Pen Quest

Someone at work was compiling a list of “favorite things” for occasions like birthdays, etc. I found myself noting under hobbies: Quest for the perfect pen. Ah, but is anything so simple? What is preferable to me is not preferable to others. In fact, I see a lot of trends towards very thin point pens, and I find myself preferring bolder, thicker lines. What is a person to do? We have two main office supply stores where I live, and they carry very similar items. If you’re lucky, they have something set out as a sampler to test and try out a pen before you buy. One can waste a lot of money buying pens because they get good reviews. It’s not as if everything on the internet is true (eye-roll). I’m starting to doubt how many reviews are legitimate out there anymore. I recently skimmed through an article about helpful items or gadgets . . . or whatever it was, I don’t recall. It was sad how almost every single “noted review” started “Love, love love this _____.” Could you get any more obvious that the reviews were fake? At least attempt to make an attempt to pretend they are by different people. So that has tainted my trust this week a little. The other incident that saddened me was trying the Uniball Vision Elite rollerball pen as I saw this write-up of it being the supreme affordable rollerball pen, also claiming rollerballs were highly superior to gel pens. Sadly, I took the bait. It was “only” $13 down the drain, to get a set of 4, but they were hardly worth 3 dollars a pen. Worlds like “tolerable” and “completely underwhelming” came to mind. And so we will try again. I miss those stores with columns or shelves of pens, that go on and on, and there is a tester of each. The last store I went to like this was the Kinokuniya Bookstore adjacent to Uwajimaya in Seattle, Washington. Aisles upon aisles of pens, with tester paper and one tester of almost every single pen available for purchase. Some $10+ pens may not have had testers, but I’d say 90% or more were available. I could easily spend an hour there, which isn’t a good idea, since a purchase of any size will only validate one hour of parking. But I digress. I realize I don't know much about different types of pens as I should, so I need to do some research and find out more about them, especially considering how many pens I have. And NOT believe stupid buttery reviews just because I can't seem to find a wealth of pen reviews outside of Amazon. They have to be out there somewhere. Just not at www.jetpens.com

Other Diseases that kinda Suck

Day 1 of steroids. Nasty stuff to squirt up your nose. What goes up, must always come back down the back of your throat and tastes awful. I heard they make flavored iodine for people to drink who live close to radiation spots. Why can’t the figure out a way to make nasal sprays that don’t taste quite so nasty? De-flavor them a bit and cover up whatever is left with grape, or cherry or whatever. Isn’t it more common than people who have to work around radiation? (not that I envy them.) I don’t want to know all the side effects (besides feeling like I’m starving all day). Don’t tell me it could damage my vision when I’ve already had 5 eye surgeries. I hate reading how corticosteroids are for people who’s bodies are broken and attack their own healthy cells. I haven’t even had to read it that often. Does anyone else tire of being told they are essentially defective and permanently diseased and have it start sounding like one is basically hopeless? I used to be prepared with the description that my immune system is confused, so it attacks what isn’t sick, and runs out of ammunition (and common sense) to attack actual illness. Who knows if that’s true; it’s just something I told myself that sounded good. Probably so I could stop reading whatever disheartening stuff I was at the time. I know I’m not in great health; that’s no shocker. But somehow it feels like I’m being told I’m a sub-class human who doesn’t have the potential to ever be well and that sucks at some point. Somehow it feels like it’s even more my fault, than things within my control, like not eating healthy or exercising enough. It feels like I am so wrong as a person, at a base identity, that I can never be good enough. Anyone else ever take it that personally with auto-immune issues?

Hopeful Hygge

So I recently started learning a little more about this hygge idea. I had heard of the word when Red Heart yarn introduced a new line with that name. It sounded like a nice idea, but not really great yarn, so I didn’t pay much attention. Anyway, I recently saw a youtube video that came recommended, and I thought, what the hey. Which led me to internet searches. I don’t know; it just seems to strike a chord with me. Kondo made the impression that you just keep having to get rid of more and more stuff, and then your surroundings will eventually be happier. By default, what is left, will make you feel happy, cozy, and content. Yeah, so far not really working. Not even a gentle slope towards that end. I do still need to get rid of stuff. And I’m not saying this is an excuse to get more stuff. But I am all for having more cozy and comfy in my corner. I’ve been tempted to get things like fake flickering light bulbs for quite a while. I shouldn’t say this justifies going out and getting a bunch, but at least it makes me feel like my longing sort of has a place. Even if I’m crazy, it’s nice to not be the only one. In a way, it makes a tiny bit of sense. Maybe I could look into some of these other ideas.

