights isn’t as svelte as the adjustable ones, but I also don’t have the cash to drop on say, an adjustable kettlebell that goes from 8-140 pounds. And then all you have is a kettlebell, and not all those other types of weights. These will do me just fine for a while, I think.

I also need to figure out the whole exercise band thing. There are sets with multiple bands for 20-35-ish online, but I’m not sure what exercises to do with them. The nice thing is that you can use multiple bands at a time, so (assuming they don’t break right away, as some reviews suggest) you can have a pretty good weight spread as you get more in shape. I also love the idea that they’re not super heavy so one could use those while traveling and they’d be small and light enough to not be a huge extra. Oh well. One thing at a time.

How often should one be hungry?

Last week I continued to increase my fruits and vegetables. Of note were bananas, blueberries, broccoli, and pumpkin soup. I couldn’t decide on any one soup recipe so after googling common ingredients, I ad-libbed my own. I used a relatively low amount of coconut milk and no other dairy or fatty ingredients to make it creamy and thick. It was delicious and I had a ton of it for and with meals. Despite this, my weight loss was pretty minimal. I cut out all desserts (except occasional low-fat popcorn) and we didn’t eat out at all. Kept up my exercising, though admittedly I “should” do more.

They say if you’re on track, losing 1-2% of your total body weight a week is a good goal. When most people start out, they generally lose a little more the first couple weeks, which can kick-start motivation. I'm jealous. Like yeah, I’m on the right track. Even though I can’t expect a huge loss every week, this is a nice boost to keep going. 1 percent is .01. I lost .001 or a tenth of 1%. Yay. I’m sitting here half hungry most of the time while my spouse scarfs down aromatic junk food and multiple desserts, wondering when this is going to kick in.

That’s the other eye-rolling item. Years ago on one of the several WW programs I participated in, they had their hunger levels and dicated that one should be “a bit hungry” most of the time. Seriously? Most of the time you’re walking around hungry and not allowed to do anything but think about food? Yeah, that’s gonna end well. I’m currently on this idea of eating lunch & dinner since I’m not starving when I wake up. The idea is you shouldn’t eat unless you’re actually hungry. So today for lunch I ate celery, blueberries, and a cup of low-ish calorie popcorn. The rest of the afternoon I drink as much water as possible bemoaning that it’s normal to be “a bit hungry” most of the time, especially since I’m not hungry enough for a big meal (again, from the people who brough us don’t eat breakfast unless you’re hungry for a big meal). Yeah, I feel “a bit” deprived and irritated because I’m not losing much. Oh well. Just had to whine a little.

CIS

The following is my satire on trying to understand medical terminology. It is in no way intended to make light of, or offend those with serious medical conditions, especially cancer.


You have the opportunity to learn new things every day. Here is my expression of my experience attempting to understand CIS, or Carcinoma in Situ.

I will lump myself along with most people’s basic understanding of the term carcinoma – bad. Carcinoma generally means cancer. While not all cancer is terminal, there is a pretty scary overall connotation of the word. I mean, nothing good generally comes from it, right?

I listen to Kids Place Live, a children’s radio station. Recently one of their hosts, Absolutely Mindy, expressed that she had finished up a round of chemo, and as always, tried to explain the idea of cancer in a friendly accessible and not-so-scary way to her listeners. She said cancer is when the cells in your body go all bonker-balls and form gangs and attack the other cells in your body. Sounds like a good basic description. Let’s build off that.

The first thing they try to tell you when you get test results is that CIS is not really cancer; it is benign. Ok, that sounds better, but how exactly does this work?

I conducted several web searches for the meaning of “in situ.” The jist I got was that it’s something that has remained in its place of origin. That does contradict Cancer.org’s definition that “Cancer is a disease in which some of the body’s cells grow uncontrollably and spread to other parts of the body.“ Ok, good, it’s something odd, but it’s not out of control. That should help us feel a bit better. Maybe? From numerous other searches, what I gleaned is it’s cells that look like cancer, but don’t act like cancer. Still sounds a bit apprehensive, but ok. Something looks a bit wonky, but it’s not bonker-balls out of control yet.

