Anger & Fear Lead to the Dark Side

I should apologize for all my negativity lately. I yelled at the rental management agency here instead of real life in order to blow off steam. I realize directing open hatred towards them in real life wouldn’t accomplish anything.

A chunk of the rest, I think, has been driven by fear. I feel like I must be so delicate lately, is any or everything going to permanently damage me? Even if we get my shoulder fixed, that’s still going to be a lingering question. Previous PT experience for my feet; I felt like they were always saying buck up, doesn’t matter that things hurt. I figured I’m getting older, maybe I am more sensitive to pain and my body isn’t as tough as it used to be, but I needed to push through it. Now it seems pushing has torn up my knee and my shoulder. Not even doing strenuous exercises. What the heck. I used to mentally roll my eyes at health care providers who said I could strength exercises without weights because even one pound is very heavy. Whatever. I figured they must get a lot of patients that are elderly and about to break. I didn’t think I had already become one of those people.

I realize I’m thinking a few steps ahead, but how the heck do I know what pain is good or bad anymore? Exercises after surgery always hurt, and I’m sure it’s normal. Not everything is going to be sunshine and daisies. But it frightens me that my body seem so feeble that stretching can snap tendons or ligaments completely through. I thought I had built up gradually enough – took over a year to work up to 10 pounds, and even then, barely felt comfortable moving up from 8 pound weights. Meanwhile I read or get advice that I’m still going too slowly, or I need to do more, faster, harder . . . I guess I have hard evidence now to tell such people to back off. Right now my shoulder is in pain even when resting. That scares me. It hurts more with the slightest expenditure of effort, such as typing or picking up a pen. The rate that it’s gone downhill in the last month scares me. If you wonder why I don’t slap more pain meds/patches/creams on it, sometimes I’m afraid covering up the pain will only allow me to accidentally injure it more quickly, because I don’t feel how much it’s hurting. So I wait until evening to throw pain meds on it so I can sleep. Otherwise when I take things throughout the day, and it still hurts so much, I can’t take more. Not being able to do anything but wait doesn’t help my anxiety. The whole thing is a crappy situation.

I'm praticing using my opposite hand and arm more. Used a knife and didn't cut myself. Not ready to write or mouse with my opposite hand yet.

Trying to eat healhy but I'm hungry a lot, despite getting more protein.