Can’t crochet my way out of this

Well, sorting has come to a standstill. One of the things I want to use and go through, vs. discard and get rid of, is yarn. I like to make blankets or scarves. I’ve made scarves for probably every extended family member. I used to make baby blankets, but I don’t do fancy enough things that they were very appreciated, so I don’t offer them much anymore. The last crib blanket I made for a grand-niece took over 100 hours. It was appreciated, but in cases where they are not, I don’t see the point of wasting that much time for something unwanted. So the rest of the time I usually make blankets for animal shelters or rescue groups. They aren’t as picky as to the colors they want, they’re smaller, don’t need to be “heirloom quality” and I’d like to think the animals generally appreciate them, if the humans don’t get in the way. Don’t get me started on that. The point is, having a slight yarn/crocheting addiction for decades, one starts to pay attention to sales and clearance items, and one can start to accumulate a little bit of a “stash” that’s generally larger than one would go through quickly. I’ve made about 19 animal blankets this year, and one large crib blanket. I estimate 1 pound skein of yarn can make at least 4 animal blankets. Each blanket probably takes at least 10+ hours. Arthritis des not allow me to crochet more than an hour a day, and sometimes not even that much. Although I enjoy it, this is not an efficient way to reduce or go through things. A friend gave me some space-saver vacuum bags earlier this year, and ideally, I should sort through things and pack them away in those bags, to at least reduce the volume. But that involves going back to the dreaded storage unit. And sorting through such bulk. Is it worth it to have everything wonderfully organized, or should one just cram it in and make it as small as possible and get through it? What if it’s 90% organized, and then I find things that belonged in bag #1, and I don’t want to have to go re-pack everything because the bags are already loaded to capacity? Is it worth the effort and frustration? That’s a whole other story about the arguments that ensued about still having it, how quickly to go through it, or whether to keep it and start packing up other items so we can move by next spring, due to the increasing cost of rent. We cannot afford to keep paying 10-15% rent increases every year when our income doesn’t go up that much. For all I know, we might need to move into an apartment much smaller, and pay the same amount as we do now. So that’s another dreaded discussion and unhappy possibility. Thus I should really get back to finishing the stuffed animals, but that created other family arguments, so that’s part of why that stopped.

Current Stuffy Count

43 stuffed animal bags uncovered. Ahem. Yeah. Don’t judge me. Some women spend money on shoes, purses, make-up and accessories. My accessories are stuffed animals.

Last weekend my husband finally tackled the kitchen, which was a huge undertaking. The kitchen is his turf. Not only is he the only one that cooks, but he has had things stacked and piled up preventing me from getting into certain cupboards for years. Yes, years. You don’t want to know how bad exploded cans get after years of isolation. Luckily it’s dry in this area, so most of the fallout was yucky dried vs. growing and expanding. It’s not as if the kitchen is “done” but that was a huge accomplishment and gives more room to work with now that those cupboards are accessible.

Ideal Space

I’m going to be working at home until at least June. I already have cabin fever big time, from all non-essentials being closed, and not supposed to go anywhere non-essential. Though my city’s traffic has only been reduced less than half, so that tells you how serious people are not taking it.

I guess the lesson to me should be this: the ideal is to make one’s home a sanctuary – a place one loves to be. Relaxing, inspiring, peaceful, motivating, whatever or all of the above. Mine decidedly is not. With all this opportunity to stay home and be in a place of your own ideal creation, I should make it better so it’s a happier place to be.

The sudden move of all my work space here threw a sizable wrench in things. I had three boxes of crap to take home, mostly personal comforts, such as a blanket (it gets cold), lamp, my own pens, spices, etc, not including 2 large monitors. I had to supply my own power bank/strip, and after a couple weeks of unpleasant back pain, sprang for a decent chair (aaaah). We got a narrow bookcase for the corner by my work desk, which helped a lot, since my desk is only a flat surface (no drawers or storage space). We figured it can also double as a nice cat perch, as it’s next to another area the cats lounge about. But it’s still far from ideal. If I’m going to be spending all my time either here, or elsewhere in my home, I really should take the time and effort to make my work and living area more of a refreshing oasis, somewhere you’d have to drag me away from, because it’s so perfect and idyllic. Everyone else is treating this like so grand vacation. This isn’t quite a vacation for me, but instead of whining about all the drawbacks of working at home (higher utilities, longer hours), I should use the Kondo method etc to really make it a more pleasant place to be.