With my various trepidtations and ups and downs with this news, along with my twisted sense of humor, I cam up with this anaology. Carcinoma in situ: cancer at home.

Instead of forming gangs and attackinig the neighborhood, it’s just haning out at home, maybe reading a good book by the fireplace and taking it easy. It looks like cancer, but so far it’s keeping the peace, staying put, and not causing problems. Something to keep an eye on, for sure, but that’s probably where the analogy should end. Otherwise we start talking about privacy invation and stereotypes just because someone looks like they shouldn’t be in the neighborhood and I’m pretty sure we should go there.

The sucky thing is that in the meantime, searching carcinoma in situ (as recommended by the health provider) you get results anywhere from saying it's stage 0 cancer and should be treated immediately while it is still curable, to eh, don't do anything but wait and watch. These are only websites that are supposed to be fairly reputable. WebMD, Mayo Clinic, various hospitals and cancer intitute. Whatever. Wait. Check back in a few months. Try not to worry (yeah right).

Eating More Plants - Hoorah!

Last week I succeeded eating more “plants” than usual. Granted, my main staples were bananas, potatoes, and broccoli. This is where anyone reading slaps their forehead that I made such poor choices. Bananas have so much sugar, and potatoes are startchy.. Well, sure, but that’s still better than I have been eating overall. An entire banana is two servings, so one could argue that one can easily “overeat.” Whatever. That just means I got more servings in. I think the real culprit for potatoes is the stuff people put ON them. I had boiled potatoes with spices and minimal toppings to keep them moist or a little more flavor. Potatoes are still better than white rice or pasta, so there. I am down a few pounds since the beginningof the month. I’m still paranoid every day I step on the scale it might go back up, so that helps keep me a bit motivated.

Taking a small step is better than attempting all-or-nothing and then giving up as soon as one makes a tiny less than perfect choice. It feels more sustainable than being motivated by fear. I didn’t write about the fear motivation idea. Rently had some iffy test results and healthcare providers reminded me that at least 40% of all cancers are preventable by diet and a reasonable weight. Fine, so if I succumb later it’s all my fault. Great feeling. Eat better or get cancer. Not that anyone makes it out of this life alive. Being told one has a 200+% chance of getting cancer can be quite the attention-getter. Feels like even if I don’t have it now, it’s only a matter of time wating for it to drop. What can I do in the meantime besides fret? Lose weight, eat more plants, all that good stuff. Chemoprevention too, but we’ll get to that later.

Various Weight Loss Ideas

The dude that mentioned 600 calories of pureed chicken & coffee said a couple other interesting things, like how broccoli is super filling, so I ventured to ask him a tiny bit more, only on the off chance of something that sounded more paletable to me. He did not. Among other things, one should never exercise more than 40 minutes at one time, and multiple exercise sessions must be no less than 6 hours apart. This was in response to the question is it ok to have a 15 min walk here and there, like on breaks. I’m happy this system works for him, but hard pass from me. I have enough healthcare professionals saying walk, no don’t walk, do strength-training, no, avoid it at all costs and only do walking. Eat yogurt – no, dairy is not needed. Eat ¾ of your food as fruits and vegetables. No, eat at least half calories from lean meat. My point here is only to say that I give up. I try to have a semi-open mind to some of these thigns, like I said, in case there are hidden gems. Like broccoli is very filling. That’s good to know. I like cucumbers, but I swear, every time I have one, I’m hungrier than I was beforehand. So hey, broccoli probably is pretty filling. But all these extreme this and that and nothing you do is right . . . I give up. Get the weight off as quickly as possible – diet now, eat normal the rest of your life; it’ll somehow work out. Gastric surgery is the only way to go. Slow steady lifestyle changes are the way to go. Anythng else is dangerous. I agree with some things, and I don’t on others, and I shouldn’t get on a soapbox of which things strike a chord to me. I just think it’s sad there are so many vastly different “healthy” ideas by professionals, as to destroy all trust in anything and make one feel like they have to test it out and figure it out for themselves. One plan probably does not fit all; even flexible ones. I’m the only one who’s got to live with me and my quality of life due to my weight. I know what foods I can tolerate and which I’d seriously rather avoid and substitute. I cannot let these guest lecturers live inside my head making me feel guilty and awful about myself no matter what choice I make. My surgeon has a website with several life-style changes they advocate, and I’ve read and will seriously consider all that I am able to. To a point. Let’s just say their ideas were a little less extreme and probably in the right direction. And attempting a direction still counts; even if I am not 100% successful following every single item every day. I tend to gravitate in all-or-nothing perfectionism and it gets discouraging. 80% on track, or even starting out 50% in a new direction, can still be positive change. I don’t have to do this overnight. That’s just me.