Doldrum effects on decisions

I’ve noticed interesting effects of current emotional states on sorting and decision making. The whole COVID-19 isn’t the end of the world, but it causes plenty of aftermath even though I haven’t been personally effected by it yet. From worrying about loved ones, uncertainty of income, bitterness of feeling overworked and underpaid, cabin fever, annoyance of hearing everyone else voice political opinions . . . Let’s just say it’s produced a lot of ups and downs. I wonder if I should be concerned about my ability to evaluate items properly during especially stressed times. I’ve had the doldrums where I feel like yeah, right, nothing sparks joy. Does that mean I deserve to live in a bland, dark cell because I don’t deserve to keep anything? On the opposite end, occasionally I’ve felt like, heck, with all this going on, I’m keeping that stuffed animal if I feel like it even if I’m not sure it sparks true joy, and to heck with Kondo if she were to personally tell me otherwise.

I still wonder if I’ll have to re-sort things twice to really fine-tune everything. Everything but clothing, perhaps. I really didn’t keep much in that area. I only have a small fraction left, to the point I wonder if I need to start watching on-line sales, so I don’t run out of shirts if we don’t do laundry often enough. But everything else, I think I was so exhausted by the end of it . . . You’re supposed to do things in one fell swoop, but by doing so, I don’t know how reliable my decision-making is near the end either. I know I got rid of books I wish I hadn’t. And I probably have candles I should not have kept. And it still bugs me that I can’t donate things right now because everything is closed. It’s a trivial thing, but it feels more annoying than it should, combined with everything else.

COVID-19 Complications

I realize this isn’t the end of the world; just another annoyance. I can’t get my prescription refill since rumor has it that it could be used to treat the virus. Solving COVID-19 is much more important than my arthritis and sun issues, but so far I hear it’s more rumor than anything being done, and I can’t get my medication. It’s not that once it’s back it supply, everything will immediately be fine. It takes 6 months of consistent use in order to work. I once made the mistake of forgetting to bring it with me for a short trip out of town, and I was in pain for about three weeks afterwards. That was my own fault, of course. I’m just saying, even skipping it for a short amount of time has longer lasting repercussions. I have deformities in my legs and hands that made me prone to arthritis. Prior to this prescription, I had taped my knees almost every day for several months. It helped a little, but the skin was so raw it was getting to be an issue.

It also allows me to go outside once in a while, as it blocks absorption of some of the sun. It’s not that I like sitting in the sun. But I eventually had to get a disabled parking permit because being out for only a few seconds caused a lot of discomfort or pain. I have tinted windows in my car, and as a passenger still held my arms above my head during a five minute ride to avoid as much light as possible. The most memorable was being inside a car on a dark rainy day with a jacket. I failed to wear long sleeves underneath my jacket and could feel the irritation where my short sleeves left off.

If the following picture comes through, this is how my skin felt: as if it was cracked and dry and the edge of every dry cracked piece was stabbing the tender skin underneath. Or possibly as if someone poured powdered glass all over my arms and that was stabbing into the pores and crevices in my skin.

Either way, it’s been pleasant being able to run brief errands, or drive to and from work without that kind of irritation or pain. So this prescription was kind of a nice respite from both of those ailments. It’ll be a bummer if I have to start all over with new prescriptions, especially since my physician has a six-month wait for an appointment, if they are even still accepting appointments with all of this going on. I just went in January and cleared vision and blood tests to get another year’s worth . . . until now.

The Coronavirus Continues

There are three types of stress reactions: fight, flight, or freeze. I am the slightly lesser-known freeze type. The deer in headlights. I can be easily overwhelmed. That might be why I liked the first Marie Kondo book so much – it took things step by step, and it felt like she was gently guiding you through the journey, to easy anxiety or trepidation. The reader of the English audiobook had a calm soothing voice that helped me feel like I could do this, and everything would be ok. I need a conscience or some other invisible voice that soothes me like this more often.

I took an elective on-line college class on coping with stress about a year ago. I think I need to dust off the reading material and notes. You see, even taking a class like that was less scary for me. This presented books and materials that were approved by some unseen professor. Do you realize how much easier that is to trust, vs. wading through mounds and mounds of proclaimed self-help books? Where does one even start? Browse covers, read reviews? Yes, that’s fine. But do you realize how many reviews are out there? Which ones do you put more stock in? Do you start looking at the length of the book, and consider 300 pages might be a better buy than 150 because it potentially has more material and resources? Sure, there are peer review journals, but those can be a big dry with case studies and statistics. Those can be helpful for valid references, but not necessarily easily applicable in one’s life seeking self-improvement. Even if I were to not like all the information in that stress class, at least it presented ideals that were carefully pruned and presented in sequence for learning and evaluation. I can get overwhelmed just looking at all the great Ted Talks there are out there. There are so many I find it paralyzing knowing where to start.

I bring this up because for those of us directed to stay at home during the COVID-19 situation, it can be challenging. Being cooped up can cause one to feel stir-crazy. I know I do. So I am trying to look at it as an opportunity for self-improvement. Although I still work more than 40 hours a week from home, I should relish this extra time to boldly go . . . where. That’s where I get stuck. There are so many things one could do, right? But where to start? Or how to decide? I am the one who feels like I need a break because I get overwhelmed with the possibilities until I feel like a failure for not doing more in the first place and have to talk myself down from a mini-panic attack. I’m the one who has a hard time really internalizing that idea of 1000 miles beginning one step at a time because I can’t stop gaping at the entire map, studying terrain, projected weather patterns, locations for potential supplies, and could get caught up in an hour search and evaluation for the perfect long-lasting and comfortable shoe and how much it’s going to cost me from various places.

Maybe I need to begin with meditation. The whole idea is quieting one’s mind, right? I think I could use some of that.

Coronavirus Commentary

Well, there’s no use denying the COVID-19/novel corona virus going around is causing a lot of stress, sadness, and uncertainty, at the very least. I won’t pretend I have anything novel or unique to say about it. Here’s what made me slightly unexpectedly sad about it today. I mean, obviously there’s the death, suffering, fear, isolation and deplorable conditions some people have experienced. So never mind that. Here’s my little nuance. With all the thrift stores closed, I can’t donate any items anymore. At least giving to a thrift store, there was a slight chance of the items getting new life. If someone wanted them, and the tiny sales amount benefited charity, yay. At least there was a chance it could help someone, or not completely go to waste. No choice now. I was forced to work from home starting today, which means we have to get rid of a lot of stuff from our old desk, primarily my husband’s territory. He said hey, I’ll do the Kondo thing and get rid of some of this junk. And a millisecond after my happiness that he wanted to try, I realized everything we get rid of will have to go straight to the trash. I’m not even sure if recycling places are open anymore, if anything qualified. My (idiotic) country doesn’t recycle plastic anymore, so that’s down-heartening enough. Waste here, ignorance there, pandemic everywhere. (sigh) It can get to a person after a while. Restaurants closed, food aisles baron, unable to visit family for fear that someone somewhere might have been remotely around someone seven degrees away from someone who had the virus. Really ready for this to be over with. And it’s not by a long shot.

Hitting Pause

Taking another break from sorting stuffies. My spouse has observed that it seems to be slowly killing me. I can’t completely disagree. I’ve gotten increasingly jealous of a 17 year old that is taking most of them. I guess I thought if they were spread out more, I wouldn’t mind as much. Or if it was a wide-eyed grateful 7 year old wanting to take a large portion. I have several nieces/nephews and grandniece/nephews, so we’ve been dropping off most of them at the grand/greatgrandparents house to allow everyone to take what they want. The 17 year old grandson lives there and takes first pick of everything and has accumulated well over half the collection for himself. At first I was ok sharing, but I guess it’s gotten to me that if I can’t keep all the good stuff, I’m jealous that he gets to have it all (and free, of course). I realize it’s very selfish and petty of me. The point is that I’m getting rid of things out of obligation, not out of any innate desire to part with them. And that part is slowly chipping away at me and makes me sad every time I part with things – because I don’t want to. Did I mention I would happily take a note from Marie Kondo to present to my landlord saying I can keep these things and it’s not “too much stuff?”