All Ailments Caused by Being Overweight

Anyone else had these lectures? If you just lose weight, it will all go away. Uh huh. I had no idea they’d even blame poor vision on weight. By now it’s too late for me on that one. I know weight doen’t help, and probably does exacerbate things, but . . . then there’s the issue with how quickly one should lose weight and what one should do in the meantime if one has a lot of weight to lose.

Talked to a gentleman at work today who is becoming a certified nutritionist and advocates eating 600 calories a day living off coffee, protein powder, and pureed chicken. Said load up on celery and you’ll never have to exercise. Not that he indulges in celery, personally. He said a lot of interesting things that I’m not sure I’m ready to buy into. I do resist celery because it seems bitter to me. But his take was that you only have to suffer for a shorter amount of time and then go back to eating whatever. Not sure I buy into that either, as I’ve always been taught the slow and steady lifestyle changes, but whatever.

I know I need to get healthier, but I really wish there was a better way of motivating myself instead of fear. Fear of this, that . . . the newest one is cancer. You're going to get cancer because 40% of cancer incidences are caused by being overweight and no doctors want to treat you when you brought it on yourself and it’s all your fault. Yeah, that’s a fun thought to carry around all day. Even if it’s true or partially so, is that the ideal way to make yourself afraid to eat anything questionable?

I’m not a coffee person, but I suppose I could do shakes for a while. I was always under the impression quick fixes like that weren’t good for you and wasn’t the point because you’re not going to stay on them forever. As soon as you stop, the weight comes back anyway. But if it’s “lose weight or die” and if you’re at fault, I guess you can say a certain amount of suffering is earned or somehow necessary for penance.

I know, eat to live, not live to eat. Maybe the idea is if you deprive yourself of desirable food for long enough you will forget you miss it and never want it again. I’m sure one’s tastebuds adapt to a certain point but . . . coffee and pureed chicken, huh? Eeek.

Surgeon eenie, meenie minie . . .

Finally, my activity and weight-lifting restrictions are lifted from a procedure last week. The good news is my sedentary week didn’t lead to any weight gain, so I’ll take that win. I know I'm a wimp, but everything hurt. It hurt to fold laundry. So I just got the ice packs back out and gave up.

Now I get to worry and fret that at the surgical consult coming up, they don’t roll their eyes at me like everything is my fault for being overweight. Even if I start severe caloric restriction right now, there’s only so much progress I could make in a few weeks. I researched surgeons all weekend and even though I could read their qualifications and years experience, the one I worry I could not assuage is if they’ll treat me seriously as a patient when I’m overweight. I don’t know if some providers think overweight people are non-compliant or otherwise don’t take care of ANY of their health since it would seem obvious they don’t care about their weight enough to be in better shape in that regard. I’ve had a few snarly providers, and while they didn’t say that directly, I start to wonder what else it would be. Doubtful they don’t like people wearing blue shirts, or athletic shoes, or who have certain color hair or height . . . if they know so much, they might occasionally get tired of patients being ignorant. Being overweight may scream to some of them that I don’t care about any of my health. But I guess it’s up to me to get rid of the weight so no one has the opportunity to think that, huh?

Sick

Sick off and on for a while. The first week sick to my stomach was definitely job stress. It let up for a little while, then I got a head/chest cold immediately after, so that’s a bit suspect if the stress didn’t contribute to that as well. Going on week 2 of the cold, 3 weeks total unpleasantness.

Exercise Most UN-Wanted List

I’ve about had it. The doc gave me a sheet of exercises for upper back pain. Nice gradual plan: do two the first week, then add two more, and what order to best progress. Of the first two exercises, I can only do one. The other is physically not possible. Undaunted, I did that a few days, and optimistically decided to add one of the next two. Rediculous upper back and neck pain, even with only one tiny attempt. Enough pain I couldn’t sleep well until 2 am after taking over the counter drugs and biofreeze. Thinking I need to make a chart of all the activities I should avoid, like a top criminals list, and simply avoide them at all costs. Only thing I can think of is perhaps self massage could help loosen some things up, since stretching is out of the question. Ironically the more one hurts, the more one happens to tense up inadvertently, only making things worse. So I can either do one back exercise and be in pain for two days, or I can do my regular wimpy exercises. Gee, what a decision.

Doctor Appointment about Back Pain

Finally got a doctor's appointment to discuss my back pain, or any good recommendations how to proceed with exercise. See, the last doc I saw (for a different condition) said forget about walking and cardio; do strength training. So I've been attempting to use my wimpy weights and do these other little supposed activities with words like "sculpting" in the description. While anything over 5 pounds does cause tension, it was the stretches that really knocked me out. So first off, doc said don't do any weights; just walk. Sure, whatever. Cant make all the docs happy all the time. We discussed physical therapy, and decided on trying a sheet of recommended exercises first. Starting very small: 2 exercises the first week, only 1 rep per day, gradually building up. Then add two more exercises, and so on. Only odd thing was the idea of 20 minutes of exercise 3x a week being sufficient. Uhm, if we count strengthening, I'm doing the total amount for the week or more. So what's up with such a tiny goal? Is that only for beginners? Worth a try, I guess. He also gave me a prescription for pain if/when it gets super bad (non-addictive). That's at least a resource so I can sleep or concentrate or get throught when I accidentally trigger something.

Neck Strain and Still pretty Sore

Neck strain is another painful result of using too much weight. Too much for the neck, at least. I did a few sets of 12 with my good arm, and it was tired, but not close to collapsing. At least it was only one side of my neck since my other arm is plagued by tennis elbow.

I still dislike being “this” sore every single day. I mean, really? This is what normal life is supposed to be like – semi-constant daily pain? Seems like there’s got to be a better way. I get up from my desk at work and I don’t walk anymore – I semi hobble, semi-limp down the hall. Maybe it’s because I’m sitting too much, but we’re not supposed to stand and stretch or get up and walk around because that’s clearly not working. There are standing work-stations available, but my knees aren’t up for that. Oh yes, did we mention the physical therapist who saw me for knee pain and said I was deformed? Knee-extensions are my least favorite, as they always crunch. If I keep my knee in the same position (either straight or bent) there are still exercises I can do. But at my current weight and fitness level, standing in one place is not a good idea.

I am getting a little tired of things seeming to be in my way, but I realize that’s my fault if I let them be in my way. I’m just really not a fan of being sore all the time. In my youth, I was incredibly careful to avoid soreness if I could help it. I’ve always had weight issues. When I decided to walk extensively for weight loss, I made a commitment to do everything I could to not let soreness get in the way of my progress. I would not allow it to be a negative experience and excuse to stop or slack off. Sure, there were occasional hikes where I was a bit sore and tired afterwards, but those were days of 8-12+ miles and steep terrain. Those were on trips and special occasions. Even then, I was younger and in better shape and recovered pretty quickly. But this constant low-grade pain every day is getting annoying. Because yes, it does discourage me to keep at it every day. If it was only on new exercises, that would be ok. If it got better with more experience and practice, that would be fine. But it doesn't. Ever.