So I have paused at 32 bags sorted. Maybe I can switch gears to something else for a while. My husband has offered to entertain expensive shelving investments for me. He’s the greatest. That is also anti-Kondo. You’re not supposed to look at storage solutions before everything is sorted. And by the way, half the time she says everything is supposed to fit in one closet per person, including clothing, furniture, outdoor and hobby gear, and even something as large as a treadmill (if we still had one). No. I’m sorry, I am already a decided failure in that aspect. I guess that’s part of why I feel so bad. I feel like I’m failing in so many aspects: that I don’t want to get rid of things, that I selfishly want to keep things that I believe spark joy, that it’s getting into my dreams and creating nightmares, that I wasn’t doing this 24-7 in the first place and refusing to take a day or evening off. My husband mentioned liking a certain brand of stuffed animal yesterday and I told him I already got rid of all of them. I thought he was tired of giving input when these were mainly my obsession. So now I feel badly about that too. Hence I am taking an indefinite break. I can’t keep doing this without hating every single moment of it.

General Grumpiness

I think I’m ready to delve back into the stuffy sorting. Yes, there’s more. I’m not sure exactly how much, but I’m sure quite a big. Not sure how many of the bags have yarn, but plenty of those too.

I fully admit this is breaking Kondo’s rules of going through everything all at once. But I got to the point (again) where it felt like I was just getting rid of nice stuff because I feel like I have to. And that is not what she recommends. It’s all in perspective, I guess. Right now the room that is piling up with sorted stuffies is stressing me out because the pile keeps getting bigger and bigger, and I don’t know how to store it neatly so everyone (apartment management) is happy. If that were not even an issue, that same pile of stuffed animals really would simply spark joy But it’s not that simple.

Work has been very busy and stressful too, so with working the weekend and long hours, I haven’t had a lot of extra time to go through things.
I have a few skeins of yarn left at home (vs those bagged up in storage) and I don’t even want to use those. Again it’s about perspective. It used to be nice and relaxing. Encouraging to see how many I made and donated. But since this started, I tried using as much, and crocheting as much as I could stand starting in December and I am so sick of it. I’m sick of thinking how I’m not going fast enough and getting rid of enough, and it just turns the whole connotation sour. It’s not fair. I guess it’s my fault for allowing that stress to sink in so much. If I had different colors on hand, I could make a baby blanket for my niece, who is expecting a baby. I’m sure I have her preferred colors somewhere, but not readily on hand, and obviously I can’t go buy some for that. She has already been given ample stuffed animals, and I told her she may or may not get a blanket, or if she does, it might be well after the baby is born. And she’s ok with that. Maybe if I had a better project like that to work on, I wouldn’t feel so negatively. But I don’t think I’m ready to go through a dozen or so bags of yarn and organize them up ideally in order to find what I need for her.

It’s just unfortunate, because between this and work, I don’t have a very positive outlook right now, and it’s unpleasant. All that joy Marie Kondo promised would be achieved by sorting and purging is not . . . happening. And don’t get me started on the clothing folding. My clothes have started smelling musty when folded, even though they smell fine after they’ve been washed, and continue to smell fine when hung up in the closet (I admit that’s primarily because it’s easier). I don’t notice the mustiness right away, but then when I wear a shirt for a couple of hours, phew. Trying vinegar in the rinse cycle, but when not folding improves the situation, it’s hard to be motivated to fold, let alone fold her special way. Ugh. I probably need to re-read or listen to the books again.

Weighted/hefty stuffies

I have some weighted stuffed animals too. Back before they had weighted blankets, they had hefty stuffies. Some were even microwavable or softly scented for relaxation (I wasn’t big on the scented ones). But I recall seeing microwavable comfy critters with mild lavender even in the spa section of the supermarket. I haven’t tried the weighted blankets that are all the craze now, so I can’t compare. But the stuffies are reminiscent of having a pet sleep with you. I had a cat sleep on my chest for 14 years, and that’s a difficult comfort to replace. It’s not as if the hefty stuffies weigh 10 pounds, but they are a start. I actually contemplated getting a few pounds of rice in a bag and putting a soft blanket over it . . . but it was a pathetic attempt. If they get a hefty stuffy that also purrs with a realistic vibration, sign me up.